Just another Monday

29 December 2008

It is really hard to believe that my life is interesting enough that I would have anything to say on a Monday.  Today was very much an adult ay, had to make phone calls during break this morning, and then after work all sorts of errands including food shopping.  The past month I have been living in a state of slight starvation, especially come 3 in the afternoon I get all dizzy, and nearly passed out one day while riding downtown, which would have be hilarious passing out in the middle of 17^th.  Wonder how many times I would be hit before someone would try to pull me out of traffic, my guess is 4.  I actually had a dinner for myself tonight, and have the materials for breakfast. 

Today while running my errands I nearly got hit by the light rail, and I almost slammed into the back of a bus.  The bus was completely my fault I was drafting it at 25-30 mph, and you can’t see anything at all since it’s a BUS.  They slammed the brakes, ad I guess left or right, picked left and was not doored or killed, until that point I was having a ton of fun. 

I go to the post office 2-3 times a week depending on home much stuff I have on eBay, and I go there roughly the same time each day between 2-4. Everyday I have gone in they have Def Leopards Hysteria album going, first that is an odd album, who listens to that in 2008?  Secondly, every single time I have gone in there it is going, and for the most part it’s the same crew, but regardless of who is working this CD is running.  I am asking what the deal is when I go there next time, I will keep you all posed.

I got new manprise in the mail so I was sporting them today, and second I stood up, on my ankles they were, which has its time and place, a stop light downtown, 5ish NOT one of those times.  They literally were at my knees as I track stood in the middle of traffic, I got a few beeps, which I guess was a good thing.  Since I do not wear underwear I was waiting to get arrested for indecent exposure.  I got home, and pulled out my skinny belt, this belt I have not been able to wear in a year and a half?  I squeezed into it today, I will admit it did not just pop on but, I got into it.  This was after going to the gym, where I was totally checking myself out, for being fat and out of shape I don’t look too shabby.  Lifting for the first time in almost 2 years… that was well depressing, I am have the strength of a 12 year old pre-pubescent school girl with scoliosis.

Another week ticks away

28 December 2008

 

Fred Flintstone was a bastard

I put the Flintstones on my Netflix queue a few months ago, and finally made it to the front of the list.  I was going to hide it in back again but figured The Flintstones; I spent half my years watching the show.  I was still watching it in high school, so figured it would be interesting revisiting it 12 years latter.

I learned that it is the worst cartoon ever; it’s about an overweight bastard who shits on everyone.  Every once in awhile he learns his lesson, and quickly forgets the moral.  Ok, so the argument could be made that family guy is the same basic premise, which is true but Fred is not nearly as funny as Peter.

I watched the disc and started contemplating how we view things differently as we get older, as well as how gender roles have change.  I remember my junior year of high school someone at lunch had found a book from the 50’s.  It was designed to teach women to be the perfect wife, have dinner on the table, and basic baby your husband type stuff.  It was interesting to see how society has changed, to an era of baby sitters, day care, stay at home fathers, from one which preaches 1 income homes where the woman was subservient.

I actually had an old boss who did not want to send his daughter to college because he thought she would be getting married, and having kids out of high school, and thus the education would be wasted on her.  That one has always blown my mind…

 

Tommy Mac

I received the new Fine Woodworking magazine last night, and thumbing through it I saw n old friend of mine.  I went to school with him, and during that time we were pretty close. This was during my DUI time, and we were talking one day, and turned out that he had been sober for 15 years at the time.  He helped me with my sobriety back at that time, and at some point he and I lost contact. Just before moving to Colorado I was in Canton, MA going to a yoga class, and who has a shop next door?

A few days later I swung by on a bike ride, and ended up talking to him a bit, catching up since we hadn't talked in a few years.  He is a cool guy, too arrogant for me, but eh he has a successful business going, so clearly one of us is doing something right.  It was just funny looking through, and being like I know him!  It has happened with instructors but never someone who was there as a student with me. 

I remember fixing his backyard for him, spent 20+ hours digging up stumps, regarding, raking, and prepping the lawn for hydro seed one weekend.  If memory serves it came out looking really nice.  I remember dropping an 80’ Oak tree hanging over his garage, and then digging out the stump which was an ordeal. The backhoe was clearly underpowered but it was free. 

I also remember receiving a phone cal while working in his backyard, which was the job offer in D.C.; he invited me down to work in his shop for my spring break.  I ended up going down, ad working all day everyday I was down there since I had no way of getting around, figured might as well work. I remember sitting in the shop that Friday night working on a chest and a drunken bum sits up against the metal grate security door and chatted with me for 45 minutes… memories.

 

 All I need is the roids

Today I got a gym membership, Tuesday Phoenix and I talked, and I am actually going to quit drinking instead of just saying I am.  Over the last few days I took an inventory of what worked for me previously, and going to the gym was one such thing. The gym being located a few floors above the offices where I blow was a big selling point as well.  I figure I have to go into that building everyday for the next 9 months regardless I might as well have the guilt over my head if I do not work out right?  Literally over my head. 

I remember a few days after the talk Phoenix and I were texting, and she said unless I get over the drinking the relationship is never going to happen.  This actually just hit me for the first time. I figured if I blew hot etc what’s the mater, but now there is something on the line, something that matters, it’s nice to have a little support.

 

Exploration

Today I walked around my hood a bit more, and the more I explore the more I love it. Tattoo parlors, Chipotle, good book and record stores within 5 blocks??  This is awesome.  If only a bike shop was so close, but then that just might be dangerous.  Plus while walking to said stores I got called a “piece of sh*t” for not having any spare change.  I figured going into a discussion about how cash is a dated form of payment, and that really there is no need to carry cash anymore.  If he was smart he would have a business card with a PayPal account you could make donations too, that would be AWESOME!!  I think I am going to start panhandling in such a manner, never know maybe people would be more generous?  Just a thought.

I also found out the deal with my laundry room today, ok so it took me a month to figure out where the laundry room is… today I found out it was the room I suspected it to be, but you need a key, a key which I do not have.  Tomorrow I need to call for the key, but for the tie being I am able to do laundry, provided nothing gets stolen, I should be alright, and at least have clean clothes for New Years eve, even if they are not to snazzy.

Into the Belly of the beast (Part 2 of 4)

27 December 2008

 I get transported to Boulder County Sheriffs, and go through the remainder of the booking process.  There are 3 other people there, all for alcohol; they were all on their first offenses.  They were calling their parents telling the story, and asking to be bailed out.  I was sitting there waiting to see what was to happen to me.  I was clueless as to what I was going to face, and well they don’t give you any information at all! 

 I do the finger print, mug shot etc, and then led to a small room to change into the prison garb. I bright orange one piece suit, slip on shoes socks, and some boxers. I change, and am led down a long hall, at this point it hit me, this is not a $50 fine, and get a ride home type situation.  I get led to a pod, and am handed some sheets, a coffee mug with, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, and a comb.  Then told “16”, I walk into the pod and find 16, and unpack. 

