25 October 2009
For those of you late to the program start a few postings back, to have some sense of continuity.
I was walking the dog, and going through one of my routes which I do not conscientiously decide, but sort of follow (routine) and something perplexed me. I want to leave Denver because it feels like home. The routine of work, and the apartment and my life here scares the shit out of me. Though the routine of watching every episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is incredibly soothing. The aggravation of having to blow everyday was soothing, it was part of my routine. Now that I have to call in the morning to find out if I have to blow bothers me.. The days I do have to blow I feel out of sorts a bit, not because going to blow interferes with my life in the least, except I have to take a different route home. I should be happy for the saved money, and not having to deal with it everyday but that routine was comforting.
My father worked the same job for 30+ years lived in the same home for 37? years this frightens me! Though spending the routine of leaving the house at 420 am and taking the same exact route to work is soothing for me. When I get into work I have a little routine I go through, change, punch in blow my nose wash my hands, calculate my hours from the previous day, and subtract to figure out how many more hours I need to work, and figure out what time I want to punch out for that day, and then put certain things in certain places and start the day... this in some sense comforts me. Yet I want to move away with some unexplainable urge because the overall routine is frightening.
I can not understand this... I can recognize it, but not begin to understand.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The great pond phase, and others
25 October 2009
Here is a link to the aforementioned article that Skippy’s mom has mentioned 11 months ago. I have read it a few times usually getting bored, for feeling like a retard with his references to things I do not know. I just re-read it yet again, this time suffering through his script to find many instances where he and I parallel.
To this date I can still remember the square root of 18,562 is 136.24243098 repeating. I do not now why I learned this I had a strange fascination with the number. Or how I loved chemistry and math, but biology bored me to tears. I recently read that people with Aspergers are drawn to technology, and every day I am amazed by our computers, and phones.
I found it very interesting his love for classical music because I myself listened to it for a number of yours as another phase of mine but Dvorack’s 9th “From the new world” still nearly brings me to tears. I do not know how or why but I connect to that piece of music more than I do with members of my family. I can still remember going to see the Boston Philharmonic for the first time to see it played. I remember many details, Benjamin Zander was the Conductor I would almost put money given a seating chart I could find my seat, but of my date I remember she was blonde (we dated for about 4 months, I think she had a kid too).
I also got enthralled in literature for a spell mostly the writings of the beatniks, Bourroughs being my favorite, also his sons books “Speed and Kentucky Ham”. I would stay up all night reading and writing while drinking “Slush Puppies” from the gas station on the NW corner of Old Post Road and route 1. I would buy two at a time keeping one in the fridge. Remembering these things is easy for me I could describe my room even now with pinpoint precision, but I could not tell you what my sisters were doing or details of their lives of the time. Even today I would have a tough time telling you their age, though I am pretty sure I know their birth dates, my mom’s I do not know except it is near Christmas.
I have lived in Colorado for nearly 3 years and still do not have a single friend. They come and go, but even at 31 my phone has but 20 phone numbers in it, mostly places to order take out from, or family. I lived in MA for 28 years, and would say have but maybe 3 friends. I think this is why alcohol has always been an issue for it was the only time I felt some what like a belonged, but it was a narrow window I quickly passed into a state of being too drunk. My only true friends I can count on a single hand and still have room, and one of them is a dog.
To this day 9/11 still has no real effect on me. I remember the day, but it just sort of seemed like an “oh that sucks” scenario. I would have cracked jokes except I could understand that it was too early. I remember the day of the Challenger explosion which was on my birthday, and the first thing I uttered was “maybe they put a missile on it instead of a rocket”. Which makes no sense but I think it shows my inability to show compassion. For years when I would be forced to go to a wake when going up to say your respects I would simply think “better you than me” . Much like Tim Paige I feel like my memoirs would be entitled “Sorry Everyone” .
Since reading more about the infliction I still do not know what to do with the information, in terms of how to change. I just want to buy a T-shirt with a disclaimer explaining I have no sense of social cues or norms. I to this day freak out in grocery stores, because I do not know when I should say “excuse me” and when I have been rude etc. This is why I buy everything online (amongst other reasons). I am a creature of routine, if I am not out the door at 3:55 am to walk Jazmine on a work day I get tense and feel as though I should just call in sick because the day is ruined. I can work any hours I want no one cares if I am there at 430 or 1030, but I feel rushed and well unable to cope to some degree if I miss my little routine times I have in my head.
