A beer just to forget, its my life

1 February 2009

I believe that it was Freud who believed that when things go bad in one aspect of your life you delve into another part to make up for the shortcoming.. Being that if your family/personal life sucks you put your effort into your work life. Historically this has been the case with myself, and I doubt that will change. I have been enjoying work the past couple of weeks, and seems like this is will be my way to grip.

I have been toying with making a coffee table, and now that I have no real reason to make one seems like a great idea. Also, though being single is a downer, it is much cheaper than dating. The money I have spent over the years on dating, I know prostitution would have been much cheaper per lay than the actual pursuit of "happiness".

The relapse
Also, Frankel is where I learned of the concept of "Sunday neurosis" and I truly believe this is the aspect of my alcoholism needing the most attention. A very short explanation is idle hands do the devils work. Meaning boredom is a cause of alcoholism and drug usage. I know for myself having nothing to do, leads to my drinking.

Tuesday I left work feeling good, went home at 330 after a 9 hours of work. As I was leaving the shop there were a few co workers having a beer, I went and blew and getting home realized it was a great day. Weather was wonderful, great day at work, and I get the concept I am "normal" came into my head... So, I bought a few beers, and a few more....

The next morning feeling hungover, and well... like a piece of crap, I admitted this to Phoenix. WHich led to a discussion is this why she dumped me? I really don't care, not the point of the story. I felt like shit for letting myself down, and for taking a step back in my life. Monday was a SHITTY day, lots of bad news... bad day at work, that did not trigger me to drink. I find it disturbing happiness, and the sense of normalcy is a trigger for me to drink.

Thursday I had my "drunk class" which though 2 hours in length only last 15 minutes... I told you they only want the money. The instructor never teaches but as we were talking the subject of relapse came up, which given the circumstances seemed interesting. Her words were "relapse will happen" basic idea is we were all forced to quit drinking against our own desire. BA's UA's etc work to monitor but without a desire to quit we will play the system, and win or lose.

I have thought since my day of sentencing that forced sobriety was ridiculous... the system can be manipulated. A persons desire to give up their vices has to be a conscience decision, not placed upon them. Maybe this is the rationalization for the PBR in my hand? quite possibly. At this point I am looking for happiness, of some sort, and being sober did not work out. for me...

I know sobriety is my only way out, but tis the weekend...

Getting over the quasi-girlfriend
I rode home Saturday and picked up some beer, and drank all weekend. Included were sporadic naps, feelings of depression, and the even more depressing examination of my life. I found this interesting on a few levels one, alcohol doesn't do it for me anymore. Even combined with great drunken punk music, I just wound up feeling more empty.

As Sunday afternoon was coming to a close, I finally gave up on feeling sorry for myself, and accepted that is was done. A little later i got an email from Phoenix which did not shed any light on the matter, basically she likes me a lot but doesn't see herself loving me. This little opening popped into my head as a chance to try to work myself back in, but I figured why bother.

I have learned I am a catch, and like myself chicks are easily replaced. I also learned that being hungover sucks, how did I manage to live with this feeling for so long? I am not even badly hungover, damn I do not miss hang overs. I also realized I am screwed up but we all are, and maybe I am just too conscience of my own issues. I am not going to be president, a CEO or someone important, but I am here, so I might as well enjoy my little piece of time.