Elevator etiquette

16 February 2009

As most know on a daily basis I have to go blow into a little machine
that says i have no alcohol in my system. A side from the time, and
money involved with this act there is another issue at hand. The
office is on the second floor and is run much like the DMV, sometimes
they don't let the line move at all. To get to the office you have to
take an elevator, the stairwell is locked.

Here is where my issue begins, I understand this office is not of the
upstanding citizens like yourselves, its for the degenerates of the
world, like me. i find though that common decency, and etiquette are
nonexistent. I am awkward in almost every situation so who I to judge
right? If I knew anything about how people interact and function in
society I might have something better to do at 5 am than write a blog.

This is how I have always treating the use of an elevator which I
could be mistaken.
1. Press button
2. Wait
3. When elevator arrives wait for doors to open.
4. Wait until people in the elevator car exit
5. Press button for desired floor
6. Wait

I think that is a pretty decent explanation of how one uses it, aside
from the maybe press the button for
someone in the car who is unable to reach etc. Here is how this
elevator works
1. Be sure to listen to your Ipod at full volume, but the headset on
your shoulder and a minimum of 6" from your ears in order to be sure
everyone else can listen to the new Jay-z song. (Talking on a cell
phone it a higher volume than necessary can be substituted)
2. Press button
3. Wait
4. When elevator arrives wait for doors to open.
5. The moment the doors begin to open start cramming yourselves into
the car immediately as though you were members of Barnum and Bailey
attempting to break the Guinness world record of loading a car.
6. Be peeved when the doors are unable to close since all the people
previously using the elevator are trying to exit the car pushing their
way to the doors.
7. Do not hit the button no matter how close you are to the panel,
because someone else will do it.

This is not an isolated instance this is how this elevator works, the
other elevator leading to the rest of the floors of the building run
in a manner keeping with my first example. This has been my
experiences for the past 3 months of coming to this office, but I have
a theory, and it is a great one.

I believe that the specific gravity around this elevator is 2 bars
less than the surrounding area making people disregard logic, common
decency, or manners making them snap into separate and distinct
different personalities which causes them to act like a 5 year old
charging a toy store. I have no proof of this theory yet, but given
government funding I believe I can prove this theory once and for all.