John the worthwhile addition

18 February 2009

I figured I would enlighten you to how the mind of an alcoholic works,
well MY alcoholic mind works.

The last half hour of work I start thinking ok got to do this, that an
the other, which we all do. Mine quickly turns to this, that, and
might as well grab some beer. I always think I can drink and do
things like clean, or cook, and fix my bike. The truth is I drink and
something clicks, and drinking is the only thing I want/can do. This
is why my apartment becomes a shambles since I drink, and unable to
clean etc everything get worse and worse.

Over the last week I have recognized my life is being unmanageable,
which is to say for me. I hate paperwork, doing anything remotely
adult in nature including paying bills etc. Drinking compounds all
these issues and every day I get depressed because life seems to be
spinning quickly down the drain, so I drink.. which makes the water
spin faster. This morning as I was riding to work I decided to change
this, which is really a joke because I do this nearly everyday.

This afternoon everything went, as any other day started thinking need
to blow pic up my new wheel, but today I threw a curveball food
shopping. Again in my alcoholic mind cooking is disruptive of my
goal, getting drunk, so I live off fast food. The past week I have
had NO money, and have been hungry everyday. I had NO food at all
left by last night, and I am not talking like a pantry of stuff you
don't like... I ate a can of refried beans for dinner monday night,
that was the last of any food, all my pasta was gone, soups etc all I
had left was refried beans.

Today I went food hopping to remedy this, and ate a TON, which makes
me happy. I also cleaned my kitchen, well my apartment in general,
and vacuumed etc, I did what all of you do without difficulty on a
weekly basis but for me this is huge. I did not drink, and as opposed
to having 2000 calories in beer I ate them, and it was wonderful. I
even made a lunch to bring to work, I have never eaten a lunch at
work, which everyone has made fun of me, well unless you count packets
of GU as lunch... I tend to count it as food. Tomorrow I have a great
chicken salad sandwich, with Pringles, some baby carrots, and sour
patch kids for dessert. Again to everyone else in the world this is
well, what you do, for me its like curing cancer, its a big deal.

I know that its just one day as opposed to the thousand I spent drunk
and doing nothing but its a start.

Why this is starting to click now is my question, after jail makes
sense but 3 months later? I suppose as the saying goes "one day at a
time" .

An interesting day

18 February 2009

The day started off well, had a big day planned afterwork, so went a little early.  Work was great, though little boring.  Before I leave work I check my bank balance... my pay check has not cleared.  This throws a wrench into things since all my plans required money.  No worries borrowed 10 from a coworker so I could eat.  

I go to the bank to verify, yes, I have no money.

I go to blow grab my keys to lock my bike, wrong set of keys, so no key for my lock, OR my apartment.  I call the management company to see if they can unlock my place, they say 30 minutes (it is now 330).  So, not wanting to come back to blow, I bring the bike into the building in the elevator so I can blow without fear of someone taking my bike.  I get into the office, and yup random UA today, which I do not have the money for, so no UA a violation instead.  

I then ride home and sitting in front of my apartment with nothing to do, can't really go anywhere since can't lock my bike, and waiting for the guy to unlock my door.  I have a brief moment of genius, the two guys who live next to me are hoe and their door is open.  I knock, and ask if they will watch my bike while I run to Taco Bell.  The agree, and off I go, so to further teach you the inner workings of my mind,

 I start thinking...

3 tacos and beer sounds pretty good huh? Instead of ones normal thought process of just eating.  I buy 3 tacos and some PBR.  I get back grab my bike and sit on my stoop drinking PBR and eating tacos.  As I am returning to my apartment I am asked for spare change which honestly I had none, spent every cent on tacos and beer.  $10 dollars equals 3 soft tacos, and 5 - 24 oz PBRs to the cent.   After the tacos are gone it is 430... hmmm.  I call the management company again since they close at 5, and I am told 15 more minutes.  I am sitting there drinking my PBR, and though its not cold out, its chilly so after sitting there for 45 minutes I am getting cold, which got me to thinking home much it must suck to be homeless.  We all know it would suck, but really how miserable that must be, i will now be more forthcoming with my spare change.  

The neighbor comes out, and asks if I will join him for a beer... duh.  A few interesting things came out of hanging out with him, aside from a few free beers, they smoke pot constantly, only out done by cigarettes.  There was a murder in the apartment complex a year ago, and the reason for the fence in the back... drummer roll please!  He walked out one day and saw a prostitute going down on a bum in our little walk way.  He called the management company and the fence went up.  Since then there have been no spottings.  

At 520 they finally come to unlock the door, and tell me its a $50 fee so, rent went up this month because I grabbed the wrong keys.  The strange thing is riding into work I was curious about a noise on the bike.  I realized it was not the bike, but my keys.  I did not look at the keys but I thought it strange they were making more noise than ever before today.  I keep my keys n a little pocket on my sleeve this is why A) I noticed the noise B) did not bother to check the keys. 