 The pod consists of two tiers, in the neighborhood of 30 cells 10 of which are high security, and are in a separate smaller pen.  All the cells have two beds a small desk, and a toilet, it is roughly 10’x7’.  The upper tier overlooks the open space which is a few tables’ benches, 2 phones, and couple of TV’s with no sound.  There is an ominous triangle of tinted glass, the guard shack which has a little doggie window you use to talk to them.  This is the “Intake” pod where you spend 2-5 days before you get sent to your new home.  You spend around 19 hours a day locked in your cell; otherwise you have 2 hours at night to watch TV, or phone calls. 

 I learned over the next day, that the guards do not like being asked to do much of anything. This pod is “Intake” everyone in here is pretty oblivious to what is going on.  Frst timers have no clue, and have to ask everything, when is food, how do you make a phone call etc.  Once we got out of lock down I started asking the guards if I could get my phone, this is a no-go. After a bunch of begging and pleading they give me the phone.  Which is a classic good cop, bad cop story,  one guard says no, and tells you to shut up, the other gets the phone.  The only reason he helped me was since my dog was locked in my apartment, he clearly has a dog. 

 I called Kate, and her sister with the guard standing beside me, he also let me copy down some phone numbers because this day in age who knows ANYONES number?  The messages I left got Jazmine released and into Kate’s custody (she was not happy)  I was awaiting my bond papers so I could post bond and get out.  Halfway through the day I get the paper, and have a $5000 bond to post…. Hmmm. Again no one tells me anything, and I start looking into bondsman. 

 Monday morning turns fruitful with two people willing to post bond, which would have been great.  10 minutes after getting of the phone with my ex boss who was going to post for me, they yell my name.  Interesting side note, all the doors are electronically locked or unlocked, so you learn very quickly the sound of the “click” it makes when you are opened, it was alarming how quickly that “click” would get a reaction.  I heard the click and open the door, and told me lawyer is here.

 I go into to meet with my lawyer, who is just a kid, in college, trying to finish up his schooling.  We go over the charges, which is a laundry list DUI, No plate, expired tags, no insurance, broken windshield, and think another 1 or two things.  I am also apparently facing felony charges because of the girl in the car.  We go over the charges, which I deny all but the DUI, the rest were either made up (I had insurance) or a result of the accident… I hit a tree, the windshield broke, but they try to charge me with driving with a broken windshield.  Oh, and the greatest “fleeing the scene of and accident” Apparently pushing the car off the road is considered fleeing, yeah it’s a 1mph get away pushing a car. 

 He and I go through my story, and I just tell the story how I know it, so yes I was drunk, etc. He tells me I am facing 10 days to a year in jail.  Ton of fees, classes, monitored sobriety, etc etc. 

 I return to my cell with some sort of sense of relief, that maybe this whole thing might find an end.   There is not much you can do in jail, you can watch TV if your cell faces a TV, but with no sound (this is just intake) or you can read, sleep, stare at the wall, but really not much happening. My cellie was a trustee, which has its perks.  Trustee’s come from prison terminology; they are considered the inmate police so to speak.  They are given special privileges since they are trusted.  In Boulder County, it equated to guys who were facing big charges, and who are still stuck in court, but basically are looking at life.  One guy is in a bug public case in Boulder for murdering and raping a woman 10 years ago.  My cellie was facing a long count of child molestation charges (this is the rumor… no one EVER admits to child molestation) its always my lawyer is working on the case.  The origin of the case is never told, since child molesters are the most hated people in jail. 

 The perks of being a trustee are, you are only in lock down at night otherwise you sweep the floor and clean after meals, and can hang out in the pod while everyone else is n lockdown.  Being a cellie gets you the benefit of not having to close the door, which at least makes the cell feel a little larger.  This was huge since my system was having a tough time, and having a little extra air coming through was helpful. 

 Later the “click” releases me to go to court.  You are led down a hall to a little pen, with a bunch of people from other pods.  Here they do the full shackle, hands shackled to your waist; being presumed innocent is tough when you are in an orange jumpsuit while your hands are chained to your waist.  You go in hear your charges, say your “not guilty” the judge laughs are your plea for the bond to be lowered, and a court date is set up.  Mine is for Wednesday, and am sent back to my cell.

The next few days is a boring repetition of breakfast (530 am) lunch (10301m) dinner (500pm) and 2 hours of being able to make phone calls, and relax.  The rest of the time I am in my cell reading.  My cellie aside from the usual bible and other religious writings had a good little collection he let me use.  Wednesday comes, the felony charges are dropped, and I get sentenced.  120 days suspended, 60 days to serve, 60 hrs community service, one year monitored sobriety, one year loss of license, classes and so forth. 

Early the following morning the “click” and the yell is for me to pack… and into the belly I go.

The Chuckler

27 December 2008

 

This week’s highlight was Tuesday night, which consisted of hanging out with Phoenix.  Monday she and I hadn’t really talked, and by mid afternoon Tuesday I was not in a good mood in general.  I was actually cooking for the first time in my new kitchen which was good.  I also learned that when the knob is not on the oven correctly the temperatures vary. Once that hurdle was figured out (thanks to Phoenix) dinner was rolling. 

Phoenix came over and things were going alright, but she totally read me, and could tell something was up.  We ended up talking about my Sunday blog; we discussed a number of things including my issue with alcohol.  This felt extremely awkward because really I am best off being truthful but general dating rules say there is a line to how truthful one should be  I opened up, and we discussed the issue, and if I am ready to quit.  She luckily supports me in my quest to quit drinking which actually helps. 

Dinner actually came out well, though the clean up has been slow…  The night continued on, and at some point, about 5 minutes before she goes to leave, I muster up the courage to kiss her.  Which after a few minutes lead to me making a joke her dog wanted to spend the night.  Phoenix doesn’t take much crap, or miss much and chimes in with “well she hasn’t been invited to spend the night.”  Which amazingly I picked up on, and Phoenix and her cool little dog spent the night. 

Phoenix flew to Florida the next morning, and I won’t see her again until New Years Eve.  I was actually worried about the whole trip situation since I tend to get overly worked up, but it has actually been pretty cool.  I feel like I have finally found the sweet spot on a wave.  I remember back in my kayaking days when you would find the sweet spot, and you could miss landing tricks but somehow the wave would just let you roll, and find yourself right back on that same wave. 

I just came up with a great kayak/dating analogy for myself.  I tend to date like a hole, or date holes?  A hole in kayaking is when water runs over the top of a rock, log etc and falls.  The force of the water hitting the surface crates and underwater riptide so to speak where the water on the surface is pushing into the rock and the water underneath is trying to escape but gets pulled back.  The larger the fall, volume of water makes a hole stronger and they become “sticky” meaning they cam become very difficult to get out from safely.

Years ago a friend of mine Jim, and I went to run some class IV rapids which we had done once before with people, yes this story screams death.  So, we head out down a class IV rapid, for our second time ever, the water was extremely high, its was a week day, and there was NO ONE on the river but us. Anyone who knows anything about the outdoors knows how stupid we were.  So we are going down, and I have a thing for “bumping” where you bump or blast off a rock, which on the opposite side is usually a hole.  You try to take off with enough sped as to miss the hole on the other side.

