The end of the quasi-girlfriend

31 January 2009

The title sums it all up really, but here is the story. Last night we went to see the CSO, and had a great time, we awoke this morning, went to breakfast, and came back to her place. I sat on the couch trying to get Jazmine to settle down (she gets excited when I return).

Phoenix: "We got to talk"
Me: "This can't be good"
Phoenix: "No, it's not"
Me: "ok"
Phoenix: "You and I are both looking for love (pause) I just don't see it happening with you"
Me: (Pause) "ok"

I changed into my knickers, grabbed my bike, trailer and loaded everything up t leave as I was mounting the bike I hear "Don't I get a good bye?" I said "bye" and road home. This was the extent of everything, very anti-climatic. I do have a bunch more to write on the subject, but not really in a good mood. I do have about 50 gallons of irony which was a bi-product of this story, but that is for another day.

Not the least of which is I posted a blog about her earlier this week.  To be exact the blog just before this! Ha ha

The Quassi-girlfriend

26 January 2009

There have been a few questions about Phoenix, so I figure I will shed some light on the subject. Phoenix is 34, and works is a psychotherapist (leading to the diagnosis of my ADHD). She has been living in Colorado for 3 years, and has been married, but never had kids. She has a cute little black dog named Bessie who gets along very well with Jazmine, who does not listen to me, at all. In the slideshow you can see a few pictures of Phoenix in which she is sporting the "Wilson" look by not showing her whole face (I am actually the one who thought this would be a good idea).

I want to steal a cop car

26 January 2009

Today while suffering from intense hunger, I was walking to the local diner which I love. When I see a cruiser parked along the road. Being the hardened criminal I am, I wanted to steal the cruiser. This thought was based on the comedy factor , which would be amazing. I would love to steal it, and park it 3 blocks away, then sit where the car used to be parked and drink a beer.

Think of the Seinfeld episode where they can't find their car in the garage and the comedy which ensued. Imagine the face of the cop as they come out, and start thinking "where did I park?". Hmm is not like a black SUV which there are tons of and could get confused, its a cruiser. They look up and down the street for a white care with lights on top, at this point I would say "you are cold". As he walks towards me I would just say "getting colder". How much fun would this be? Then as they get closer to the cruiser start saying warmer, warmer. When they finally see the car, run like HELL!! After all, got to figure they would not be in a big rush to call HQ and ask for a ride back to the station because their car was stolen right? "There is a report of a stolen vehicle, a white Ford with "Denver Police" written on the side, it also has lights on the top come on it would ALMOST be worth the jail time... almost. If I could
video tape it, it would be worth the jail time for sure.

I am the scarecrow

16 January 2009

Off to see the wizard
Friday night was another wonderful night with Phoenix. I got reservations to a nice Indian restaurant, and had flowers waiting for her at the restaurant. We had a great meal, and then went to see the Colorado Symphony Orchestra perform. The performance was wonderful, they played to the movie The Wizard of Oz which was cool. It was nice to see the movie for the first time in years. The music was wonderful, and as usual the company could not be beat.

Afterwards we went out, and I had a few non-alcoholic beers which some argue is a stepping stone. I know many people who without their O’Douls would never have made it sober, and when out in a social atmosphere, non-alcoholic beers are very helpful. I have always taken on the mindset anything that keeps me from being drunk is without a doubt is a good thing.

I ended up spending 90% of the weekend with Phoenix which was awesome, and a touch scary (due to the awesome factor). Everything was great, we made dinner together, snowboarded together, and went to the park with the dogs It was scary in how “right” it felt, and (the real point) how well we got along. It has been a long time since I had a weekend like this, given how the last year has treated me happiness, and hope have been abstract concepts*.

* - I mention this a bit out of jest, in terms of relationships the year has been tough. I totally accept my fate due to my actions, I do not mean this to sound like my jail time was not a good thing, or not appropriate.

The curious thing
I find the brain completely fascinating, the millions of things it processes in a matter of seconds from controlling my fingers to type this message, to formulating this sentence. I find it wondrous in that with a given problem 5 people can come to find 5 different resolutions.

It started off as a joke (or so I thought) one day shortly after meeting Phoenix. We were walking to my apartment after dinner, and as we near my apartment:

Phoenix: “Can you drink caffeine right before going to bed?”
Me: “Yeah, I can have a Red Bull, and fall asleep 30 seconds later.”

She says “interesting“ or something along those lines.

