The great pond phase, and others

25 October 2009

Here is a link to the aforementioned article that Skippy’s mom has mentioned 11 months ago. I have read it a few times usually getting bored, for feeling like a retard with his references to things I do not know. I just re-read it yet again, this time suffering through his script to find many instances where he and I parallel.

To this date I can still remember the square root of 18,562 is 136.24243098 repeating. I do not now why I learned this I had a strange fascination with the number. Or how I loved chemistry and math, but biology bored me to tears. I recently read that people with Aspergers are drawn to technology, and every day I am amazed by our computers, and phones.

I found it very interesting his love for classical music because I myself listened to it for a number of yours as another phase of mine but Dvorack’s 9th “From the new world” still nearly brings me to tears. I do not know how or why but I connect to that piece of music more than I do with members of my family. I can still remember going to see the Boston Philharmonic for the first time to see it played. I remember many details, Benjamin Zander was the Conductor I would almost put money given a seating chart I could find my seat, but of my date I remember she was blonde (we dated for about 4 months, I think she had a kid too).

I also got enthralled in literature for a spell mostly the writings of the beatniks, Bourroughs being my favorite, also his sons books “Speed and Kentucky Ham”. I would stay up all night reading and writing while drinking “Slush Puppies” from the gas station on the NW corner of Old Post Road and route 1. I would buy two at a time keeping one in the fridge. Remembering these things is easy for me I could describe my room even now with pinpoint precision, but I could not tell you what my sisters were doing or details of their lives of the time. Even today I would have a tough time telling you their age, though I am pretty sure I know their birth dates, my mom’s I do not know except it is near Christmas.

I have lived in Colorado for nearly 3 years and still do not have a single friend. They come and go, but even at 31 my phone has but 20 phone numbers in it, mostly places to order take out from, or family. I lived in MA for 28 years, and would say have but maybe 3 friends. I think this is why alcohol has always been an issue for it was the only time I felt some what like a belonged, but it was a narrow window I quickly passed into a state of being too drunk. My only true friends I can count on a single hand and still have room, and one of them is a dog.

To this day 9/11 still has no real effect on me. I remember the day, but it just sort of seemed like an “oh that sucks” scenario. I would have cracked jokes except I could understand that it was too early. I remember the day of the Challenger explosion which was on my birthday, and the first thing I uttered was “maybe they put a missile on it instead of a rocket”. Which makes no sense but I think it shows my inability to show compassion. For years when I would be forced to go to a wake when going up to say your respects I would simply think “better you than me” . Much like Tim Paige I feel like my memoirs would be entitled “Sorry Everyone” .

Since reading more about the infliction I still do not know what to do with the information, in terms of how to change. I just want to buy a T-shirt with a disclaimer explaining I have no sense of social cues or norms. I to this day freak out in grocery stores, because I do not know when I should say “excuse me” and when I have been rude etc. This is why I buy everything online (amongst other reasons). I am a creature of routine, if I am not out the door at 3:55 am to walk Jazmine on a work day I get tense and feel as though I should just call in sick because the day is ruined. I can work any hours I want no one cares if I am there at 430 or 1030, but I feel rushed and well unable to cope to some degree if I miss my little routine times I have in my head.

The more I read about the condition the more hopeless I actually end up feeling though it does help explain things to me, it makes me feel even more out of sync with the world around me. Mostly because it is in fact incurable, and the only real treatment is therapy to help you recognize your issues and to work on them. I wish there was a pill that would simply make me “normal” because i feel all too comfortable sitting inside watching the same shows over and over, or designing great pieces of furniture in my head that I will never build.