I did not realize the other side was a 4 foot fall, which led to a super sticky hole.  The dynamics while in the whole is tough to explain… you are getting pushed toward the rock, and the water coming over the rock starts catching the front of the boat.  The water hitting the front flips you, straight into the rock.  You roll, and find yourself about 2 seconds from flipping again… it’s a vicious cycle, hence sticky holes are dangerous.  After about 3 bouts of ring around the rosy I stuck my arms out, and held my breath.  This allows the paddle to grab water outside of the hole, which will tow you out.  The issue being large holes, mean a lot of breath holding.  Finally I escape, and roll, my buddy was freaking out thinking I had just bit the big one.  We ended up finishing the day with a couple of wild moments, but we all survived. 

You can surf holes, but it’s a completely different act than surfing a wave, and not nearly as enjoyable (personal preference).

My analogy is that I usually treat dating like a hole, that I rush in, get knocked over, and sit under water confused, then sot it out and small back into the rock.  This continues until the hole finally releases me and I float down river.

Surfing a wave, is a little easier you paddle or coast I, and then paddle when necessary to fall back into the sweet spot, but once you are in the zone you can sit in there with no effort.  This is where I wan to find myself where you got the sweet spot, and unless something comes up, there is on real work.  Make any sense? I suppose I just try to force things. 

I actually ended up just talking to Phoenix on the phone for a hour.  This never ceases to amaze me, how easily I can talk to her.  The Monday after my Christmas party a co-worker and I were talking, and he asked how long I have been seeing Phoenix.  I said two weeks, and he was amazed “the way you were talking I would have thought you had been together for years.”  We end up talking a lot abut everything including if Tom Boonen is the sexiest man on earth, one of us does not think he is.  

Skinny John and his magical manprise

21 December 2008

So the weekend turned out well, and as been the case as of late, short.  I went out with Phoenix Saturday night, and met with some of her friends which was really cool. I spent the night, which was very nice, and for once in my life I did not go in for the sex.  I was more proud of myself showing restraint, and recognizing that it is in my best interest to wait. 

We ended up sending the day together Sunday, which was great, freaky but great.  I am not feeling as warm and fuzzy in terms of things working out long-term now.  I have always joked about being a child and it really hit me today.  Phoenix is great, and she is just a lot more put together than me.  Her place is a home, Christmas lights furniture, food, and well all the things adults have in a home.  My place well is clean, and empty I have 3 pieces of furniture, and 3 bikes… that pretty much sums up my place, which s completely by choice, I d not need much.  I am a firm believer in simplicity, and staying away from having stuff, which I struggle with from time t time. 

I am starting to get that feeling I had when hanging out with women a year ago. The feeling that I am a novelty, that they are slumming so they can tell there friends I dated this guy once stories.  Last year I think it was more the Mohawk, they could tell their friends “yeah I went out with a dude with a Mohawk once”.  With Phoenix it is not that, but I just feel like this is lining up where as I am the “rebound” guy.  It just doesn’t seem that someone put together, nice place, and well sorted out life is really going to stick with a dude like me.  I feel the novelty of a guy who is ADHD, and can barely care for himself and his dog will wear of quickly.  Who knows?  Just need to relax and ride the wave, and see where it takes me.

Today while we were hanging out she taught me how to sew, and I made myself some knickers.  Phoenix got me the killer tights the other day, I think as a joke but yes I am totally rocking those bad boys…..

Random Saturday Ramblings

20 December 2008

 

Where is Ty Pennington?

There is this random shoe shop on the corner of my street. It is a mom-pop type place they fix shoes, not sure what they sell otherwise. In the window they have these really random shoes, like a cross between Sex and the City and Elton John.  They also have posters in the windows, not of shoes but one of Janet Jackson, one with 3 scantily clad women police officers posing on a cop car which says “Assume the position” across the bottom.  All of these posters are clearly circa 1988, and are fading with age.  I just wonder why, I almost want to go in and ask the decorating motif, I am sure the bums store the images in their spank bank but really what was their thought process.

Sobriety? We just want your money.

I went to go blow, and last night was my Xmas party though I did not get drunk, the woman was Johnny on the spot with the wine.  The glass never got below half, so who knows how much I really had?  So, I get there 10 minutes before close to give my liver as much time as possible to get it out of my system.  I enter and the place is deserted (place is ALWAYS packed) I chit chat with the dude pay the $4, and he says “Thank you for not drinking have a good day”.  Stunned I say “All set?” he says yes and I leave… I never blew the guy was distracted by the small talk and taking my cash that he forgot to make me blow ha ha.

Dear Assos, and Chrome

Over the last week I made sure I was going to have a Merry Christmas so I bought myself a few things.  A new cycling jacket (though it really looks like a sweatshirt) and new gloves.  The tally was up there for the two items, and I actually had buyer’s remorse.  First the coat comes and I was disappointed. It is really light, no way it can keep me warm riding in the cold.  It is a 1/8” of wool, I am going to freeze I think.  That jacket blows my mind, I was riding in 20 degree weather, little bit of wind. I was sweating!  I was wearing a t-shirt and basically a LIGHT sweatshirt.  Everyone has made fun of me for spending what I did on it, but my god it is a thing of beauty.

I also bought new gloves, also crazy expensive, and today proved well worth every cent. My hands FREEZE amazingly easily, they were great, and I was wearing 2 of the 3.  The system comes with 3 gloves, which fit inside one another so you can adjust it to the cold, and my hands were balmy and still great sense of touch and feel.  I am going to be depressed when summer rolls around.

The even more interesting thing is a week ago I was at a show in my “real” cycling coat, and I had my gloves in the rear pockets. In the process of dancing I lost the gloves.  I went to a show Thursday night, and didn’t lose anything why?  My new kick ass coat has zippered pockets!!!  Phone, wallet, gloves.. all safe… Yes I love the sweatshirt.

“I’m horny!”

I am track standing at the end of my street waiting for the light and a car drive by and a very cute girl yells either “I’m horny” or “Good morning” neither makes any sense, but who cares?  Now, if I was quick on my feet I would have turned chased them down… easily done on Colfax where the lights are everywhere!  Instead I went to go blow with a big stupid grin on my face…. 

I love livin in the city (Fear)

20 December 2008

 

It has been a while since I have spent time in a city, or a good deal of time.  Boulder is not a city, Boulder is nice, but it’s a large town I think nearly half of its population comes from the college.  When I was living in D.C. I had the girlfriend which changed the shape of my time.

Now living in a proper city and near everything is great.  I like being able to ride everywhere, and the ability to see shows all the time is great.  Also riding through traffic though likely to kill me is a ton of fun. 