Elevator etiquette

16 February 2009

As most know on a daily basis I have to go blow into a little machine
that says i have no alcohol in my system. A side from the time, and
money involved with this act there is another issue at hand. The
office is on the second floor and is run much like the DMV, sometimes
they don't let the line move at all. To get to the office you have to
take an elevator, the stairwell is locked.

Here is where my issue begins, I understand this office is not of the
upstanding citizens like yourselves, its for the degenerates of the
world, like me. i find though that common decency, and etiquette are
nonexistent. I am awkward in almost every situation so who I to judge
right? If I knew anything about how people interact and function in
society I might have something better to do at 5 am than write a blog.

This is how I have always treating the use of an elevator which I
could be mistaken.
1. Press button
2. Wait
3. When elevator arrives wait for doors to open.
4. Wait until people in the elevator car exit
5. Press button for desired floor
6. Wait

I think that is a pretty decent explanation of how one uses it, aside
from the maybe press the button for
someone in the car who is unable to reach etc. Here is how this
elevator works
1. Be sure to listen to your Ipod at full volume, but the headset on
your shoulder and a minimum of 6" from your ears in order to be sure
everyone else can listen to the new Jay-z song. (Talking on a cell
phone it a higher volume than necessary can be substituted)
2. Press button
3. Wait
4. When elevator arrives wait for doors to open.
5. The moment the doors begin to open start cramming yourselves into
the car immediately as though you were members of Barnum and Bailey
attempting to break the Guinness world record of loading a car.
6. Be peeved when the doors are unable to close since all the people
previously using the elevator are trying to exit the car pushing their
way to the doors.
7. Do not hit the button no matter how close you are to the panel,
because someone else will do it.

This is not an isolated instance this is how this elevator works, the
other elevator leading to the rest of the floors of the building run
in a manner keeping with my first example. This has been my
experiences for the past 3 months of coming to this office, but I have
a theory, and it is a great one.

I believe that the specific gravity around this elevator is 2 bars
less than the surrounding area making people disregard logic, common
decency, or manners making them snap into separate and distinct
different personalities which causes them to act like a 5 year old
charging a toy store. I have no proof of this theory yet, but given
government funding I believe I can prove this theory once and for all.

Sunday brunch

15 February 2009

I went out for the monthly brunch that myself, and some friends do,
which actually was interesting. On my way to go blow I am about 6
blocks from home, and slowing for a stop sign my chain breaks.
Luckily i was not going fast so I put my foot down slide to a stop.
While leaving my apartment earlier I realized I had forgotten my bag
(with my tools etc) in the apartment and figured what are the odds
something will happen? I walk home and fix the chain and head back
out. The broken chain freaked me out since, well the chain stops me,
so when it broke I had no brakes, kind of freaky. This time I had out
with my bag, and ride well slower than my normal cruising speed.

Arriving at Dazzle the place is packed, more so than usual I suppose
those with someone enjoy a good breakfast after the holiday. This is
the very reason I chose today a month ago thinking it would be good
after making love all day. We are talking when someone hears someone
ask if they will deep fry a twinkle for them, we all discuss the
merits of a deep fried Twinkie, when I decide it would be worth a
try. It was quite good better dipped in chocolate but good.

The long, and the short of "Marie"

15 February 2009

I remember in high school I used to write a lot, and listened to Henry
Rollins entirely too much. I would stay up until all hours writing
and drinking Slush puppies, do they still have those? Senior year
rolls around and through some turn of events I started dating this
girl who i had actually been eyeing for year, but being well socially
awkward I could never make a move. I forget how we even started
dating because clearly I am in capable of asking out a girl at 31, at
18 that was not going to happen.

We ended up having a short lived pseudo relationship in which as with
today I jumped into with both feet, and thus ruining it. I used to
write her poems and stories which her mom would also read. They both
thought I was a genius, not quite. Hell I was 18 angry at the world
and listened to Rollins 24/7 I had issues. We ended up breaking up
why I am not completely sure, but it was high school relationships
were short lived with tons of drama, We still ended up going to the
prom which was miserable. I was even more anti social back in those
days how I clearly I could not go and have a good time, I had to revel
in my one misery. After that we never really talked, and I graduated
and went to Georgia for AIT.

Toward the end of my time in AIT I decided to call her, why I am not
sure. Not even sure how I knew her number but it was 1996, back
before the age of being born with a cell phone, and ipod. People
remembered phones numbers, and directions, and walked around with c.d.
players. I remember calling and she says "what would ever possess you
to call me" clearly our break up made some sort of impact on her, ha ha.

We talked, and things worked themselves out, and made plans to meet
the night I was returning to MA. I was so excited, I remember the
final days of AIT you have a TON of paperwork to do, tons, and tons it
is the military after all. There was a chance we were not going to
get out on time due to not being able to get something signed. I was
freaking out because I could not wait to see her. Everything worked
out, I got my flight to MA, and I went over her place to watch a movie.