The more I read about the condition the more hopeless I actually end up feeling though it does help explain things to me, it makes me feel even more out of sync with the world around me. Mostly because it is in fact incurable, and the only real treatment is therapy to help you recognize your issues and to work on them. I wish there was a pill that would simply make me “normal” because i feel all too comfortable sitting inside watching the same shows over and over, or designing great pieces of furniture in my head that I will never build.
Here is a link to the aforementioned article that Skippy’s mom has mentioned 11 months ago. I have read it a few times usually getting bored, for feeling like a retard with his references to things I do not know. I just re-read it yet again, this time suffering through his script to find many instances where he and I parallel.
To this date I can still remember the square root of 18,562 is 136.24243098 repeating. I do not now why I learned this I had a strange fascination with the number. Or how I loved chemistry and math, but biology bored me to tears. I recently read that people with Aspergers are drawn to technology, and every day I am amazed by our computers, and phones.
I found it very interesting his love for classical music because I myself listened to it for a number of yours as another phase of mine but Dvorack’s 9th “From the new world” still nearly brings me to tears. I do not know how or why but I connect to that piece of music more than I do with members of my family. I can still remember going to see the Boston Philharmonic for the first time to see it played. I remember many details, Benjamin Zander was the Conductor I would almost put money given a seating chart I could find my seat, but of my date I remember she was blonde (we dated for about 4 months, I think she had a kid too).
I also got enthralled in literature for a spell mostly the writings of the beatniks, Bourroughs being my favorite, also his sons books “Speed and Kentucky Ham”. I would stay up all night reading and writing while drinking “Slush Puppies” from the gas station on the NW corner of Old Post Road and route 1. I would buy two at a time keeping one in the fridge. Remembering these things is easy for me I could describe my room even now with pinpoint precision, but I could not tell you what my sisters were doing or details of their lives of the time. Even today I would have a tough time telling you their age, though I am pretty sure I know their birth dates, my mom’s I do not know except it is near Christmas.
I have lived in Colorado for nearly 3 years and still do not have a single friend. They come and go, but even at 31 my phone has but 20 phone numbers in it, mostly places to order take out from, or family. I lived in MA for 28 years, and would say have but maybe 3 friends. I think this is why alcohol has always been an issue for it was the only time I felt some what like a belonged, but it was a narrow window I quickly passed into a state of being too drunk. My only true friends I can count on a single hand and still have room, and one of them is a dog.
To this day 9/11 still has no real effect on me. I remember the day, but it just sort of seemed like an “oh that sucks” scenario. I would have cracked jokes except I could understand that it was too early. I remember the day of the Challenger explosion which was on my birthday, and the first thing I uttered was “maybe they put a missile on it instead of a rocket”. Which makes no sense but I think it shows my inability to show compassion. For years when I would be forced to go to a wake when going up to say your respects I would simply think “better you than me” . Much like Tim Paige I feel like my memoirs would be entitled “Sorry Everyone” .
Since reading more about the infliction I still do not know what to do with the information, in terms of how to change. I just want to buy a T-shirt with a disclaimer explaining I have no sense of social cues or norms. I to this day freak out in grocery stores, because I do not know when I should say “excuse me” and when I have been rude etc. This is why I buy everything online (amongst other reasons). I am a creature of routine, if I am not out the door at 3:55 am to walk Jazmine on a work day I get tense and feel as though I should just call in sick because the day is ruined. I can work any hours I want no one cares if I am there at 430 or 1030, but I feel rushed and well unable to cope to some degree if I miss my little routine times I have in my head.
The more I read about the condition the more hopeless I actually end up feeling though it does help explain things to me, it makes me feel even more out of sync with the world around me. Mostly because it is in fact incurable, and the only real treatment is therapy to help you recognize your issues and to work on them. I wish there was a pill that would simply make me “normal” because i feel all too comfortable sitting inside watching the same shows over and over, or designing great pieces of furniture in my head that I will never build.
One year since my release
25 October 2009
Aspergers
It has been mentioned before, and I have dismissed the notion for a number of reasons (much like my ADHD) but I am coming to the conclusion I just might have Aspergers Syndrome. A few people had mentioned this possibility earlier, and I read information, and sort of discounted the notion. Over the past few weeks I have come across quite a few articles (randomly in the paper not looking it up) and have come to the conclusion it does explain a number of things.