Me: ”Why?“ With a slight giggle.
Phoenix: ”Its a symptom of people with ADHD.“

A short conversation ensues, and we continue the evening. Later that night after she leaves I google ADHD, and begin reading an article. After reading a paragraph I get distracted and forget about the conversation for a few days. Lately I have been reading up on the topic some more and it is very interesting, and explains quite a bit of my behavior. The most interesting thing which I just read mentions that adults will usually turn to drugs or alcohol to help cope. Unfortunately they did not go deeper into the explanation as to why, since its not something which I ever noticed prior to Phoenix mentioning it. Maybe this is why my blogs are 2 paragraph snippets, and not lengthy stories?

Keep in mind I am writing this wrapped in a towel, after getting out of the shower to get ready for work. I started getting ready for work a 440 am, and it is now 708... roughly 150 minutes, and I am still no closer to getting into work than I was, with little to show than this little tidbit. Which I think there is also the fact that I am not loving my job these days. Its not the people, its just 3 years out of the industry has turned me rusty, and it stinks slowly relearning the old tricks I used to know forwards, and backwards.


The greatest compliment
Tuesday morning I awoke with my head in a fog, I could not figure out anything, and was freaking me out. I was fretting over nothing/everything all at once, and worried about the outcome. I was chatting with Skippy online, and he was helping me out, sitting in as my shrink lately as he has, he has been very helpful. As we were talking I brought up how I can not follow a train of thought, which I have thought of as a new feature of my personality. Skippy knowing me since age 10, mentioned I have never had linear thinking which was reassuring to a degree.

As we continued to talk I interrupted my own story about my drinking issues, with random meaningless blather. I then got upset with myself for not being able to stay on task , when Skippy dropped the greatest compliment ever! He said ”you are just stream of consciousness, like your hero Kerouac“. After 30 years of living I received my high point, its time to bow and leave, ha ha.


Ink
Tuesday I also began the next leg of my tattoo, which consists of a rocky area at the base, and a stone wall behind my goblin guys. Its looking pretty good, though the picture its really tough to sort anything out since it is a ton of random lines. I go in Tuesday to start the shading process, which is going to take 4-6 hours. I have posted picture up on my Flickr for those interested. To do the outlining took 1.5 hours, and was rather uneventful.

Overall if has been a great experience and I am really excited about finishing it off. I do want to finish off the sleeve, but not sure what to bring down onto my forearm. We will see what happens, time will tell.

Before I got the goblins I had a whole idea for the background. As the artist was doing the goblins I mentioned what I wanted for the background, and he was all for it. The funny thing is I had vision of what I wanted was slightly different but in a good way, so as he is tossing on 6 stencils overlapping each other, and my arm is covered in carbon, he outline what he wants etc. It was not until after the outline, and he whipped down my arm that he says ”I was not onboard with this scheme but I really like it“. He never said anything prior, after all its not his body. After looking at the outline, and figuring the shading he is liking it. I love it already, there is a huge significance for me, trying to keep the goblins (alcohol addiction) away, which is going to be a lifelong struggle (or has been).


Another Planet
I hung out with Phoenix on Wednesday night, we went for another great dinner, and then to see the film ”Another Planet“ . Both were great, though true ”films“ always make me feel dim-witted. The movie was about children growing up in other parts of the world, and their lives, from the Congo where the child is trained as a freedom fighter, to scavenging for 10 hours through garbage to try to get enough plastic or metal to turn in for dinner that night. It was a very powerful film, though not a great choice for a date.

Dinner beforehand as always was wonderful, Denver has a ton of excellent restaurants, and its seems as though Phoenix and I have been hitting all of them. One of the best parts being the conversation, I am always in awe of her. She is extremely intelligent, which kind of makes me self conscience, but she does not talk down to me, and I do not feel uncomfortable asking her questions about stuff I do not know, which is great.

A year later, but same question
Today whilst riding home from my alcohol class, I nearly got hit twice. I almost rear ended an ambulance, no seriously! The irony would have been worth the pain and suffering. The other was me swinging past a turning car and the guy on the left not recognizing that he was driving a little over the yellow line. I came home to find the new copy of Urbanvelo magazine (www.urbanvelo.com). which they have an article on ghostbikes. Ghostbikes is an organization that chains white spray painted bikes around the city, saying a cyclist was killed at this location. After reading the article I started thinking, what if I we killed riding... oh, and check out their site www.ghostbikes.org its pretty powerful.