The past few weeks I have ended up drinking a few times, which is not a response to city life but just another example of my stupidity.  This could lead to a long debate of the “benefit” of state mandated sobriety, its effectiveness, and really its purpose.  They now actually have ankle bracelets which on top of monitoring your every movement also can tell if there is alcohol in your blood stream, does forcing someone sober work? 

The other day I thought there was a chance I would blow hot.  I was texting a friend who responded in a very logical manner, “Going back to jail is bad… think of Phoenix and Jazmine”.  I would not go back to jail for blowing hot, but my friend got me thinking. 

I started to think I am either too self centered or just stopped giving a crap.  I suppose it goes with the thought process if I died how long until someone figured it out.  If I went back to jail who would really care?  I know someone who would take Jazmine and if I left my door open my apartment would be cleaned out in a few hours so how long until someone noticed? 

I have no intentions of returning to jail, but more debating with myself the point of my existence.  When I was a child I was told the following story, which it could be true, or my parents blowing smoke up my ass. 

Apparently my mother miscarried a few times, all with boys.  When she was pregnant with me she was told she would miscarry once again.  My father took my mother to NH for a little vacation and to help soften the blow a bit.  While walking on the pier my mother tripped, landing on me.  She was really worried and returned to the doctor the following week, and the doctor seemed to think that now there might be a shot I would be alright. 

I always kept this story in the back of my mind thinking maybe there was some purpose to my existence.  The story is cute, until I am now 30 and recognize I have nothing to offer society.  My existence has been more of a strain on the world, and family than any benefit my existence has brought to either.   I suppose I am but one of millions whose day to day existence is trivial, after all we can’t all be a genius and invent the pet rock.  Without the millions there would be no need for the pet rock, and brings us to which came first the chicken or the egg?  Without the silent millions would there be need for the peoples whose existence matter?  

An Afterthought:

When I was on work release I looked into joining the Army again.  Amazingly since I am on probation I am a no-go even while we engage in a pointless cat and mouse game, and enforce a police state elsewhere.  I wanted to join infantry, and everyones obvious response was that I was a moron and would end up in Iraq.  What I never told anyone was that at least dying there would make me feel like I actually served a purpose.  Now how twisted is that? Ha ha

The picture was my natural response to spending 32 hours pushing snow around last winter.   

From the east coast, to the west coast , gotta gotta gotta go! (Agnostic Front)

20 December 2008

This week has been a long one, I finished up the kitchen project, and work has been slow the entire shop just kind of wanders around trying to look busy. It always gets like this just before Christmas, you try to get things out the door, and then kill time until New Years.  I just got assigned a small project, some build outs for massive mirrors.

I ended up having to submit a UA (Urine Analysis) this week, which was an experience.  They give you the little cup head into the bathroom, close the door and stare at you through a 12” X 12” cutout in the wall.  Now, I don’t know anyone else but being watched while urinating is very difficult.  Then, they thought the piercing was a tube so I had to show them the piercing.  I actually could not submit a sample; I apparently can’t pee while being watched by a stranger through a little opening. 

Tuesday I went out with Phoenix again, and again it was a great night.  We went out for Tapas, and then to a performance at the Colorado Symphony Orchestra.  Both of which were outstanding,   the only issue was the night was too short, and by the time the show was over, it was past my bed time. 

She being the logical one calls it a night, and I walked her to her car, just as I was kissing her good night I got and overwhelming sense of dread (no it had nothing to do with the kiss, ha ha).  I closed the door, and began walking with Jazmine, and the feeling grew, by the time I got home, it was so strong I could vomit.  I could not put my finger on what caused the feeling. I woke up in the morning feeling great.

I can only come up with that it was guilt for being happy.  Who would feel guilty for being happy? Catholics!  Being as I have not practiced religion ever, and stopped going through the motions 18 years ago, that doesn’t seem like a good answer.  I can only come up with that in some twisted way I think that I should not be happy since I was in jail.  My two years probation now include a clause that I have to be miserable my case manager would be happy to hear that information.  The whole thing I still find perplexing in how sudden it came about, and with such strength. 

Wednesday I got a bed finally which made for great nights sleep, except for a certain dog who thinks the bed is for her, and all night pushes me off. Its really cute until you wake up pushed into the corner at 2 am, and the dog is spread eagle taking up the whole thing, and looks at you as though you’re the ass. 

Thursday began my long day, work, alcohol class, and then a show.  This is what it must be like to be a busy adult right?  Having stuff to do, and not be able to watch cartoons all afternoon and evening?  This is for the birds!  I suppose that seeing Agnostic Front really does not fall into the being an adult, with stuff to do category.  Really it’s like going to the gym, you get to run around, bump into stuff, hmm maybe its more childish than I thought.  Its like a big game of Red Rover, except less organized, in cramps quarters, and you leave bruised. Hmm… Yes sir, I think I like it! 

The show was great, even though I felt really old, and this morning feel even older.  When did 5 hours of sleep become inadequate? Also, when did the transformation where eating one meal a day was not enough for me?  So, 24 days after I moved I am actually going to have to go food shopping, which has more to do with plans I made than anything else.  Tuesday I am actually going to find out if my stove works. 

The week ended with my works Christmas party, which was good.  When would I ever pass on free food right?  I also got to hang out with Phoenix again which was very nice.  I went looking for my new favorite pants, which I ought while visiting my sister in VA, could not find the. I searched for my favorite shirt… no joy.  I have a rather barren apartment so; I start to think recognizing I left my dryer at my old apartment loaded with clothes.   Took me a month but I finally notice I am missing a ¼ of my clothes, I swear my retardation is getting worse. 

 

 

A side note: Brunch

It came to light that the "is he really friendly or gay" guy from an earlier post is in fact gay.  This was a great topic of conversation over brunch.  Mainly the fact that I am so oblivious to  the fact I was being picked up, and the notion that I thought he was just friendly.   

Today is the greatest day I have ever known (Smashing Pumpkins)

14 December 2008     

The week is upon us all once again, which is always a shame.  This past weekend was one of the best in recent memory, considering I worked half of my Saturday away that is quite a concept. 

Friday night I somehow came across this Denver based hardcore band online which I figured it would be fun to see, and they just happened to be playing Saturday night.  After some hesitation, and some help finding out where the venue is, I decided to go to the show.  I made my way downtown to se the show. When I get there the place is pretty empty, and the show is supposed to start in 30 mins.  The bar was a dive which is my favorite type of bar.  It was the type of place where you felt like you could be stabbed at any moment, I loved it.

After 30-45 mins I decide there is no show, and start to get up to leave when the bartender asks if I was there for the show.  We talk a bit, and apparently the show is at 10, not 9 like I had seen online.  The bar is tiny, so I ask where they play, apparently they move some tables out of the way… I like this place even more.

