Thoughts...

4 February 2009

• While Friday night (I am not meaning specifically friday I mean in general) Phoenix was thinking that she was not falling in love with me, I was thinking how much I was falling in love with her. Saturday as she was saying she couldn't love me thoughts of happily ever after were being built and, and destroyed in my head.
  

Though the notion of friends is wonderful, it rarely works out in am real manner. I am friends with a lot of ex's but really they are like distant cousins we talk every couple of months hang out once a year, and that is about all. 

• It just seemed with Phoenix my life was full, I had stuff to do most nights of the week, and things to look forward to doing. Work was a filler between seeing her, and doing things. Now work is a reason to wake up each morning, because aside from blowing I got nothing going on. I know this is my own fault/issue one which I had worked through and filled prior to meeting Phoenix, and as we saw each other more I started pushing things out (nothing important) to make room for her. Look at my blog stats I average 15 a month prior to having sex with Phoenix it then dropped to 6 afterwards.
  

I guess one of things that gets me too is I had doubts from time to time. Phoenix would smoke mostly while drinking  and never truly was an issue. First it started just the smell, and then progressed into me being worried about her health, because i was thinking of happily ever after. Also, though it seemed like she always enjoyed our time together, it never really seemed as though she understood me, more just as though she was putting up with my antics.

• It also really hit me this weekend the lack of resources I have in my life. Phoenix had made a comment after my relapse that I should find a mentor to be able to call if I had the desire to drink to talk to about it etc. Coming home Saturday, and feeling depressed I realized that I have no one to help. Skippy is the closest thing, and he is 9 hours away and 3000 miles. I also recognized this is all my own doing I have purposely always kept people at a distance, it has all been part of my philosophy since I was 15.
  

When I first decided to move to Denver I was talking to Martin and I remember it clear as day I said I just want to get a cheap shit-hole off Colfax. I wanted to live like Charlie Kelly (Its always Sunny in  Philadelphia) just get drunk all the time and slip through life, and die. This was my plan, and the arrest put a damper on that plan.  The crappy recession also made it so I had to keep my real job (cabinet making) and not be able to get a meaningless job where I could hide my existance.

• Hmmm I really need to get a therapist, ha ha. On the flip side my spelling is improving, as well as my typing, as for grammar I am hopeless.
  

Lost

3 February 2009

I left work today after putting in my 8, and peed in a cup, and came home. I got home 315ish, and then could not figure out why I wanted to leave work. Its not that I enjoy my job so much as to not want to leave, its just have no real reason to leave. I came home saw Jazmine, got to check my email, and look at some questionable web sites, but none of it is a reason.

Before work was a break between drunks, until the weekend came, and a long drunk would take place. Monday was to keep me alive or else my body would die from too much alcohol and no food. Then more recently I would see Phoenix, and never consider drinking. The nights we did not see each other were times to catch up on the things I was too busy to do, dishes, laundry (ha) and just good old fashion relaxation.

Here I have been home for 90 minutes and I am bored, I have eaten (for the first time in 48 hours), went through my email, payed my rent (3 days late.... I forgot) and now am just waiting for bed. I should go to the gym, but now that I am home, can't find the energy, but really what else do I have to do? I mean I am going to start to chafe before I know it, and then what!

Obviously I need a hobby which the first obvious choice would be scoping for broads online, which though I have done I am just going through the motions, I really don't care. Then furniture making, which I am ordering wood this week to make some end tables and a coffee table, but being a simple guy thats all the furniture I need, and its need is questionable. Cycling? Gets too dark to early to get in a good ride, so I could ride in the morning and worker later in the day, but my motivation dwindles once the shop empties. Plus, after I got the "talk" a couple of weeks ago my boss would just think I am slacking again. THe choice is clear... drugs, ha ha.

I should clearly be cleaning out the fridge, or doing my dishes but why? This then brings me back to drinking... and thus why I am an alcoholic, everything has an excuse except drinking. Drinking is social (just not for me) helps pass the time, and makes talking to women easier, and more interesting, make perfect sense right?

Finances
Today I started my new budgeting notion, I took out 120 bucks in cash with the notion that I have to make it last until next week for all my food, recreation etc. The one caveat is that all my UA's etc come out of my savings since today was 50 bucks to blow, drug test, and UA for alcohol use. This will be a 100 dollar week for those guys, good for them.

Adjustment of the questions phrasing

3 February 2009

So, I now have two questions the new one is it healthy to be friends with an ex.  My thinking is won't there always be that hope on one side that you might get back together, or if nothing else maybe some benefits? ;)

I ask since for a long time I was friends with most of my ex's, jail kind of took care of that funny how everyone scatters, I was not convicted of murder people!  I spent time drinking with most of them, they clearly must have seen I had a problem.  People I owned a kegorator and never had people over, its not brain surgery here.  I digress....

I used to have a thing called the "tribunal" it was 2 ex's and a good friend who I would consult with my women questions etc.  Everyone thought it was very unhealthy that I was still in contact with just those 2 of my ex's never mind the rest.  out of my 37 friends on Facebook, I have dated or slept with 7... nearly 20% is that normal? and I still talk to all of them on a somewhat regular basis, is this healthy or normal?