A year ago I was contemplating this subject with the idea of dropping dead in my apartment which would really still be my ultimate test of the scenario. One year later, how long until someone found my dead body if I were to drop dead in my apartment? Since no member of my family has called since before Christmas, something tells me they would not think anything of not hearing from me. My work would like call once or twice if I did not show up. This time around it would be a toss up between Phoenix and the cops. My case manager really does not care, so if I did not blow for a week, the notion would be he would call the cops. In reality he would not care and wait until I missed my next meeting, at which point he still would not be likely to call the cops. Now given how much I usually talk to Phoenix I would imagine she would think it odd I did not send her a text or call. If she would come check on me? I am guessing no, I am thinking she would likely think I had ”dumped“ her and was an ass for never calling, and just not answering her calls as a childish way to break up.

In theory I am in better shape than last year, ha ha. Really, the smell would not bother anyone in my neighborhood, so could be months when my case manager finally figured not blowing or showing up for meetings for a couple of months might be worth a call to the cops. I guess in reality I am in a worse situation, well my dead body should keep Jazmine alive for a while, ha ha.

The Unified internet theory
I propose that the internet comes together and redefines itself, and its terms. I think you should be able to create one single username, that will work for every website, and one single password. This I know would be wonderful for people who do the identity theft thing, but really I am getting sick of trying to recall my username for 15 different sites (though they are all very similar) or 15 different passwords since some require letters and numbers, or more than 8 characters etc. Is anyone with me on this?

More Random Stuff

7 January 2009

 

PO Meeting

I had my second meeting with my case manager today, and was utterly disappointed.  Keep in mind that it’s an hour + of travel time one way to go to the meeting.  The meeting took 13 minutes… 13 minutes! I then turn around and travel an hour and change back to Denver.  I show up fill out a sheet o paper, with the list of questions, have you had contact with the police etc.  After you fill that out, you are called in for your meeting.  I sit down thinking this is going to be an hour ordeal like the first meeting, but no.  He takes my money, asks if I have any questions I say “no” he then asks why I have missed so many BA’s.  This was what I would figure what would happen, the place I used to blow at in Longmont has been faxing him everyday saying I have not blown, I remind him I blow in Denver, he says “yeah that’s right” and throws out the stack of missed BA’s.  He then tells me to have a nice day and I am gone… this cost me $50.00 not including bus fare… What a deal!

 

The “New” tattoo

It is not so new anymore; I got it about a week ago.  It is a M.C. Escher, whose work I have always loved, and there are many of his works I would love to get tattooed on me, his work really strikes a chord with me.  This particular piece hit me in its relevance to my current situation, though it has been an issue my entire life.  I see the “goblins” as my addiction to alcohol, which has run from social drinking to dark days of heavy drinking and back again.  The upper most goblin symbolizes my current state of sobriety, and alcoholisms loss of control. I am having more added to it next week, which will be a stone wall behind them closing them off in a matter of speaking. 

The tattoo took about 2 ½ hours, and wasn’t bad at all, it has been awhile since I have gotten ink so I had forgotten how it felt. Phoenix did swing by for a few minutes for moral support on her way out to met friends which was nice.

 

The Waxing

In a drunken stupor a month and a half ago I setup an appointment to get a Brazilian wax.  The day of the appointment came, which was also the day of the check cashing fiasco, and I missed the appointment. I called, and apologized saying I would reschedule.  Over Christmas the thought crept back into my mind and I set up another appointment which was fine.  Come the day f the appointment I started freaking out, and well friends were not very supportive bringing up the infamous “40 year old virgin” scene. 

I headed down Monday for my appointment, and enter the office feeling, very out of place. I am the only dude in the waiting room, and everyone else is dressed in business clothing, I am dressed as a bike messenger.  I go into the room, and the woman asks if I have had it done before etc.  She tells me to strip waist down, lie down on the table and take the a little towel and cover myself, and she will be back in a few minutes.

Here I am half naked covered by a little towel, and really starting to regret this decision but it’s too late to turn back now.  A minute later she knocks and enters; now my heart is beating a little faster.  I am also a little worried since the woman performing the duty is not bad looking, and in a sensitive zone. She begins explaining the procedure etc, and then removes the towel, and moves my junk to one side, and tells me to hold it there.  This threw me off at first, but yeah, she spreads the wax, and YANK!  It was not nearly as bad as I would have thought.

The most painful section was from the waist line to the start of the genital area, which was not nearly as bad as I would have guessed.  Meanwhile she and I are having a perfectly normal conversation with a few “Take a deep breath” tossed in as she hit sensitive areas.  She then has me flip over, and waxes my ass.  It was actually pretty awesome overall, the pain was not bad, and the finished product was well worth any inconvenience.