This will amaze you all, we were sitting on the couch and all I wanted
to do was make out but being 18 (or 31 for that matter) I was too
scared to make a move. we talked I went home and the courtship began
again. I do recall bringing her flowers that night, funny how I still
do that 13 years later, and with the same results, ha ha. I kept
writing her letters, but I was out of high school waiting to start
college in the spring, while she was finishing starting her senior
year. So it was tougher to see her, which brought me to stalking her,
not quite but i was young, stupid, and in love.

I remember one day giving her Karen Finleys "Shock Treatment" for her
to read thinking she would enjoy the book. I gave her the book some
flowers, and somethings I had written. I called her and I got quickly
disposed of, apparently her mother thumbed through the book which mind
you was well graphic, angry and sexual. I was 18 young and in love,
this book made sense as a gift at the time I swear it did. Her mom
forbid us from seeing each other, and her from talking to me

One night I went to school with my sister, and used the library well
she was in a study group I came home, went to my room and I here my
father ask me to come down to talk. I knew instinctively I was in
trouble but for what? I start running things through my mind, but can
not figure out why I am in trouble. I come into the room, and ask
what's up.

Dad: "The cops stopped by earlier"
Now I am freaking out because, cops are never good news. At a mile a
minute I am trying to figure out why the cops were looking for me, but
still come to a blank.

Dad: "So, that girl you were talking to, you can't talk to her
anymore. Her parents are worried and are threatening a restraining
order."
After a long talk about the law and so forth, the nail is in the
coffin, and I never see her, life moves forward.

As the years pass I hear a little from time to time about her. I
still thought of her, back then I was a hopeless romantic, today I am
just hopeless. She was my first love, and always had a spot in my
heart.

The other night I was on facebook, and I happen to see she commented
on a friends posting, and I also comment thinking maybe she will
notice me and start a dialogue, still worried well the cops would be
knocking on my door. My plan totally worked, we emailed each other
she is married, 2 kids living in MA. This would be a happy ending to
a story of lost love, stalking, and slush puppies but yet it has only
begun.

We have been talking the last few days, and its like old times again
talk for hours joke around. Filling in each other about the past 13
years, jobs and so forth. I told her I was in jail for having a meth
lab, to soften the blow of being in jail for a DUI. "Marie" is cool
with that and things have been going great, aside from the fact I have
been pining over her for 13 years. People who know me well that my
head works fast i get really revved up, and can't just look around and
take things slow. Imagine my head after 13 years of longing.... its
not pretty. Think of the 80's comic Gallagher crushing the
watermelon, sort of like that only in slow motion. This clearly can
not be something good for my head, hell I am a mess, now this? I so
need a shrink!

2 years... and slowly dying

11 February 2009

Yesterday was my two year anniversary of moving to Colorado which got
me thinking, about the fact I still have not had a true relationship
in sometime. In the past 2 years I have had sex with 13 different
people, and dated... I don't know. I am actually not 100% on the
number 13, I would have easily forgotten one.

This has NEVER been my style, I have am a serial monogamist, up until
moving I think there is something in the water which makes women here
a touch... touched. Over the past 2 years there are a few which I
hoped and tried my best to turn into something meaningful, but as life
has a way of doing it sorted itself out.

As I search the library f match.com I start wondering really, what is
next. Do I really keep doing this? Where is the end, or will it ever
end, and I going to be 80 sitting on Match trying to find some young
60 year old tail?

Almost died twice
I worked a good 10 hour day today, and riding home 2 interesting
things happened. As I charged to get through a yellow/red light and
something goes wrong... not sure what thinking I snapped an axle,
luckily the bike is still moveable and ride it to the curb. Turns out
I threw the chain, which how? I have no clue, must of been putting
down some good power with a slightly loose chain? This is problematic
in many ways since the chain is how I am capable of stopping. The
chain jumped inward to the spokes which is bad in terms it could tear
the rear wheel apart luckily it fell in and though ate up my spoke a
bit, did not break any, and by falling inward there was friction to
let me stop. I fix this and continue home.

A mile later I go to skid before rushing into traffic when something
slips..... no brakes. Luckily it grabs again and I stop about 2 feet
from a bumper moving 30 mph. I goto accelerate and nearly spill as
something slips again. I just fixed the culprit, the lock ring was
loose, which I can only imagine was a result of the thrown chain
earlier. I am starting to think of the movie 'Final Destination' and
getting a little worried, ha ha.

I learn slowly

11 February 2009

Yesterday afterwork I had a bunch of errands to run, so I went into
work at 6, leaving at 2. I went and ran my errands getting home
around 330. About 415 I was bored to death... thus I started
drinking. My new way of thinking is going to be to go into work
later, meaning I do not get home until later, which actually works to
keep me sober. Also I do enjoy killing 2-3 hours before heading into
work, write my blog, have some pancakes, listen to some music etc.

