Thoughts...

4 February 2009

• While Friday night (I am not meaning specifically friday I mean in general) Phoenix was thinking that she was not falling in love with me, I was thinking how much I was falling in love with her. Saturday as she was saying she couldn't love me thoughts of happily ever after were being built and, and destroyed in my head.
  

Though the notion of friends is wonderful, it rarely works out in am real manner. I am friends with a lot of ex's but really they are like distant cousins we talk every couple of months hang out once a year, and that is about all. 

• It just seemed with Phoenix my life was full, I had stuff to do most nights of the week, and things to look forward to doing. Work was a filler between seeing her, and doing things. Now work is a reason to wake up each morning, because aside from blowing I got nothing going on. I know this is my own fault/issue one which I had worked through and filled prior to meeting Phoenix, and as we saw each other more I started pushing things out (nothing important) to make room for her. Look at my blog stats I average 15 a month prior to having sex with Phoenix it then dropped to 6 afterwards.
  

I guess one of things that gets me too is I had doubts from time to time. Phoenix would smoke mostly while drinking  and never truly was an issue. First it started just the smell, and then progressed into me being worried about her health, because i was thinking of happily ever after. Also, though it seemed like she always enjoyed our time together, it never really seemed as though she understood me, more just as though she was putting up with my antics.

• It also really hit me this weekend the lack of resources I have in my life. Phoenix had made a comment after my relapse that I should find a mentor to be able to call if I had the desire to drink to talk to about it etc. Coming home Saturday, and feeling depressed I realized that I have no one to help. Skippy is the closest thing, and he is 9 hours away and 3000 miles. I also recognized this is all my own doing I have purposely always kept people at a distance, it has all been part of my philosophy since I was 15.
  

When I first decided to move to Denver I was talking to Martin and I remember it clear as day I said I just want to get a cheap shit-hole off Colfax. I wanted to live like Charlie Kelly (Its always Sunny in  Philadelphia) just get drunk all the time and slip through life, and die. This was my plan, and the arrest put a damper on that plan.  The crappy recession also made it so I had to keep my real job (cabinet making) and not be able to get a meaningless job where I could hide my existance.

• Hmmm I really need to get a therapist, ha ha. On the flip side my spelling is improving, as well as my typing, as for grammar I am hopeless.