I am the scarecrow

16 January 2009

Off to see the wizard
Friday night was another wonderful night with Phoenix. I got reservations to a nice Indian restaurant, and had flowers waiting for her at the restaurant. We had a great meal, and then went to see the Colorado Symphony Orchestra perform. The performance was wonderful, they played to the movie The Wizard of Oz which was cool. It was nice to see the movie for the first time in years. The music was wonderful, and as usual the company could not be beat.

Afterwards we went out, and I had a few non-alcoholic beers which some argue is a stepping stone. I know many people who without their O’Douls would never have made it sober, and when out in a social atmosphere, non-alcoholic beers are very helpful. I have always taken on the mindset anything that keeps me from being drunk is without a doubt is a good thing.

I ended up spending 90% of the weekend with Phoenix which was awesome, and a touch scary (due to the awesome factor). Everything was great, we made dinner together, snowboarded together, and went to the park with the dogs It was scary in how “right” it felt, and (the real point) how well we got along. It has been a long time since I had a weekend like this, given how the last year has treated me happiness, and hope have been abstract concepts*.

* - I mention this a bit out of jest, in terms of relationships the year has been tough. I totally accept my fate due to my actions, I do not mean this to sound like my jail time was not a good thing, or not appropriate.

The curious thing
I find the brain completely fascinating, the millions of things it processes in a matter of seconds from controlling my fingers to type this message, to formulating this sentence. I find it wondrous in that with a given problem 5 people can come to find 5 different resolutions.

It started off as a joke (or so I thought) one day shortly after meeting Phoenix. We were walking to my apartment after dinner, and as we near my apartment:

Phoenix: “Can you drink caffeine right before going to bed?”
Me: “Yeah, I can have a Red Bull, and fall asleep 30 seconds later.”

She says “interesting“ or something along those lines.

Me: ”Why?“ With a slight giggle.
Phoenix: ”Its a symptom of people with ADHD.“

A short conversation ensues, and we continue the evening. Later that night after she leaves I google ADHD, and begin reading an article. After reading a paragraph I get distracted and forget about the conversation for a few days. Lately I have been reading up on the topic some more and it is very interesting, and explains quite a bit of my behavior. The most interesting thing which I just read mentions that adults will usually turn to drugs or alcohol to help cope. Unfortunately they did not go deeper into the explanation as to why, since its not something which I ever noticed prior to Phoenix mentioning it. Maybe this is why my blogs are 2 paragraph snippets, and not lengthy stories?

Keep in mind I am writing this wrapped in a towel, after getting out of the shower to get ready for work. I started getting ready for work a 440 am, and it is now 708... roughly 150 minutes, and I am still no closer to getting into work than I was, with little to show than this little tidbit. Which I think there is also the fact that I am not loving my job these days. Its not the people, its just 3 years out of the industry has turned me rusty, and it stinks slowly relearning the old tricks I used to know forwards, and backwards.


The greatest compliment
Tuesday morning I awoke with my head in a fog, I could not figure out anything, and was freaking me out. I was fretting over nothing/everything all at once, and worried about the outcome. I was chatting with Skippy online, and he was helping me out, sitting in as my shrink lately as he has, he has been very helpful. As we were talking I brought up how I can not follow a train of thought, which I have thought of as a new feature of my personality. Skippy knowing me since age 10, mentioned I have never had linear thinking which was reassuring to a degree.

As we continued to talk I interrupted my own story about my drinking issues, with random meaningless blather. I then got upset with myself for not being able to stay on task , when Skippy dropped the greatest compliment ever! He said ”you are just stream of consciousness, like your hero Kerouac“. After 30 years of living I received my high point, its time to bow and leave, ha ha.


Ink
Tuesday I also began the next leg of my tattoo, which consists of a rocky area at the base, and a stone wall behind my goblin guys. Its looking pretty good, though the picture its really tough to sort anything out since it is a ton of random lines. I go in Tuesday to start the shading process, which is going to take 4-6 hours. I have posted picture up on my Flickr for those interested. To do the outlining took 1.5 hours, and was rather uneventful.

Overall if has been a great experience and I am really excited about finishing it off. I do want to finish off the sleeve, but not sure what to bring down onto my forearm. We will see what happens, time will tell.

Before I got the goblins I had a whole idea for the background. As the artist was doing the goblins I mentioned what I wanted for the background, and he was all for it. The funny thing is I had vision of what I wanted was slightly different but in a good way, so as he is tossing on 6 stencils overlapping each other, and my arm is covered in carbon, he outline what he wants etc. It was not until after the outline, and he whipped down my arm that he says ”I was not onboard with this scheme but I really like it“. He never said anything prior, after all its not his body. After looking at the outline, and figuring the shading he is liking it. I love it already, there is a huge significance for me, trying to keep the goblins (alcohol addiction) away, which is going to be a lifelong struggle (or has been).


Another Planet
I hung out with Phoenix on Wednesday night, we went for another great dinner, and then to see the film ”Another Planet“ . Both were great, though true ”films“ always make me feel dim-witted. The movie was about children growing up in other parts of the world, and their lives, from the Congo where the child is trained as a freedom fighter, to scavenging for 10 hours through garbage to try to get enough plastic or metal to turn in for dinner that night. It was a very powerful film, though not a great choice for a date.

Dinner beforehand as always was wonderful, Denver has a ton of excellent restaurants, and its seems as though Phoenix and I have been hitting all of them. One of the best parts being the conversation, I am always in awe of her. She is extremely intelligent, which kind of makes me self conscience, but she does not talk down to me, and I do not feel uncomfortable asking her questions about stuff I do not know, which is great.

A year later, but same question
Today whilst riding home from my alcohol class, I nearly got hit twice. I almost rear ended an ambulance, no seriously! The irony would have been worth the pain and suffering. The other was me swinging past a turning car and the guy on the left not recognizing that he was driving a little over the yellow line. I came home to find the new copy of Urbanvelo magazine (www.urbanvelo.com). which they have an article on ghostbikes. Ghostbikes is an organization that chains white spray painted bikes around the city, saying a cyclist was killed at this location. After reading the article I started thinking, what if I we killed riding... oh, and check out their site www.ghostbikes.org its pretty powerful.

A year ago I was contemplating this subject with the idea of dropping dead in my apartment which would really still be my ultimate test of the scenario. One year later, how long until someone found my dead body if I were to drop dead in my apartment? Since no member of my family has called since before Christmas, something tells me they would not think anything of not hearing from me. My work would like call once or twice if I did not show up. This time around it would be a toss up between Phoenix and the cops. My case manager really does not care, so if I did not blow for a week, the notion would be he would call the cops. In reality he would not care and wait until I missed my next meeting, at which point he still would not be likely to call the cops. Now given how much I usually talk to Phoenix I would imagine she would think it odd I did not send her a text or call. If she would come check on me? I am guessing no, I am thinking she would likely think I had ”dumped“ her and was an ass for never calling, and just not answering her calls as a childish way to break up.

In theory I am in better shape than last year, ha ha. Really, the smell would not bother anyone in my neighborhood, so could be months when my case manager finally figured not blowing or showing up for meetings for a couple of months might be worth a call to the cops. I guess in reality I am in a worse situation, well my dead body should keep Jazmine alive for a while, ha ha.

The Unified internet theory
I propose that the internet comes together and redefines itself, and its terms. I think you should be able to create one single username, that will work for every website, and one single password. This I know would be wonderful for people who do the identity theft thing, but really I am getting sick of trying to recall my username for 15 different sites (though they are all very similar) or 15 different passwords since some require letters and numbers, or more than 8 characters etc. Is anyone with me on this?