945 comes, and the place fills, up, they move some tables drop some drums and off we go. I learned a few things: one moshing in mtn bike shoes = slippery = fall down.  I bruised both my elbows, and my but, from falling down due to no traction.  Secondly, I learned unless it is attached to me, I will lose it.  I lost my gloves, and in leaving I unlocked my bike, and put the lock back onto the sign and rode away.  This is a theory as of right now, my lock is missing and this is my best guess to its whereabouts.  I am going to ride by on my way home from work, and see if I really am that absentminded.  I have caught myself doing this before so I think this may be the case.  Otherwise I need to buy a new $50 lock. I rode home through a very pleasant snow storm, it was nice.

Sunday, which I had been looking forward to for a few days started off poorly.  I was no longer excited, I was not feeling social, I wanted to be alone.  These feelings disappeared the moment ”Phoenix” came to pick me up. My friend Lisa and I decided earlier in the week to have brunch, we were going to the week prior but she cancelled.  She came down with her husband, and I took “Phoenix”. I was pretty nervous about the whole thing, this seemed a little too grown up, and mature. I mean brunch with friends?  That is something I have never tried to initiate in my life.  We got there, and Lisa was no where to be found, or heard from, this got me a little nervous.  After a few nervous minutes of thinking how to handle getting stood up by friends in front of my date, I receive a text from Lisa.  She was running late, this was good news. 

Lisa showed up, and we were off and running, it was actually an amazing experiance.  “Phoenix” fit right in, and we al ended up talking eating, and being merry for 4 hours until we noticed the place was almost empty.  They cleaned everything up, and that we should really get going.  That in itself would have left me thinking life is good.  My original plans were to go to the art museum afterwards, as we were leaving brunch, we decided that going to my place to lounge and watch TV was a better idea. 

We get to my place, watch some “Its Always Sunny” and talked…a lot.  We also fooled around a bit, which is always good.  At one point we stopped and had the “talk” those of you who have heard my stories from the past year know that as with life in general I need instant gratification.  I have very little self control, and when it comes to the realm of physical contact… even less.  I had been talking to Skippy earlier discussing this matter, and was decided I wanted to take things slow this time around. When we were in the heat of the moment that notion kind of took a step back.  She and I ended up talking and decided that moving slow was what we both wanted.  I was very relieved to of had the conversation, and to be in agreement.

We talked for the remainder of the afternoon, and it was wonderful.  The flowers were a big hit, and I actually learned a lot about her.  I found the afternoon difficult in some sense because of how much joy it was bringing me.  I have little self esteem, and have recently just felt like I didn’t deserve, or was supposed to be happy.  As an effect I would always think in the back of my mind this won’t work as a defensive mechanism.  Sitting on the couch, being content and having the feeling life is good freaked me out for two reasons.  One, being happy with a girl, which it has been awhile since I really had that feeling, or felt it had a purpose beyond coatis.  Secondly, just that life is good, though I have a ton of crap going on and obviously some issues to address that things might end up being alright.

I know that sounds stupid, but not 2 months ago I was thinking of getting my sentence reconsidered and just serving a year straight to get it over with.  My stint in jail was short, and really easy, I still need to tell the stories of my time there, but its amazing what it does to ones mindset.  Which anyone who ever read about the Stanford Prison Experiment would know, we all read it thinking oh I wouldn’t do that etc, I would be different.  When you are in those shoes things are different.  I think to a large extent as well, though I am happy go lucky and don’t get worked up, mentally I am not strong enough to handle that environment.  While there I had no issues, but it definitely had effects far beyond the general notion of you can’t go outside. 

While in jail I actually read a book about the SPE, I had known about it previously but the book was written by the professor in charge of the experiment.  He also went on to discuss the prison violence which plagued the news a few years back about the treatment of inmates in Abu Ghraib.  My time was nothing like the instances of either example but it did destroy what little self confidence I had upon entering.   

In boot camp, they tear you down, and build you back up.  Anyone who new me when I returned from basic know that I had definitely changed over those 9 weeks, and a huge change for the better.  Jail reminded me of the same experience, the issue is you don’t get built back up. For many of the people I met inside jail it was a way of life being in and out since they were 18. Their confidence was based on being a bad ass, they more time they served the more they felt superior. For me it tore down what little confidence I had in myself.

Returning to the point, I still have a smile 12 hours after she went home.  I am slowly beginning to recognize that everything might just end up being alright…   

The resurrection of romantic John

13 December 2008

I have been looking at my life in many ways recently, due to the arrest, and just in general.  One thing I have noticed is I was once a romantic, and over the last year and a half I have turned into something else. I would not say playa but just I have gotten lazy, and stopped putting in the effort I was did.  With each failed attempt the less I tried because though nothing meaningful was resulting, I was getting what I needed. 

Over the past few days I have been trying to reexamine this trend and also try to find a way to get out of this “funk” and look for something a little more meaningful.  I decided it was time to return to the old days of well, seriously just giving a rats ass.  I decided flowers were the ticket, I used to always get girls flowers back in the day, and as I got older so did the idea.  Today I walked 5 blocks past drunks, and homeless carrying this arrangement which truly is beautiful but makes me wonder if I just went over the top again… which I tend to do almost all the time.

This is all in preparation for the big date I have planned for tomorrow, brunch, and the art museum which is not over the top by any means, but the first real date I suppose.  This has e actually pretty excited which it has been a long time since I have gotten the old butterflies.  The closest I came to feeling this way in recent memory was the night I hit a tree, hopefully this one will end without police involvement.

Phoenix

12 December 2008

I awoke late Thursday after going to slept late, I was up on the phone for entirely too long, in a very good way. I went into work late, just to leave early.  I have not been very motivated at work this week for a few reasons, one of which being the job I am working on.  I am working on a cool kitchen for the founder of the Under Armor­ brand, with Vinnie.  Vinnie is a dick, which makes the day very tiresome.  He is talented and does a great job, but even if he screws up something… it turns into my problem, just a pain.  That and he spends too much time looking at what I am doing, which is just irritating.

Anyways so I had to leave work early to go to orientation at yet another alcohol place, this time in Denver. On my way there I go to deposit the check I got for my totaled car, a good chunk of cash. I got to deposit it, and ask when it will be available, “5 days”.  At this point I am $500 overdrawn and had to buy pizza Wednesday night with quarters… this is not going to work.  I plead, asking if they can release enough to cover overdraft fees “no”.  They mention I can take it to a check casher, which I quickly respond with “How can they cash the entire thing in a few minutes, and you can’t release 10%?” This just gets me an annoyed and puzzled look from the teller.  I take my check and head to my appointment.

I get my appointment, and after some waiting, I am handed a packet of paper ½” thick… all of which I need to fill out.  All of which I have answered 6 times prior, all of which serves no purpose!  I speed through the paperwork, because really I am fed up with the system, and don’t really care.  AN interesting section which was new asks a bunch of questions to figure out you risk level to HIV etc. One of the questions asks how many people have you slept with in the last year. Considering I spent 1.5 months in jail, and haven’t had a girlfriend in 6 months, last fall/winter I got around.  Luckily I have also been tested 3 times in the last year.  While I am filling out my paperwork a few other people come in to fill theirs, which consists of 2 sheets of paper!

