John the worthwhile addition

18 February 2009

I figured I would enlighten you to how the mind of an alcoholic works,
well MY alcoholic mind works.

The last half hour of work I start thinking ok got to do this, that an
the other, which we all do. Mine quickly turns to this, that, and
might as well grab some beer. I always think I can drink and do
things like clean, or cook, and fix my bike. The truth is I drink and
something clicks, and drinking is the only thing I want/can do. This
is why my apartment becomes a shambles since I drink, and unable to
clean etc everything get worse and worse.

Over the last week I have recognized my life is being unmanageable,
which is to say for me. I hate paperwork, doing anything remotely
adult in nature including paying bills etc. Drinking compounds all
these issues and every day I get depressed because life seems to be
spinning quickly down the drain, so I drink.. which makes the water
spin faster. This morning as I was riding to work I decided to change
this, which is really a joke because I do this nearly everyday.

This afternoon everything went, as any other day started thinking need
to blow pic up my new wheel, but today I threw a curveball food
shopping. Again in my alcoholic mind cooking is disruptive of my
goal, getting drunk, so I live off fast food. The past week I have
had NO money, and have been hungry everyday. I had NO food at all
left by last night, and I am not talking like a pantry of stuff you
don't like... I ate a can of refried beans for dinner monday night,
that was the last of any food, all my pasta was gone, soups etc all I
had left was refried beans.

Today I went food hopping to remedy this, and ate a TON, which makes
me happy. I also cleaned my kitchen, well my apartment in general,
and vacuumed etc, I did what all of you do without difficulty on a
weekly basis but for me this is huge. I did not drink, and as opposed
to having 2000 calories in beer I ate them, and it was wonderful. I
even made a lunch to bring to work, I have never eaten a lunch at
work, which everyone has made fun of me, well unless you count packets
of GU as lunch... I tend to count it as food. Tomorrow I have a great
chicken salad sandwich, with Pringles, some baby carrots, and sour
patch kids for dessert. Again to everyone else in the world this is
well, what you do, for me its like curing cancer, its a big deal.

I know that its just one day as opposed to the thousand I spent drunk
and doing nothing but its a start.

Why this is starting to click now is my question, after jail makes
sense but 3 months later? I suppose as the saying goes "one day at a
time" .