The clear headed John

12 April 2009

Vicktor Frankel re-read

I have started reading "Man's search for meaning" again.  I first read it while in jail, and recently while looking at my life recognized that the book would be helpful.  I also knew reading the book the first time that I would need to read it a few times to really grasp, and find use in the book.  

This weekend is really my latest attempt at sobriety.  Which is to say that the recent months weekends have been in a drunken/drugged haze.  The weekend would past quickly with little to show other than bloodshot eyes, and a barren fridge/pantry.  

Over the last week I have slowly been trying to change my habits, I have been going to the gym, riding, and trying to be more responsible in general.  I have also concluded that I need to change my job, and in talking to a new friend I have realized what I want from a job, which is not money.  

I have realized that while I was younger I acted young, and jovial, but in the background I was an adult meaning paid bills saved money etc.  Somewhere it changed where I tried to act adult, but in the back room I was a child, not paying bills etc.  I am not sure what the cause was but I think I stopped being who I am, and tried to put on an act.  I think this is why I had such a tough time getting over Phoenix was that with her I acted silly, and natural, I id not put on the act.  Thus when she broke up with me I took it a little more personal since I did not have the fake persona to protect me. 

All this said I realized many things:

1.  Drugs and alcohol are not good for me.(duh) 

2.  I need to change my job, I need to find something I enjoy.

3.  I have to be me, I am special... I can not drink (I am not like most people) I need to be silly and open and not try to be someone else,.

4.  I have to play the game and get through probation/classes etc so I can stop paying $400+ a month in fees, and start putting that money away, or get a much better apartment with that money ha ha. 

Sobriety 

I was reading a bit about ADD and alcoholism which was interesting, I never understood why ADD would bread alcoholism until I read an article recently (thank you Marie) which explained how ones mind would slow down with the alcohol making it easier to cope.  It had a great quote which to paraphrase was I hated being bored, but when I was drunk I did not care I was bored.  Which last night it really hit me because I was wired, I was bored nothing could keep my attention, and looking back to the same scenario drinking bored did not bother me, being home sober bored does.  Also, last night was the first time I went to bed sober since January and I had trouble sleeping, my mind was going 100 mph, my mind could not rest which was keeping me awake.  

Today (Sunday) is my second day of sobriety, and I have actually been having no cravings to drink.  I have been having a huge sweet tooth which makes sense since alcohol is sugar, so my body craves it, but candy is better than alcohol. I have read that you should quit sugar when you quit drinking too help keep your body from cravings, but we'll play that by year.  

I noticed I do have a touch more energy, and aspects of my true personality are starting to poe back through from a hiatus in drunk land.  I actually feel good about things, and am working on getting the other aspects of my life in order, hell I even did my taxes!