Betty gets a new pair of shoes
Ok, not quite but I ordered her a new rear wheel. Her current one has
a lump in it so as your ride you feel a thump every time you hit the
high spot. I can not get it fixed (pun intended) since I do not have
a spare rear wheel to put on her, and without a wheel I got no
transportation.

The idea being when the new wheel comes in I can fix the current
wheel, and keep it as a spare in case something happens, broken spoke
etc. I will have pictures next week after it gets built but should
look snazzy.

2 Years

10 February 2009

Today marks two years in Colorado, I suppose technically its
tomorrow. 2 years ago today we set out in a Honda Element with all
our belongings to make a new life in CO in hopes ofr striking it rich
in the gold rush. What?

Kris and I made the trek in 35 hours (+/-) it was quite the haul. I
remember it quite clearly it was interesting and pretty brutal. I
think I drove 31 of the hours, stopping only to eat twice, and
stopping every 2 hours to refuel and grab energy drinks. I forget how
much the drive cost but every stop I would grab 4 energy drinks (I
tried them ALL) and hop back in the car and continue West.

Everything was good until we hit Iowa where the exit sign number is a
mile marker, and I remember the first sign is 400+ and my jaw
dropped. I remember computing 400+ miles of darkness (it was 2 am or
so) with nothing to see but passing lorries.

I moved to Colorado with 5 boxes 16" x16" a duffle bag and 3 bikes,
and since then I haven't really got much more stuff, well nothing that
if I was moving across the country again I wouldn't mind losing. It
was quite the fantastic trek, thanks to an ipod otherwise I would have
likely gone insane, maybe I did a little regardless.

Last night I as I went to bed at 8 pm (no, I am not 60) I started
thinking about the last 2 years. There have been a lot of crappy
times in Colorado, not sure why I love it here, ha ha. Most were a
matter of just living (heartache) some were my own stupidity (DUI) and
the rest just were. There have been some great times mostly the
little things, like riding to the top of the highest paved road in
North America on a bicycle (Mount Evans). Riding 25 miles to work
each day (fixed) and seeing the sun rise over farm land, and slowly
showing the snow capped mountains.

Now in Denver, I nearly forget how majestic the mountains are on a day
to day basis, but whenever I get to go snowboarding in them I quickly
remember. A couple of weeks ago riding down Loveland pass with
Jazmine running along side through a foot of fresh powder was probably
one of the coolest moments in recent memory. We stopped half way down
and hung out in the smoke shack before finishing off the ride. Only
to reach the road catching a ride back to the top to do it again.

I have yet to return to MA, and really the thought has never crossed my mind.  On the same note only one person has come to visit me.  Someday I should head back to visit the pole' and the family, but not anytime soon.  There is always Christmas 2009, ha ha. 

In the short term I am "stuck" here until I am done with my probation
(Sept 2010) after that who knows . 2 Years is a long way off, and 4
years ago I would have never guessed I would be living in Colorado so
I suppose its just a matter of enjoying the ride.

Mailing list

9 February 2009

It seems that I can set it up where you will be emailed automatically when I post  new blog.  If any one is interested in such a thing let me know.

Operation: Kenmore

9 February 2009

This morning while playing on facebook, I decided maybe I should tackle the fridge cleaning project, since it more of a search and destroy undertaking than a scrubbing affair.  The offending smell, mashed potatoes (gluten free) that I made on December 23rd.  I opened up the container and they looked fine once they fell into the trash, I had a VIOLENT dry heeve.  Followed by another, and another until I literally dropped the container and ran to the open window in the bedroom.  After a couple of minutes the heeving stopped, and I considered how to handle this since clearly something needs to be done.  Poor Jazmine was right beside me at the time, and she has locked herself in the corner giving me dirty looks ever since.  You can see the picture of the offending "food" in my slideshow though the picture is terrible, I could not get any closer looking at the photo causes flashbacks.  

The rest of the operation went well, the "salad" had formed its own sort of salad dressing which did not smell very good.  The milk was not as chunky as one would think, and the smell wasn't bad either,  The cleaned fridge safely holds 4 liters of Coke, butter, salad dressing, and fresh milk.  It was now no longer a biohazard.  Luckily there is a lock on my dumpster of else the poor bugger who opened that bag would need an ambulance.  Though the look on their face would be great!

Where's Fido?

8 February 2009

Here is a picture of my apartment see if you can find the dog.  Today is going to be a cleaning day I think...

This is my sink... walking by the smell almost makes me vomit.  I gave up on espresso because the machine is too close to the sink.  I am wondering if I should really be posting this... Later I will have pics as I clean the fridge... stay tuned.