I pass in the test, and have to sit and wait, and wait.  I am led into an office where the women starts going through the paperwork, not looking at answers, just sign here, initial here etc.  Didn’t look at a single answer, just making sure it is signed properly, she then breaks out a manila folder, and boom its all gone.  I predict that paperwork will not see the light of day until they go to clean out their filing cabinets.  She goes over the referral from my case manager; ands says that I was screwed.  She could not understand why they had me signed up for one of the classes; she called my case manager, and left a message.  When I go in tonight for yet another orientation I find out if she was able to get some strings pulled, and loses some of the crap.  The end comes and their most important duty is before them… yep time to collect the money.  I have no money I know this, I give her a credit card, which is declined. I play dumb, she says I have 2 hours to get the money or else they throw out the paperwork. 

I leave and head to the check cashing place, long story short they do cash it handing me 4000 in cash and another 9k in money orders.  I felt like a sitting duck walking to me bike, which had been ticketed while I was getting the check cashed.  I am not kidding apparently you are not allowed to chain your bike to light poles on the 16^th Street mall.  I probably should not have parked next to a cruiser huh? 

After all of this I stop pay the fee, and head home.  Now the exciting part of the day was ahead of me, I had another date (same girl) who I will call “Phoenix”.  She came over and we took the dogs to the park to let them run around.  I enjoy this but Jazmine has been pissing me off because she continually goes after Phoenix’s dog, and it gets old. Plus that’s all I need is to get vetoed by her dog right?  Afterwards we go out to dinner, and then back to my place.

While we were at dinner we left the dogs in the apartment, at some point Jazmine got her ass kicked.  She went front being the dominant one at the park to being completely submissive, so it looks as though I will not be getting vetoed by the dog.

We were playing with the dogs, talking, and everything is going great.  We were sitting on the floor and we are both accidently touching each other, moving to and fro. Now, any red blooded male would have made a move… not me.  We sat and chatted for 2 hours, and while this is going on in the back of my mind all I hear is “make a move you sissy!!!!” 

It gets late, and she goes to leave, I walk her to her car being the gentleman I am, the entire time saying to myself “kiss her!”  We get to her car, we are standing there talking and she says “So, are you going to kiss me or what?” though this is a huge turn on, at the same time I felt pathetic (rightfully so).  I laugh and make a comment about how pathetic I am that she had to ask, which is just delaying an actual kiss.

 As I walked to my apartment I felt like a happy little kid, and was a wonderful feeling.  I then realized it had been a long time since I have kissed someone sober which is sad on a number of levels. 

I feel that this could end up being something good, overall I think she will be good for me… time will tell.  I sort of feel like she might be the start to something good rising out of the turmoil which has been my life recently (hence the name “Phoenix”).

 

Dislove

9 December 2008

I was walking the dog this morning, and in thinking of the previous days date started wondering.  I like to think of myself as analytical and problem solving…. Though we all know I can be headstrong, and stubborn.  I suppose the two do not rule each other out, but in my grasp they do.  I have been of this futile mission to figure out why I am single, which is futile to a degree in the sense that there is always multiple variables, the girl = x the timing =y etc all the way down to her stuffed animal died in a horrific hang gliding accident = hhga. 

 As Jazmine and I make our rounds I found one constant in my life which may/may not contribute to failure with women, and if my general life.  Impatience… when I meet someone I like I want to se them all the time taking things from 0-60, and taking a 2 yr relationship with a chance to a 2 weeks relationship because after two weeks, you have no real vested interest to work through problem areas.  I think this has been an issue elsewhere in my life…. Referring to my stubbornness etc… maybe it’s the east but I want everything yesterday.   

 Going hand in hand (or so I feel) is being too honest, ha ha.  Well, in relationships I always am very truthful, and I think it’s in the hope of moving things along faster.  I also have an argument against all of this which is that I just want failure to come fast to get it over with… that is way too depressing for me, and if it were true, and I recognized that….

 I have not had a true relationship in a min of a year.  I bring this up because while walking jazmine this evening I started asking myself am I ready to date?  I have not had anyone I cared for in a little over a year, and I am over here etc…. but I don’t feel there is a point. Why (this goes back t the self esteem issue) is I ask myself what I got to offer, and down the rabbit hole I go.   I am really beginning to think I am either my own worst enemy or in need of serious mental help.

 Today turned t head of the dark back alley leading to the back entrance of my building, and there is a guy either urinating or masturbating… following the old school logic of more than two shakes… he was totally masturbating.  I had to laugh, since he was two steps into the alley, I walk up, and pass and about 5 steps later I hear a car pull in behind e, it stops.  Few steps later I turn around… it was a cop.  Which I found comical, in that why does he care, really?  Which has always made me wonder about riding a bike drunk… you can be arrested which prior to my current circumstances I would have loved to fight in court.  These days I get 4 months for jay walking…. There is no need to tease the system.  Even if I won I would be on BA’s until the day I died… because everyone wants the money.

The weekend wrap up

6 December 2008

 

I went to go run errands this morning and as I exit my domicile I hear my next door neighbor chatting with the women up stairs, well not quite a chat when it’s a yell...

 

N1:  “Hey b*tch, what the f* are these shoes”

N2:  “I don’t know they are not mine” 

N1:  “What you just throw them on the ground?”

N2:  “What? Everyone just throws their sh*t down there!”

(N1 Picks up a shoe)

N2:  “If you throw that shoe at me I am calling the cops.”

N1:  “I am not going to throw it at you, I am picking up your crap b*tch.”

 Yes, this is my neighborhood I love it!  Combine it with the people asking to eat jasmines dog food as I walk with a bag of dog food, well its interesting.  Last night there was a guy sleeping in the sidewalk, a woman was taking picture saying “isn’t he adorable?” I love my neighborhood.

 Friday met with my case manager who is actually pretty cool.  It seems as though he will not be making my life a living hell.  Looking through my life he looks up and says “you didn’t get a lawyer?” I mention I had a public defender, why?  He responded with “You got screwed you got a ton of crap to do.”  Just what I wanted to hear right?

 Friday night I went to see a friends husbands band play, which was cool.  They played here in Denver so I rode over to see the show.  I did not drink, and on my way home I recognized how much I love living in the city.  It was great being able to ride at midnight through the city, and just locking a bike instead of fighting for parking.  Mind you Denver parking is a lot easier than Boston parking, but it was so peaceful riding through the city in darkness. 

 Today I had my first date since the night of my arrest, which was interesting.  A little background:  We started emailing via the net, like I meet all my women.  Everything was going great, and we started texting things went better, which got me concerned. I have learned in the past that this usually leads to disappointment when you meet, because you have such high expectations.

 We were meeting for coffee, I got there early, pretty rank from work… sounds terrible but I was excited but was not going overboard trying to make an impression.  I am not sure why this is, think mentally I was setting myself up to be disappointed (this will be added to the John needs a shrink file).  I was very pleasantly surprised, super cute, smart, funny… was caught off guard.  Not that I did not recognize she was smart, and funny previously, but was taken back by the full package. 

