Is this how sober people live?

3 May 2009

First off, I am still sober so 3 weeks now?  I should really document the date better, I am thinking April 11th was my first day... I should have done it on New Years or something memorable, hmmm  ok bender until Jan 30th YAY ha ha.

I actually had a wonderful weekend, gym, cleaning, yoga, cooking, work... all of which would have sounded like a terrible weekend in my drinking days!  Today I was walking Jazmine through the park, and I was thinking about life etc, and I become hyper aware that I think about myself a lot now.  Is this how people are?  Thinking about your goals, and where you want t be etc?  I am being serious... I can’t recall my previous sober days I think I was the same way.  I like to think that its more the sense of hope, and looking forward to life instead of being self centered.  In all seriousness is this what sober people do?

Racing
I am toying with racing, been looking into races, and so forth.  I enjoy racing but hate how people take themselves so seriously at the events, people its CAT 4, and we are 30! No one is winning the race being signed by Astana and winning the Giro next season.  I think it would be fun, ad give me an extra incentive to ride more, plus I really want to do cross this season so it will help me get in shape to do that in the fall.  Cross seems a lot more fun since 2 laps into the race everyone is sort of in their own race instead on a huge pack jockeying for position its more broken up, where you are trying to beat the guy 50 yards a head of you.  All the races I have been to have a much more jovial feel to them instead of the I am the next Lance super ego of road racing.  

Goals
A few months ago I posted a few goals and really I forget what they are, and clearly they were not truly what I was looking to do with my life.  I have since updated my goals list which most of them are easily obtainable.

 1. There is a bike ride I found online, its not an organized ride or anything just a guy mapped his ride.  It leaves from downtown Denver (5280 ft), meanders into the mountains and up Mount Evens (Highest paved road in North America at 14240 ft)  its 134 miles I think and over 10,000 feet of climbing when said and done.  I want to do it 3 times, July, August September once each month.
 2. I want to be done with BA’s and UA’s by September 11th, I have SOME control over this goal.  Staying clean, and blowing everyday, going to classes etc help, but its my PO’s decision not mine..
 3. I want to be done with my therapy classes by December 14th, which if I go every week I should be done before that though I did not look to see what holidays etc might interfere, and post pone a week.  
 4. I want to be done with  Relapse Prevention class on June 30th which if I do not miss any classes should be my final class.  
 5. Have my restitution paid off by September 11th 2010, I still owe 4500... but paying $400 a month in classes etc makes it tough to put money towards that debt.  

Once my BA’s start dropping (hopefully the next PO meeting) I want to take the money would be
 spending on that and put it into savings for either a new bike, or more than likely towards my
restitution so I can get that done and paid off.

More thoughts
I have difficulty with motivation, and purpose.  Clarifying, I love to ride, but find I need a reason to go
for rides other than pleasure aka the desire to race.  I went to yoga for the first time in two years, and
loved it, I really miss practicing, but again I need a reason other than enjoyment does that make any
sense?  Most people love to hike, or yoga etc and go when they can, and if they miss a chance might
be disappointed.  I find it difficult to be like I won’t ride today because I would rather hang out with
friends or my dog (which I did Wednesday) I feel though I am being lazy, but lazy of what?  With no
goal to race etc, and really missing the ride is not going to transform my life, but I find it difficult not to
schedule everything.  I am starting to try to organize everything, and do the daily planner thing which
I think is really an attempt to show I am in control of my life.   That I am no longer being controlled or
manipulated by my vice of alcohol but really just by another vice either riding, or the gym, r climbing
etc.  I have read quite a bit on alcoholism and recovery but do not recall ever seeing anything about
this though, to me it makes perfect sense.  

Last note
Work has been going great been going in early 430-5 am which is when I have my best
concentration and leaving 1-2 which with Colorado Summers leaves me with 7+ hours of sunlight to
enjoy,  it seems to be the perfect schedule for me.  I have been staying sober, no real issues, really
 no desire to drink, I can really tell the difference of life before compared to now.  All the stupid little
things I missed like today, cooking chili, spring cleaning, yoga, walking Jazmine around the park,
 Taking Jazmine to the ice cream parlor and having an ice cream, which I could have done all of
those things if I were a social drinker.  Being an alcoholic all those things went by the side so I could
get drunk.