Discussions with oneself

2 April 2009

Work again:

I have  been thinking about a lot of things lately mostly relating to my sobriety, and why i wake up each morning.  Which I have not had a reason in some time.  Those of you who know me well know I have always been driven at work.  I have also been lucky in the jobs I have had because most of them I have enjoyed, and thrived both professionally and personally.  

I have come to some conclusions, which is I want to be happy, and I think I drink trying to chase the purple dragon of happiness.  I chase women in the same hope, and when I do catch one, I am happy but, I am still missing something else, which is why they are short lived.  

As I walked Jazmine just now it hit me, I remember calling in Martin Luther Kings day to spend with Phoenix, and the reason was in the pursuit of happiness.  I wanted to be happy for the day, and hanging out with her provided that, much like now I drink all night in the hopes of a few hours where I can forget about what my life is lacking.  

i love Denver, and have a few good friends, but I want to be more social but, as we all know I tend to be socially awkward, and I stay home in fear of "putting myself out there".  As with everything, I find an excuse for doing so, weather, money, anything to find that reason to stay home, and try to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle.  

The question is how to resolve this?  I have been learning some things about myself, my trigger is being home alone... I have been drinking alone in my room since high school, so being home alone = drinking.  Which I can not explain, but if I come home, and with no plans for the evening I am at the liquor store with out a thought process.  I do not think maybe I will grab some beer, or a beer would be good, almost like sleep walking I pick up the beer, and am home drinking before I think about what I am doing.  

I have been trying to stay away from home in the hopes to "beat" this trigger, but with lack luster results.  I have been trying to read up, but how do you change such a behavior, seriously!  I need to learn to associate being home alone with something else, but trying to do so puts me in a situation to drink, and the dog chases his tail.  

Once upon a time it was reading, I would stay home and read for hours until, I would "pass out" only to do it over again.  Another time is was video games, or reading about stocks, and futures.  These days my interests have dwindled due to alcohol, which is party of the allure of alcohol.  

Most of you probably read this and can not fathom what I am talking about.  I never really could until the last few years, which is odd since I LOVE Colorado, and don't want to leave, but yet since being here I have felt a touch lost.  Just popping into my head, could I possibly miss my family?  Or the friendships I left behind?  Am I really just homesick?