In the Belly of the Beast (Part 3 of 4)

7 February 2009

Transition

Myself and 4 others are called down, and with sheets, and coffee mugs
in hand we wait to be moved. Someone asks where they are being
moved to, with the response medium, I was not liking the notion of 19
hours in a cell. We are brought down a series of hallways, and are
brought to another wing with 3 pods.

Phoenix: (yes seriously) which I do not know a lot about believe its
a drug rehab area much like transition.
Transition: Where I am placed
Medium: 19 hours of lock down a day, jail.

As we near the pods the woman transporting us asks if I want to go to
transition or medium. I ask what transition is, and the basic premiss
is drug/alcohol classes about rehab etc. This seems like a better
option than spending all day in a cell, so I opt for transition.

I am told to go to a cell, I enter turning on the light and am greeted
by my Cellie who yells "What the FUCK! I don't get up before noon". I
begin to think this is going to be wonderful. I drop myself on my
bunk, and head out to the open area where people are milling about
reading, playing cards, watching tv. i am given some headphones from
the guard, and I can now listen to the tv or radio, things are looking
slightly better, after all we are not in lock down.

After 20 minutes or so I am called, and go into a room across the hall
with another inmate in here we are given a questionnaire asking about
usage, etc. This is used to see what classes would benefit you the
most while on the inside. We talk to the woman who asks us our
stories, priors, and other pertinent information. I am assigned to a
couple of classes, AA some other alcohol related classes, I even get
into a creative writing class (I only went once so not much benefit to
my writing). We are given some pencils, notebook, and folder to be
able to do homework and so forth. Afterwards we are led back into the
pod, and I resume staring at the idiot box, which in here has even
more meaning.

The Cellies
I go back into my cell to drop of the notebook, and my cellie (Doug)
is now awake, introduces himself and apologizes for the previous
encounter. He is 24 third time in jail for domestic violence, this
time it was for saying and I quote:

"I should have sliced your throat when I had the chance."

This was in front of two cops who had responded to a call at his
house. Cops came talked to them everything was cool, and Doug busts
out this gem as the cops are leaving. They overhear this at which
point he is tackled and arrested. Like I mentioned before he has been
in before for the same basic charge at age 24 he has spent 3 years in
jail, all for the same charge. The great Albert Einstein defined
insanity as doing the same thing over and over, while expecting
different results.

Doug is serving a year this time, and his father and best friend are
also in the jail, but in different wings. I found his story very
interesting though I only believe a third of it since anytime I
mentioned anything he had done it +1. Example being somehow cycling
came up (there was a spin bike in the common area for us to use) I
mentioned used to race. Doug raced as well, winning a bunch of races
etc. I mentioned riding from Morrison to the top of Mount Evans and
back, yes Doug has done that twice. i found this amazing since I have
talked to a lot of people and I am they ONLY person anyone has heard
of doing this ride. Which is not to say I am the only person, but
most people consider riding the highest paid road in the U.S. a
standalone feat, they usually don't have it as the middle of a century
ride for a nice Sunday on the bike.

Doug was writing poetry as well, which he insists on reading to me,
regardless of my protests. This includes while I am trying to
urinate, now imagine you are locked in a cell, with another guy who is
reading bad poetry to you, and you are trying to pee. Way too much
stimulation to handle while you are trying to do such a thing.
Finally I snap and tell him to shut up for a minute, he reluctantly
stops reading "Love, and Lust". Doug after a few days changes cells
(I think he requested it) but that was a glorious day.

Doug also likes to watch tv at night with the headphone turned all the
way up, and hanging on his neck, while I try to read. He then has to
tell me every minute detail of the Simpsons, regardless of my
protests, this man LOVES to talk! All I want is quiet so I can
read, this leads to a few exchanges in the coming days. Doug also
pouts when people don't want to listen to him, his T.V. show or just
want to be left alone to read.

Doug is replaced by a portly spanish gentleman, who I forget his
name. He was great, quiet, we talked a bit. He got busted 10 years
ago for DUI ran while on probation has been living in Arizona has a
family, been on the straight and narrow. He turned himself in because
he lost his job and figured it was a good time to get the outstanding
warrant off his back. He is sentenced to 90 days. He ends up serving
a week since the judge looked at the fact he didn't even have a
speeding ticket in 10 years.

These were my two cellmates, there were a number of characters I end
up meeting guys in for 3 years for meth charges etc. i met one guy
who got hit with a 4th DUI and while out on bond he is pulled over
for.... drinking and driving. He was facing both charges, his son was
out on bond for his first DUI at 22. I find all of this amazingly
interesting, everyones stories how we all got to where we are is
extremely fascinating to me, I should have been a shrink. `

Lunch is weird its sort of like high school where everyone has a seat,
not assigned but everyone has a seat, which you do not take. I end up
sitting with Doug, and eat while getting the lowdown on what this pod
is all about.