New Year, new beginings

6 January 2009           

 After much procrastinating, and general indecision I decided to get a new computer, my current laptop has a broken screen, and generally is a mess.  I ended up ordering a mini Mac, which I am excited about, though earning the new format will e interesting, 20+ years of sing a pc is going to be tough to forget.  In true John fashion, it could not end there, so I bought a new IPod to go with the computer, I figure it will come in handy at work, and the gym.

 

NYE

I was excited about New Years Eve, and for once the evening lived up to my expectations.  Phoenix came by my place, and after taking the dogs to the park, I gave her some flowers and a card.  We went to dinner at a sweet place downtown.  The food, ambiance, and (as always) conversation was amazing.  After diner we went to her place, made a fire, and hung out talking.  I had made a flourless chocolate cake for the occasion, and surprised her with my baking skills later that night. 

 It was a great night I ended up spending the night, and we both finally gave in to our animal desires.  Without going into detail, I was worried that this facet we might not match up very well, but I was pleasantly surprised that we match up perfectly here, which was a relief.

 

Time Cop
Phoenix had made plans to hang out with a couple of her friends Saturday night.  The 4 of us went to see the terrible JCVD movie Time cop.  We went to a cinnepub, which was fun since would could eat, and drink during the movie.  Also, they have two guys in the back of the theatre who make fun of the movie; it was a lot of fun.  Afterwards we went to a bar near my place, which I was totally disappointed not nearly as seedy as I had hoped.  We sat around talking when come to find out, Phoenix’s friends were reading my blog, which only caught me off guard when her fried pulled an exact quote out from one of the blogs, and it was pretty funny. 

 

The Move

When I decided to move to Denver my friend Martin said he would give me a hand.  This is the worst favor you can ask of a friend, for help moving.  I was dreading moving my own crap, move someone else’s on a day off? F-That!  The days leading up to the move I sold a ton of stuff on CL and eBay to lighten the load.  I also brought everything I could handle myself down to my garage.

It turned out to be the easiest move ever, the beauty of not having a lot of crap really shined.  If we had pushed it we could have fit everything in the back of a pick up truck, but since Martin has a trailer we put a couple of things on there. Total time to pack his truck, drive to Denver, and unload the truck was under 3 hours, which was outstanding.  I posted a few pictures to flicker of the move.

We had to carry 4 things down from the 3rd floor of my old apartment. Mattress and boxspring which we threw from the balcony (that was fun), and then moved to the dumpster.  The fridge of kegorator fame, this I wanted to throw off the balcony, but logic prevailed, and we lugged in to the dumpster.  Lastly my couch... all in all it was an easy third floor move.

 

The sickness

Sunday I started feeling sick, and while walking Jazmine Saturday I noticed one of her ears was inflamed.  Monday morning rolls around, and I felt terrible, I called in and took Jaz to the vet.  Jazmine had a piece of straw (grass) in her ear which caused al sorts of gunk, and a yeast infection of the ear. The vet took her for the half day, and now she is feeling better, but is on 2types of medication for the next week.

I am still feeling terrible, with the flu.  I seem to get sick once every year or every other year that knock me on my ass for 3-5 days, and this seems to be the one.  Phoenix was nice enough to stop by with soup, tea, medicine and cookies for me today.  This is when it really hit me, how lucky I am to have her in my life.  Seriously, of the 10ish girls I have “dated” since living in Colorado (Not counting Phoenix) aside from being wiling to watch my dog none of them would lift a finger to help me out.  Which is a testament to how awesome Jazmine is, not really has anything to do with helping me. 

 

Next season

I have been toying with trying to race again, I figure with the riding I do to get around seems like god base miles to get started in training.  Also since those miles are single speed miles these are the best for building muscle, so why not?  As of right now I am giving myself until next week to decide, but am not thinking a comeback is in my future.  I know it would be great for keeping me sober, training is a part time job, I was riding 15-25 hours a week back in the day to train and I stunk.  Obviously once you take into account the time needed to maintain a proper diet, proper sleep, stretching etc, on top of that 15 hours… there is not much time in the week for drinking or much else.

I remember training back in MA, hours on end on the bike, which I enjoyed.  Then traveling hours in a car to go to a race, jockeying for position etc, it was fun.  I also remember it was rather depressing never once did any member of my family seem to care, never asked how I did, or anything.  Skippy and his family paid more attention, and showed more interest than anyone I in my family.