Today is the greatest day I have ever known (Smashing Pumpkins)

14 December 2008     

The week is upon us all once again, which is always a shame.  This past weekend was one of the best in recent memory, considering I worked half of my Saturday away that is quite a concept. 

Friday night I somehow came across this Denver based hardcore band online which I figured it would be fun to see, and they just happened to be playing Saturday night.  After some hesitation, and some help finding out where the venue is, I decided to go to the show.  I made my way downtown to se the show. When I get there the place is pretty empty, and the show is supposed to start in 30 mins.  The bar was a dive which is my favorite type of bar.  It was the type of place where you felt like you could be stabbed at any moment, I loved it.

After 30-45 mins I decide there is no show, and start to get up to leave when the bartender asks if I was there for the show.  We talk a bit, and apparently the show is at 10, not 9 like I had seen online.  The bar is tiny, so I ask where they play, apparently they move some tables out of the way… I like this place even more.

945 comes, and the place fills, up, they move some tables drop some drums and off we go. I learned a few things: one moshing in mtn bike shoes = slippery = fall down.  I bruised both my elbows, and my but, from falling down due to no traction.  Secondly, I learned unless it is attached to me, I will lose it.  I lost my gloves, and in leaving I unlocked my bike, and put the lock back onto the sign and rode away.  This is a theory as of right now, my lock is missing and this is my best guess to its whereabouts.  I am going to ride by on my way home from work, and see if I really am that absentminded.  I have caught myself doing this before so I think this may be the case.  Otherwise I need to buy a new $50 lock. I rode home through a very pleasant snow storm, it was nice.

Sunday, which I had been looking forward to for a few days started off poorly.  I was no longer excited, I was not feeling social, I wanted to be alone.  These feelings disappeared the moment ”Phoenix” came to pick me up. My friend Lisa and I decided earlier in the week to have brunch, we were going to the week prior but she cancelled.  She came down with her husband, and I took “Phoenix”. I was pretty nervous about the whole thing, this seemed a little too grown up, and mature. I mean brunch with friends?  That is something I have never tried to initiate in my life.  We got there, and Lisa was no where to be found, or heard from, this got me a little nervous.  After a few nervous minutes of thinking how to handle getting stood up by friends in front of my date, I receive a text from Lisa.  She was running late, this was good news. 

Lisa showed up, and we were off and running, it was actually an amazing experiance.  “Phoenix” fit right in, and we al ended up talking eating, and being merry for 4 hours until we noticed the place was almost empty.  They cleaned everything up, and that we should really get going.  That in itself would have left me thinking life is good.  My original plans were to go to the art museum afterwards, as we were leaving brunch, we decided that going to my place to lounge and watch TV was a better idea. 

We get to my place, watch some “Its Always Sunny” and talked…a lot.  We also fooled around a bit, which is always good.  At one point we stopped and had the “talk” those of you who have heard my stories from the past year know that as with life in general I need instant gratification.  I have very little self control, and when it comes to the realm of physical contact… even less.  I had been talking to Skippy earlier discussing this matter, and was decided I wanted to take things slow this time around. When we were in the heat of the moment that notion kind of took a step back.  She and I ended up talking and decided that moving slow was what we both wanted.  I was very relieved to of had the conversation, and to be in agreement.

We talked for the remainder of the afternoon, and it was wonderful.  The flowers were a big hit, and I actually learned a lot about her.  I found the afternoon difficult in some sense because of how much joy it was bringing me.  I have little self esteem, and have recently just felt like I didn’t deserve, or was supposed to be happy.  As an effect I would always think in the back of my mind this won’t work as a defensive mechanism.  Sitting on the couch, being content and having the feeling life is good freaked me out for two reasons.  One, being happy with a girl, which it has been awhile since I really had that feeling, or felt it had a purpose beyond coatis.  Secondly, just that life is good, though I have a ton of crap going on and obviously some issues to address that things might end up being alright.

I know that sounds stupid, but not 2 months ago I was thinking of getting my sentence reconsidered and just serving a year straight to get it over with.  My stint in jail was short, and really easy, I still need to tell the stories of my time there, but its amazing what it does to ones mindset.  Which anyone who ever read about the Stanford Prison Experiment would know, we all read it thinking oh I wouldn’t do that etc, I would be different.  When you are in those shoes things are different.  I think to a large extent as well, though I am happy go lucky and don’t get worked up, mentally I am not strong enough to handle that environment.  While there I had no issues, but it definitely had effects far beyond the general notion of you can’t go outside. 

While in jail I actually read a book about the SPE, I had known about it previously but the book was written by the professor in charge of the experiment.  He also went on to discuss the prison violence which plagued the news a few years back about the treatment of inmates in Abu Ghraib.  My time was nothing like the instances of either example but it did destroy what little self confidence I had upon entering.   

In boot camp, they tear you down, and build you back up.  Anyone who new me when I returned from basic know that I had definitely changed over those 9 weeks, and a huge change for the better.  Jail reminded me of the same experience, the issue is you don’t get built back up. For many of the people I met inside jail it was a way of life being in and out since they were 18. Their confidence was based on being a bad ass, they more time they served the more they felt superior. For me it tore down what little confidence I had in myself.

Returning to the point, I still have a smile 12 hours after she went home.  I am slowly beginning to recognize that everything might just end up being alright…