The interesting thing is how many of the jail jokes are true. There
is a commissary where you can order pencils, coffee, soup everything,
and these commodities are worth their weight. Food in general was
traded all the time, I would give my breakfast to a guy for cheetos at
lunch, oh hot sauce was always sought after as well. I was only in
the pod for a week so I never really got into it, I gave my breakfast
away simply because I might as well take the food.

I am sure more stories will arise, I have been working on this blog
for a month, and just want to get it out of my face.

My gated community

9 February 2009

Last week I came home from work to find a key taped to my door, it was for the new lock put on the dumpster.  Apparently the bums taking my empty PBR does not go over very well.  The following day there is another key, and as I pull up my neighbor comes out.  He starts asking if I know who padlocked the gate to the fence.  I am dumbfounded, having no clue he is talking about and then notice there is a gate now on the alley side of the property.  No, to take out the trash I need two keys, what a pain.  On the street side of the property they have been VERY slowly doing something.  As in since I moved in they managed to out in 3/4 of a deck, which I have no clue  why they would bother.  Clearly it will not be long until there will be a gate in the front, and my rent will go up.  I then will be unable to ride my bike right to my front door, and I will have to carry another key with me all the time :(

Don't hate the playa, hate the game

6 February 2009

I had my 6th of 30+ classes I have to attend last night, and what I
would find as an interesting thing happened.

The Overview
Class is held in a smallish conference room with a rectangular table
with 15 chairs positioned. everyone shows up signs in, and takes any
seat, and we basically play on our phones, ipods, or idle chit chat
for 20 minutes until the class is then released.

The "story"
I entered the room and there was one other person in the room so I sit
about 5 seat from him, and we end up chatting a bit. He takes a seat
on the opposite side of the table. Now there is a cute blonde in the
class, and she comes in and with say 10 open seats picks the one right
beside me which I found odd since who sits right next to someone when
given the possibility to have a chair between you right?

I compute this all on the fly and come to the conclusion this is my
chance to chat her up right? I was in a crappy mood so I chickened
out and did not say a word to her at all. My question is am I reading
too much into it? What aggravates me is more the fact we have stuff
in common at the very least we both got busted... What are peoples
thoughts?

New work hazards

5 February 2009

I have worked in cabinet shops on and off for about 5 years now. This
is not including the years i sent in school, or the hours spent in my
shop at home. It is an intrinsically dangerous job, the machines are
designed to cut wood apart, your fingers are even less resistance from
time to time. Looking around the shop I work at nearly everyone is
missing a piece of a finger or thumb.

I remember in school it was nearly the last day before summer break
and someone ran their fingers across the jointer. A jointer has three
blades spinning very fast which are parallel to a machined surface.
There is a table leading to the blades, and a table after the blades.
The premise is you set the infeed table lower than the outfeed table
so as you push a warped, or rough board over the blades it will take
off the amount from high areas so it flattens the board. The danger
is there is a guard in place but it is a string mudflap, basically
keeps your hands from falling in when there is not a board holding the
guard open.

As he is jointing a small piece of would he is holding down the board,
and has two fingers trailing behind the board, and yep lost the tips
of two fingers, and it happens in an instant. The blades are spinning
at something like 10,000 rpms (I could be wrong) so its quick. He
ended up being fine, meaning alive and well, but two fingers are a
little shorter.

While I was running a shop in Norwood, MA we had a small gas powered
go kart in the shop. It would get a little pep going and we would
race it around the shop. When you are sitting in the kart, all the
edges of all the machinery is right at eye level, which is a hazard in
itself. With this there is a light layer of sawdust all over the
floor which when you are cruising in the kart, and turn, you get a
killer slide going through turns. No one was ever hurt but it was a
ton of fun after a long day to blast through the shop and do quick
few laps to let off some carbon monoxide in a closed building.

I then took this to a new level this past week... in my current shop
on a nice day we have a large garage door which I will ride from my
bench, and out into the free world. There is constantly a layer of
dust all over the floor, and on my way out I will do a few skids since
you slide really well on the surface. Again there are machines,
carts, and screws everywhere. I have not gone down yet, but I really
want to get a good start from outside and skid through the entire shop
but it would require some great maneuvering I just do not possess in a
skid yet. I will keep you posted...

Thoughts...

4 February 2009

• While Friday night (I am not meaning specifically friday I mean in general) Phoenix was thinking that she was not falling in love with me, I was thinking how much I was falling in love with her. Saturday as she was saying she couldn't love me thoughts of happily ever after were being built and, and destroyed in my head.
  

Though the notion of friends is wonderful, it rarely works out in am real manner. I am friends with a lot of ex's but really they are like distant cousins we talk every couple of months hang out once a year, and that is about all. 