 We had coffee, and took the dogs to the park (she has a dog as well) Jazmine was just as happy as I was, I think Jazmine believes I date so she can have new dogs to play with after all this is Colorado everyone has a dog.  Afterwards I walked her to her car, and bid her a good evening.  I am actually very happy, it seemed almost too easy in that  there was no drama, I could pick up  on she was having a good time, and I am sure she could.  It was well I suppose how it is supposed to be?  

Colorado: more than Columbine, and Kobe Bryant

27 November 2008

 I made the big move yesterday and no internet until Saturday so there will likely be a lot to read once I get back online.  I thought this would a great chance to tell the story of how I ended up moving to Colorado.  This is actually turning into a long story, with two parts.

 

Part 1
During the winter of 2005 I used to go snowboarding nearly every weekend with a buddy of mine Jim, he and I met kayaking earlier in the ear, and once winter came, we switched to riding.  One day Jim calls me and says “we are going to big sky mountain in March”.  He begins to explain everything to me, Big Sky Mountain is near Bozeman, Montana, and has an elevation of 14000 ft?   This is also the mountain a fellow kayaker works during the winter.  Jim was going to go with his new girlfriend, they booked the trip, and come to find out she stunk snowboarding.  He then diplomatically pulled the plug on her going on the trip.  Using other reasons, such as it was too early in the relationship to spend two weeks together etc.

 He then calls me saying the ticket is bought, the housing is set, everything is done, and I am going regardless.  I protest saying I have no money, and basically he tells me to shut up, and I am going no matter what… this works. 

 Jim has a dog, with bad arthritis in its legs, so the plan is he will drive to Detroit leave the dog at his folks, fly to Denver where we will meet.  He leaves, and a few days later I fly to Denver, we met up, and our flight to Bozeman is cancelled, we then begin toying with driving to Montana, how far can it be?  I whip out the crackberry, and turns out to be a 14 hour drive, which we decide is not a good idea since its snowing, and we are clueless. 

 We can wait a day to catch a new flight or plan “B” which consists of flying from Denver to Boise, to Salt Lake City; to Bozeman… we chose plan “b”.  As we are flying from city to city I was looking out the window, and you could see these roads just going into the mountains, no cars, and as a cyclist well, they were a dream. 

 The snowboarding trip continued rocky since my baggage managed to get lost somewhere, between all the different cities.  I had packed my board with Jim's so luckily I had my board and boots.  We arrive to the condo after an hours drive, and crash for the night after a very long day.  The next morning we go searching the shops on the mountain looking for our friend, we actually found him very easily, and he was a champ and hooked us up with a huge discount on clothes which came in very handy.

 There were a couple of highlights, 2^nd run of the second day Jim fractures his shoulder right in front of me while dropping into a 20’ half pipe.  This led to a great conversation.

 Dr:  “How did this happen?”

Jim: “I was in the terrain park when…”

Dr. Interrupts

Dr:  “How old are you?”

Jim: “35”

Dr:  “You have NO business being in a terrain park!”

 The other highlights was the following day while he was stuck in a sling reading books (I felt bad for him) I went to the tip-top of the mountain somewhere around 14000 feet.  This was surreal since with no trees (above the tree line) there are no real trails to follow, also up here they get a foot of snow a night, so as I head down my board keeps sinking until I am chest deep in snow, and can’t move.  Growing up in MA where 2” is considered a powder day, it took some new techniques to ride through snow, but it was wild blasting down the mountain knee deep in snow.  Which I am now accustomed to here in CO, but coming from the land of ice boarding it was an amazing experience.

 There remainder of the trip went without any issue, and I returned home with the seed of heading west sown.  It would not be for another 2 years that the seed would begin to sprout. 

 

Part 2

A few years later (summer of 06) I was dating a girl, we had been together for a few months, and both of us were looking for new jobs.  I was under employed working part-time for UPS (this leads into another blog I need to write “Summer of the tour”) and was looking for something fulltime, and meaningful, she was looking for a change from the company she had been working for 3 years.  One knight we are talking discussing where we sent resumes etc, she mentions she sent one to a company in Boulder.  I respond with “CO?” She says indeed, so if she gets the job we might have to talk.  We talk a bit since I anted to come west at some point, and she having family with a place in Eagle, CO has been out a number of times.  We decide we should fly out, and see if we want to move out. 

 October 206 we flew out for week, and fell in love with CO.  We spent most of our time in Boulder and Louisville (where we moved to) and could not wait to head out.  We found our apartment, and started looking for jobs out here. 

 A funny side story is one day while out here; we were going to meet up with an old high school friend of hers who lives in Colorado Springs.  Since Denver is about the mid point for us we figured we would meet at the Denver Botanical Gardens.  We are driving to the gardens, and are driving down Colfax (yes my new home) and she says “my god, what a disgusting hole”   Throughout the day she mentions how much she dislikes Denver and how “ghetto” it is… I live 5 blocks from the botanical gardens, ha. 

 We decide February we will move, after the Xmas, and new years excitement, with a little downtime to tie up loose ends.  I then became the eBay/craigslist master and sold everything I could.  This was for a couple of reasons, first: money, but secondly I looked around and started thinking “do I really ant to drag this 2000 miles across the country?”  This was the begging of my simplifying my life, though I did not really know it. 

 We drove out here, Feb 10^th, and 35 hours, we were unpacking in our new apartment.  I drove all but 3 of those hours, and drank EVERY energy drink known to man!  Every 1.5 hours we would stop, top off the fuel, empty out the bladder, grab 3 more drinks, and go for another couple of hours.  All of my belonging fit in 5 - 16” x16” boxes a duffle bad, a bike case, and two other bikes strapped to the roof. 

 We go into Louisville that morning, and the first thing I did was use the toilet, one of the things I did NOT pack, was a plunger.  I ran to Target, bought one, and found the girl’s parents in the apartment (her mother and step father came up to help us unpack from Colorado Springs). I walk in with a new plunger in hand and they make a joke about how important it is to pack a plunger.  Her step father then says “Where is the bathroom I need to go”. The girl and I look at each other, laugh and then mention the plunger was new, the bathroom would be out of commission for a few minutes. 

My Hood

28 November 2008

 I have been joking with people saying I live in the ghetto, and according to 70% of the people I work with I shouldn’t walk outside alone after dark. I just took Jazmine for a walk and being a Friday night it was quite fun.  You go from a cute punk girl trying to pet Jazmine, to an old drunk who said he would watch my dog as I went into the store if I bought him a 24 oz PBR. 

 My neighborhood is strange, in that I live just off of East Colfax, which is lined with fast food, adult bookstores, liquors stores, every imaginable type of dive bar, and check cashing places.  As you go 200 feet down any of these side streets you enter into an area of large old homes, and random dingy apartment complex’s. 

 I live in a dingy apartment complex, but for 550 a month, it is wonderful.  I love being able to walk to the corner store where the owner yells at people on the street threatening to call the cops.  I also love the new commute; I gained 3 hours each day by moving closer to my job, never mind saving 300 a month.  I just wish I had done this prior to the DUI but what are you going to do right? 

