Dislove

9 December 2008

I was walking the dog this morning, and in thinking of the previous days date started wondering.  I like to think of myself as analytical and problem solving…. Though we all know I can be headstrong, and stubborn.  I suppose the two do not rule each other out, but in my grasp they do.  I have been of this futile mission to figure out why I am single, which is futile to a degree in the sense that there is always multiple variables, the girl = x the timing =y etc all the way down to her stuffed animal died in a horrific hang gliding accident = hhga. 

 As Jazmine and I make our rounds I found one constant in my life which may/may not contribute to failure with women, and if my general life.  Impatience… when I meet someone I like I want to se them all the time taking things from 0-60, and taking a 2 yr relationship with a chance to a 2 weeks relationship because after two weeks, you have no real vested interest to work through problem areas.  I think this has been an issue elsewhere in my life…. Referring to my stubbornness etc… maybe it’s the east but I want everything yesterday.   

 Going hand in hand (or so I feel) is being too honest, ha ha.  Well, in relationships I always am very truthful, and I think it’s in the hope of moving things along faster.  I also have an argument against all of this which is that I just want failure to come fast to get it over with… that is way too depressing for me, and if it were true, and I recognized that….

 I have not had a true relationship in a min of a year.  I bring this up because while walking jazmine this evening I started asking myself am I ready to date?  I have not had anyone I cared for in a little over a year, and I am over here etc…. but I don’t feel there is a point. Why (this goes back t the self esteem issue) is I ask myself what I got to offer, and down the rabbit hole I go.   I am really beginning to think I am either my own worst enemy or in need of serious mental help.

 Today turned t head of the dark back alley leading to the back entrance of my building, and there is a guy either urinating or masturbating… following the old school logic of more than two shakes… he was totally masturbating.  I had to laugh, since he was two steps into the alley, I walk up, and pass and about 5 steps later I hear a car pull in behind e, it stops.  Few steps later I turn around… it was a cop.  Which I found comical, in that why does he care, really?  Which has always made me wonder about riding a bike drunk… you can be arrested which prior to my current circumstances I would have loved to fight in court.  These days I get 4 months for jay walking…. There is no need to tease the system.  Even if I won I would be on BA’s until the day I died… because everyone wants the money.