• It just seemed with Phoenix my life was full, I had stuff to do most nights of the week, and things to look forward to doing. Work was a filler between seeing her, and doing things. Now work is a reason to wake up each morning, because aside from blowing I got nothing going on. I know this is my own fault/issue one which I had worked through and filled prior to meeting Phoenix, and as we saw each other more I started pushing things out (nothing important) to make room for her. Look at my blog stats I average 15 a month prior to having sex with Phoenix it then dropped to 6 afterwards.
  

I guess one of things that gets me too is I had doubts from time to time. Phoenix would smoke mostly while drinking  and never truly was an issue. First it started just the smell, and then progressed into me being worried about her health, because i was thinking of happily ever after. Also, though it seemed like she always enjoyed our time together, it never really seemed as though she understood me, more just as though she was putting up with my antics.

• It also really hit me this weekend the lack of resources I have in my life. Phoenix had made a comment after my relapse that I should find a mentor to be able to call if I had the desire to drink to talk to about it etc. Coming home Saturday, and feeling depressed I realized that I have no one to help. Skippy is the closest thing, and he is 9 hours away and 3000 miles. I also recognized this is all my own doing I have purposely always kept people at a distance, it has all been part of my philosophy since I was 15.
  

When I first decided to move to Denver I was talking to Martin and I remember it clear as day I said I just want to get a cheap shit-hole off Colfax. I wanted to live like Charlie Kelly (Its always Sunny in  Philadelphia) just get drunk all the time and slip through life, and die. This was my plan, and the arrest put a damper on that plan.  The crappy recession also made it so I had to keep my real job (cabinet making) and not be able to get a meaningless job where I could hide my existance.

• Hmmm I really need to get a therapist, ha ha. On the flip side my spelling is improving, as well as my typing, as for grammar I am hopeless.
  

Lost

3 February 2009

I left work today after putting in my 8, and peed in a cup, and came home. I got home 315ish, and then could not figure out why I wanted to leave work. Its not that I enjoy my job so much as to not want to leave, its just have no real reason to leave. I came home saw Jazmine, got to check my email, and look at some questionable web sites, but none of it is a reason.

Before work was a break between drunks, until the weekend came, and a long drunk would take place. Monday was to keep me alive or else my body would die from too much alcohol and no food. Then more recently I would see Phoenix, and never consider drinking. The nights we did not see each other were times to catch up on the things I was too busy to do, dishes, laundry (ha) and just good old fashion relaxation.

Here I have been home for 90 minutes and I am bored, I have eaten (for the first time in 48 hours), went through my email, payed my rent (3 days late.... I forgot) and now am just waiting for bed. I should go to the gym, but now that I am home, can't find the energy, but really what else do I have to do? I mean I am going to start to chafe before I know it, and then what!

Obviously I need a hobby which the first obvious choice would be scoping for broads online, which though I have done I am just going through the motions, I really don't care. Then furniture making, which I am ordering wood this week to make some end tables and a coffee table, but being a simple guy thats all the furniture I need, and its need is questionable. Cycling? Gets too dark to early to get in a good ride, so I could ride in the morning and worker later in the day, but my motivation dwindles once the shop empties. Plus, after I got the "talk" a couple of weeks ago my boss would just think I am slacking again. THe choice is clear... drugs, ha ha.

I should clearly be cleaning out the fridge, or doing my dishes but why? This then brings me back to drinking... and thus why I am an alcoholic, everything has an excuse except drinking. Drinking is social (just not for me) helps pass the time, and makes talking to women easier, and more interesting, make perfect sense right?

Finances
Today I started my new budgeting notion, I took out 120 bucks in cash with the notion that I have to make it last until next week for all my food, recreation etc. The one caveat is that all my UA's etc come out of my savings since today was 50 bucks to blow, drug test, and UA for alcohol use. This will be a 100 dollar week for those guys, good for them.

Adjustment of the questions phrasing

3 February 2009

So, I now have two questions the new one is it healthy to be friends with an ex.  My thinking is won't there always be that hope on one side that you might get back together, or if nothing else maybe some benefits? ;)

I ask since for a long time I was friends with most of my ex's, jail kind of took care of that funny how everyone scatters, I was not convicted of murder people!  I spent time drinking with most of them, they clearly must have seen I had a problem.  People I owned a kegorator and never had people over, its not brain surgery here.  I digress....

I used to have a thing called the "tribunal" it was 2 ex's and a good friend who I would consult with my women questions etc.  Everyone thought it was very unhealthy that I was still in contact with just those 2 of my ex's never mind the rest.  out of my 37 friends on Facebook, I have dated or slept with 7... nearly 20% is that normal? and I still talk to all of them on a somewhat regular basis, is this healthy or normal?

The question of the day

2 February 2009

I posted a poll, which you will find to your left. In the past I have stayed in contact with quite a few of my ex's, which some consider unhealthy, others just find it odd.  There are a number of people who regularly read this blog who at one point have been in my bed.  My question is have I just watched too many episodes of Seinfeld?  Is the ideal of still being friends with an ex not realistic? 