 I also love the cycling, it’s not scenic, inspiring, or safe, but it definitely gets the blood pumping. I give myself a year until I either smarten up, or start riding safely, or until I am run over. Each day I catch myself doing something more stupid than he previous day.  Wednesday, this was beautiful, something straight out of “Quicksilver” I fly through a red light, bunny hop a curb ride across a sidewalk, for 500 yards and bunny hop back into full speed traffic. It was damn sexy, but afterwards I was curious why?  I am heading to Office Max, there is no rush, they close in 6 hours, I am 5 blocks away… why pull that completely awesome stunt risking death, for a new ink cartridge?  I think that could be filed into the “John’s inability to grow up” file. 

The Summer of the tour

29 November 2008

 The summer of 2006 I was working pat time at UPS loading big brown trucks in the morning.  The real inspiration for getting the job was for the health benefits, its Teamsters so the benefit package is bar none.  This turned out to be my favorite job ever; you would stand in front of a 4’ wide conveyer belt, grab packages and load 3 trucks from 4am to 9am.

 There is more of a science to the process, but this is the basic premise.  The routes I loaded were considered the worst; the turnover rate prior to me was multiple people a week.  There were a ton of packages, and they were heavy and awkward.  To give a quick example one truck delivered to a mall so everything that you find in Pier 1 is mailed UPS, all the pants for the Gap, came UPS… so you would get 50 huge boxes weighing 70 lbs, and have to figure out how will all this fit, while keeping everything organized to make the drivers job easier.  This is all happening as packages keep coming at 2 mph.

 

I loved the job simply because no one gave you crap (except the drivers from time to time, especially at Xmas when they come into a FULL truck) you loaded your trucks, listened to the IPod, and went home.  Since, all my managers loved me I got free shirts, hats, water bottles a cycling jersey which though basically free to the company gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling. 

 When July rolled around, this began a great month.  Everyday I would rush home, and watch the tour, and go for bike rides with Skippy (he was in town for a couple of months this summer).  Floyd Landis taught me the power of drinking Jack Daniels the night before a race, though my results varied.  It was by far one of the best summers I can remember, no worries just riding my bike, watching bike racing, and hanging out with the new girlfriend at night.

  I eventually got a job working in a cabinet shop which destroyed the remainder of the summer since after working the 5 hours I would drive to Blue Hills in Milton, get on my bike ride through Boston to near tufts, and work at a shop I HATED.  I would then do the return ride cutting through Dorchester, and back to the car, and drive home.  

This must be just like living in paradise

29/30 November 2008

 I awoke late Saturday morning and figured I would take the day off.  I was planning on working, but since I am at the mercy of people with keys to the shop, it was not worth going at 1030, since they were likely leaving at noon.  Instead I went to the new place to blow, and got that set up, which is much closer than the previous place. Riding through downtown was cool since there was no traffic, so one way signs etc did not have much bearing. 

 I was seriously thinking of giving Jazmine to Martin figuring city life would not suit her. She always loved to run in the dog park, and have open space.  Contrary to my thinking she loves it here, she wants to be walked 24/7 so she can check stuff out, people everywhere, dogs scents everywhere, and the game she like to play “Is that dog or human urine I am smelling?”

 I then went to this local 24 hour diner, and had a great breakfast, apparently come 3 am the place has a line around the corner, which I have to believe is true.  I know that after drinking all night, stopping there for a greasy burger would be like heaven.  The food was great, and being a block away, I have a funny feeling I will be eating there quite a bit. 

 Friday night/Saturday was the season’s first snowfall, maybe an inch, with nothing really on the roads, except north sides.  I figured I would go find the park because Jazmine loves to play in the snow.  As I walk towards the park, which is only 2 blocks away, I start scoping a place where I can let Jazmine run of leash and play in the snow.  I then notice 20 dogs doing just the same thing.  It is not a city dog park area, but everyone comes and let their dogs play here, so it was pretty sweet, Jazmine is loving life. 

 I knew prior to moving down to Denver that it would be a good change, but I really love the change.  Though the allure of alcohol is higher since it is everywhere around me, and well how else does one in their 30’s meet new people? 

 I started Sunday along the same lines heading to the park to let Jazmine get her exercise.  While I am there I start talking to a guy, who invites me out for bloody Mary’s with his friends.  A little background Cheesman Park which is the park I go to is considered the “gay” park, rumor has it a lot of homosexual activity goes on within its confines.  This fact pops through my head as he mentions going for drinks, but given I know NO ONE in Denver, I can not pas up an opportunity to get out. 

 I go downtown to blow, and they will not allow me to, why? I don’t have a picture ID, this has never been an issue before, after begging and pleading with the woman, we come to an agreement, but I am not allowed to blow. I then head out to meet with m new friend, and start thinking that I am going to show up no one will be there and I will be stuck watching football alone being stood up.  I figure this will not be a big boost to my low self esteem, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

  I show up, and get carded, no drinks for me.  He is there with 3 other friends one of whom is a very cute girl (which I totally have to ask about the next time I see him) and we play some pool.  We leave and head to another bar, which he claims has the best Bloody Mary’s in town, I get carded again, pull out the sob story, and get served.  We ended up hanging out for awhile and it was a great time. 

 The issue that always crept within my mind was, is this guy gay, or just very friendly?  There were times when I am sure he was straight and other times I wasn’t so sure.  Does this matter?  No, but we ended up making plans gain, and being that I have no social skills it felt very gay.  Let me explain though, I have terrible skills making plans with guys this is why 90% of my friends are women. Even to this day making plans with Skippy who I have known since I was 10 still feels odd, and sort of gay.  Saying “Hey want to hang out tonight?” to another guy just feels odd to me.  Like I said I have no social skills. 

 This is also why I have so few friends because I can talk to random people and get a conversation going, but once it comes to the point where phone numbers or making plans enters, I crash.  I can not cross that threshold so it never continues on, and this is true for both men and women.  If it’s with a guy, I think asking to hang out will come off as a come on.  With a girl I figure the same thing when a lot of time its not, I am not interested in her but she is cool.  In both scenarios I freeze, and nothing comes from the chance meeting.  I apparently missed the class in grade school where they taught social norms.

 This is clearly why 90% of my friends and girlfriends have come from the internet, a place where you do not have to face the issue of rejection in the same terms.  A place where you can hide a behind the screen, and where nothing is real.  Perfect example: there is a girl I met back in the spring we hung out a bit but nothing happened for a few reasons.  She lives here in Denver, I started emailing her again in the past few weeks, and everything is fine.  I do though put myself out a lot more than when we do see each other.  When we actually have hung out I am almost paralyzed with fear of saying the wrong thing, offending etc which is totally not my usual mindset.  I am sure there are other mental issues which go into that other than the safety of the emailing format.  I will delve into those once I have health insurance again, and can go to a proper shrink.