The question of the day

2 February 2009

I posted a poll, which you will find to your left. In the past I have stayed in contact with quite a few of my ex's, which some consider unhealthy, others just find it odd.  There are a number of people who regularly read this blog who at one point have been in my bed.  My question is have I just watched too many episodes of Seinfeld?  Is the ideal of still being friends with an ex not realistic? 

There is no Dana only Zuel

1 February 2009

I just opened my fridge, and the smell almost got me to heave like George Bush at an Embassy function.  I figured a picture was needed, though I wish I could do a scratch and sniff for this picture.  

The salad I made the last time Phoenix came over for dinner, not sure when that was maybe a week ago?

That Milk, says "sell by Jan 17"

There is a block of cheese which is nearing a month or so old.  

There is a tub of mashed potatoes from the first time I made Phoenix dinner... the 23rd of December.  

I am clueless when i bought those apples, but they have seen better days.  

There is some old take out which was from Tuesday january 20th if memory serves.  

To vomit or not to vomit

1 February 2009

This is the choice I am trying to decide.  How is it I forget this feeling every time I think of drinking?  This is worse than all the other possible ramifications for drinking.  

I also know from past times that the next time I have to use the toilet its not going to be pretty.  I remember sobering up in jail, and after 4-5 days I had my first solid bowel movement in a year, I had nearly forgot that they are supposed to be solid.  

I ended up vomiting, and it actually had a sweet after taste, weird.  Later I was walking Jazmine and as she squats to poop, I catch a wif, and nearly lost it.  How funny would that have been? It was right at a traffic light, so here you are driving to work, and there are not many people on the streets, and you come to a red light.  You look off to the side to see a dog pooping, while the owner is hunched over throwing that tasty Whopper all over the sidewalk.  It would have been awesome!

A beer just to forget, its my life

1 February 2009

I believe that it was Freud who believed that when things go bad in one aspect of your life you delve into another part to make up for the shortcoming.. Being that if your family/personal life sucks you put your effort into your work life. Historically this has been the case with myself, and I doubt that will change. I have been enjoying work the past couple of weeks, and seems like this is will be my way to grip.

I have been toying with making a coffee table, and now that I have no real reason to make one seems like a great idea. Also, though being single is a downer, it is much cheaper than dating. The money I have spent over the years on dating, I know prostitution would have been much cheaper per lay than the actual pursuit of "happiness".

The relapse
Also, Frankel is where I learned of the concept of "Sunday neurosis" and I truly believe this is the aspect of my alcoholism needing the most attention. A very short explanation is idle hands do the devils work. Meaning boredom is a cause of alcoholism and drug usage. I know for myself having nothing to do, leads to my drinking.

Tuesday I left work feeling good, went home at 330 after a 9 hours of work. As I was leaving the shop there were a few co workers having a beer, I went and blew and getting home realized it was a great day. Weather was wonderful, great day at work, and I get the concept I am "normal" came into my head... So, I bought a few beers, and a few more....

The next morning feeling hungover, and well... like a piece of crap, I admitted this to Phoenix. WHich led to a discussion is this why she dumped me? I really don't care, not the point of the story. I felt like shit for letting myself down, and for taking a step back in my life. Monday was a SHITTY day, lots of bad news... bad day at work, that did not trigger me to drink. I find it disturbing happiness, and the sense of normalcy is a trigger for me to drink.

Thursday I had my "drunk class" which though 2 hours in length only last 15 minutes... I told you they only want the money. The instructor never teaches but as we were talking the subject of relapse came up, which given the circumstances seemed interesting. Her words were "relapse will happen" basic idea is we were all forced to quit drinking against our own desire. BA's UA's etc work to monitor but without a desire to quit we will play the system, and win or lose.

I have thought since my day of sentencing that forced sobriety was ridiculous... the system can be manipulated. A persons desire to give up their vices has to be a conscience decision, not placed upon them. Maybe this is the rationalization for the PBR in my hand? quite possibly. At this point I am looking for happiness, of some sort, and being sober did not work out. for me...

I know sobriety is my only way out, but tis the weekend...

Getting over the quasi-girlfriend
I rode home Saturday and picked up some beer, and drank all weekend. Included were sporadic naps, feelings of depression, and the even more depressing examination of my life. I found this interesting on a few levels one, alcohol doesn't do it for me anymore. Even combined with great drunken punk music, I just wound up feeling more empty.

As Sunday afternoon was coming to a close, I finally gave up on feeling sorry for myself, and accepted that is was done. A little later i got an email from Phoenix which did not shed any light on the matter, basically she likes me a lot but doesn't see herself loving me. This little opening popped into my head as a chance to try to work myself back in, but I figured why bother.

I have learned I am a catch, and like myself chicks are easily replaced. I also learned that being hungover sucks, how did I manage to live with this feeling for so long? I am not even badly hungover, damn I do not miss hang overs. I also realized I am screwed up but we all are, and maybe I am just too conscience of my own issues. I am not going to be president, a CEO or someone important, but I am here, so I might as well enjoy my little piece of time.