There is no Dana only Zuel

1 February 2009

I just opened my fridge, and the smell almost got me to heave like George Bush at an Embassy function.  I figured a picture was needed, though I wish I could do a scratch and sniff for this picture.  

The salad I made the last time Phoenix came over for dinner, not sure when that was maybe a week ago?

That Milk, says "sell by Jan 17"

There is a block of cheese which is nearing a month or so old.  

There is a tub of mashed potatoes from the first time I made Phoenix dinner... the 23rd of December.  

I am clueless when i bought those apples, but they have seen better days.  

There is some old take out which was from Tuesday january 20th if memory serves.  

To vomit or not to vomit

1 February 2009

This is the choice I am trying to decide.  How is it I forget this feeling every time I think of drinking?  This is worse than all the other possible ramifications for drinking.  

I also know from past times that the next time I have to use the toilet its not going to be pretty.  I remember sobering up in jail, and after 4-5 days I had my first solid bowel movement in a year, I had nearly forgot that they are supposed to be solid.  

I ended up vomiting, and it actually had a sweet after taste, weird.  Later I was walking Jazmine and as she squats to poop, I catch a wif, and nearly lost it.  How funny would that have been? It was right at a traffic light, so here you are driving to work, and there are not many people on the streets, and you come to a red light.  You look off to the side to see a dog pooping, while the owner is hunched over throwing that tasty Whopper all over the sidewalk.  It would have been awesome!

A beer just to forget, its my life

1 February 2009

I believe that it was Freud who believed that when things go bad in one aspect of your life you delve into another part to make up for the shortcoming.. Being that if your family/personal life sucks you put your effort into your work life. Historically this has been the case with myself, and I doubt that will change. I have been enjoying work the past couple of weeks, and seems like this is will be my way to grip.

I have been toying with making a coffee table, and now that I have no real reason to make one seems like a great idea. Also, though being single is a downer, it is much cheaper than dating. The money I have spent over the years on dating, I know prostitution would have been much cheaper per lay than the actual pursuit of "happiness".

The relapse
Also, Frankel is where I learned of the concept of "Sunday neurosis" and I truly believe this is the aspect of my alcoholism needing the most attention. A very short explanation is idle hands do the devils work. Meaning boredom is a cause of alcoholism and drug usage. I know for myself having nothing to do, leads to my drinking.

Tuesday I left work feeling good, went home at 330 after a 9 hours of work. As I was leaving the shop there were a few co workers having a beer, I went and blew and getting home realized it was a great day. Weather was wonderful, great day at work, and I get the concept I am "normal" came into my head... So, I bought a few beers, and a few more....

The next morning feeling hungover, and well... like a piece of crap, I admitted this to Phoenix. WHich led to a discussion is this why she dumped me? I really don't care, not the point of the story. I felt like shit for letting myself down, and for taking a step back in my life. Monday was a SHITTY day, lots of bad news... bad day at work, that did not trigger me to drink. I find it disturbing happiness, and the sense of normalcy is a trigger for me to drink.

Thursday I had my "drunk class" which though 2 hours in length only last 15 minutes... I told you they only want the money. The instructor never teaches but as we were talking the subject of relapse came up, which given the circumstances seemed interesting. Her words were "relapse will happen" basic idea is we were all forced to quit drinking against our own desire. BA's UA's etc work to monitor but without a desire to quit we will play the system, and win or lose.

I have thought since my day of sentencing that forced sobriety was ridiculous... the system can be manipulated. A persons desire to give up their vices has to be a conscience decision, not placed upon them. Maybe this is the rationalization for the PBR in my hand? quite possibly. At this point I am looking for happiness, of some sort, and being sober did not work out. for me...

I know sobriety is my only way out, but tis the weekend...

Getting over the quasi-girlfriend
I rode home Saturday and picked up some beer, and drank all weekend. Included were sporadic naps, feelings of depression, and the even more depressing examination of my life. I found this interesting on a few levels one, alcohol doesn't do it for me anymore. Even combined with great drunken punk music, I just wound up feeling more empty.

As Sunday afternoon was coming to a close, I finally gave up on feeling sorry for myself, and accepted that is was done. A little later i got an email from Phoenix which did not shed any light on the matter, basically she likes me a lot but doesn't see herself loving me. This little opening popped into my head as a chance to try to work myself back in, but I figured why bother.

I have learned I am a catch, and like myself chicks are easily replaced. I also learned that being hungover sucks, how did I manage to live with this feeling for so long? I am not even badly hungover, damn I do not miss hang overs. I also realized I am screwed up but we all are, and maybe I am just too conscience of my own issues. I am not going to be president, a CEO or someone important, but I am here, so I might as well enjoy my little piece of time.