I remember my sister Anne always commenting on my “phases” where I would get sucked into one subject matter and immerse myself in it, and move on to another subject and delve in with the same manner. I think anyone who knows me can think of a few of such instances without much difficulty.
I have always joked that I am socially retarded, but I really am. This is why at age 31 I have a handful of friends, and not one to whom I truly feel connected. Also explains why I have such difficulty cultivating new friends, which there are a number of things which run through my head when I meet people but I have difficulty really clicking.
The past few months in DUI therapy we have been talking about family and relationships. During class we would talk abut whatever and our assignment would be to do whatever stupid thing, but every week would would have to explain a relationship, and whats good about t etc, and all mine were with my dog, ha ha. So a few weeks ago the instructor finally starts calling me out saying I must have other relationships etc, which I do but none I either wish to discuss or that would come to mind, so she asks everyone in the class if they think this is true etc. All of whom, who I have had class with for the past 6 months said “I don’t know him well enough to comment”. I thought this funny since a basic guess would be that we have sent 50 hours together over the last months, and all anyone knew of me was I love to ride my bike, I am an alcoholic and I have a dog, but not her name.
Through the years I have had trouble sticking to a job, or a line of work for that matter which is a symptom of Aspergers. This has actually been getting better, but only since I started Ritalin which I think has just made my time at work move faster in a manner which has made it more enjoyable. Which again is a sign of the syndrome.
Moving
I am seriously considering moving again, I have a PO meeting later in the week, which I can get the info on when I can plan on having the ability to move out of the state. I am not sure if this could be filed under the Aspergers conversation but I just feel that Denver has lost its... excitement, its just “home”. I just feel sort of bored, and with nothing keeping me here (family, friends, work) I figure I should explore the country bit more. As of now I am looking at the following cities in this order
- NYC
- Seattle
- Philly
- Portland, OR
- Chicago
The other mentionable benefit would be that I do have a friend in NYC, and I would be close enough to my
family where I could visit if I were so inclined. I still do have a few friends I keep in touch with in MA whom I
could see which would be nice.
Community Service
I have begun working off some of my community service hours, for the “Toys for Tots” program. I am making
sets of “Lincoln Logs” to donate. Though the last few weeks have been tough to get time in on them due to illness, and trying to make up some of the missed time I am hoping to get my hours in and done within the next month.
could see which would be nice.
Community Service
I have begun working off some of my community service hours, for the “Toys for Tots” program. I am making
sets of “Lincoln Logs” to donate. Though the last few weeks have been tough to get time in on them due to illness, and trying to make up some of the missed time I am hoping to get my hours in and done within the next month.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I am still alive
17 October 2009
The Flu
Yes I am still alive, which is a matter of myself not writing in quite a while, and after getting over a week long bought of the flu. The last 4 days I have been sleeping 18+ hours, between naps and actual nightly sleep. The last couple of days I have finally been feeling like a human being once again.
Community Service
I started working on my community service for Toys for Tots, I am making lincoln logs the classic all American toy. I have been working my extra hours at work on them, well not this past week since I missed 4 days.
Probation
I have a meeting with my officer this Friday, which will be just about a year since getting out of jail, which logic and paperwork says I can be off monitoring, but my PO works on neither, but on money so I will still be in he same position as I am now.
Broads
There are none... yeah.
Jazmine
She is doing wonderful, she has been a champ this past week. I had no energy so a block walk to Walgreens twice a day for juice, and NyQuil was a struggle. She is the best pup ever.
The Flu
Yes I am still alive, which is a matter of myself not writing in quite a while, and after getting over a week long bought of the flu. The last 4 days I have been sleeping 18+ hours, between naps and actual nightly sleep. The last couple of days I have finally been feeling like a human being once again.
Community Service
I started working on my community service for Toys for Tots, I am making lincoln logs the classic all American toy. I have been working my extra hours at work on them, well not this past week since I missed 4 days.
Probation
I have a meeting with my officer this Friday, which will be just about a year since getting out of jail, which logic and paperwork says I can be off monitoring, but my PO works on neither, but on money so I will still be in he same position as I am now.
Broads
There are none... yeah.
Jazmine
She is doing wonderful, she has been a champ this past week. I had no energy so a block walk to Walgreens twice a day for juice, and NyQuil was a struggle. She is the best pup ever.
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