The Meetings

30 and 31 October 2008

I have a knack for meeting various acquaintances in strange places.  I was looking for a job back when I was 19, and I thought, landscaping that seems like one of those jobs every kid should do at some point. A rite of passage of sorts, I suppose you learn manual labor sucks, and you go to college.  So, I make a few phone calls leaving messages on various answering machines looking for work.  As a congratulatory measure I head to my favorite little computer shop to pick up some silly game, and being that I was the only customer this guy ever had, I mean seriously I never saw another soul in this store. He mentioned a friend who had a landscaping company, and was looking for help.  I got the job, and as the time passed in turned out he knew my father (small Massachusetts towns)   So, I worked with him, and his son for 3 months before leaving to work framing homes (I have always had ADD).

3 Years later, I am persuaded to go to a strip club, twice.  I hate strip clubs, but I was 21 and not knowing I hated strip clubs it seemed like an experience.  I go with a friend for the second time and the porn star “Houston” is there to dance.  I do not recall all the details (got to love $9 beer night) I do recall cupcakes, and my head being pummeled by various body parts covered in pieces of cupcake.  Hey, I never said I was a saint.  I sit back down with my friend who laughing to the point of tears, a minute later I feel a tap on my shoulder.  As I turn around I find my ex employer, who after 3 years remembered me somewhere during the antics.  He is laughing even harder making various jokes at my expense.  I used to have a picture from the faithful evening but somewhere in growing up I threw it out.  Fast forward another 2-3 years, I am in court facing my first DUI charge, and who is there?  His son who is having a case dismissed, I do not mention seeing his dad in a strip club. 

Today I go to visit my P.O. (probation officer) and as I collect my things from the metal detector, I hear “hey Kaz”.  I look up to find, no not my ex employer, but an ex employee.  It took me 15 minutes to figure out who he was, playing along until it clicked.  I hired him and a friend of his about a year ago; he worked for me for a few months before he pulled a no show.  We chatted a bit, and turns out he was there having a case dismissed, why are my cases never being dismissed? 

 

I get to the probation department which is run sort of strange. You a) tell the woman behind the desk who you are there to see B) you sign in C) you call your PO using a phone mounted in the far opposite corner.  Why do they have a receptionist is my only question?  Why tell her who you are seeing she doesn’t do anything except tell you to call your PO.  I end up learning a lot about stupidity and bureaucracy as the day progress. 

 

Eventually the PO comes out and in a defensive, angry voice tells me to walk down the hall and gives directions while she is following behind which apparently is the protocol.  I guess they think us convicts might jump our PO’s in a federal building?  I suppose to an extent it makes sense but the PO is supposed to be on my side right?  So I get into the office, and she says to sit in the corner chair.  The room has 4 corners, and there are chairs in 2 of the corners, I choose the wrong corner and was surprised I was not tasered.  As she corrects me, I notice a piece of paper taped on the wall above the other chair that says “corner chair”.  I had to suppress laughter; it seems ridiculous to me that she took the time to print the tag.  This is in addition to the absurdity that she feels there is a need for the chair to be labeled.  As I sit down I notice that the chair I almost sat in is labeled “time out chair”.  I can not make this shit up, I searched but a “dunce cap” was not to be located or labeled.  There ware also printed rules on the wall about “How to take a time out”.  I encourage anyone who knows why to correct me but, but a time out really?  I can not see myself saying “I need a time out”, but maybe I am just not an angry guy.

 She breaks out my file and the paperwork starts, with the same questions I had answered a minimum of 4 times before.  I have answered the same various questions while being brought to intake, when I got transferred to “transition” again when I entered “work release”, and when I went to the probation office in Boulder on my first ay of job search.  Someone can not devise a program that takes all this information I filled out 5 times, and have it passed along from one person to another?  So, yes here we go again… name, age etc.  Then the drug/alcohol questions… AGAIN.

 PO: “Ever smoke pot?”

Me: “Yes”

PO: “When was the last time?’

Me:  “I don’t know, 21?”

PO:  “Says here 22”

 

She is looking at the sheet I filled out over a month ago.

 

Me:  “If you are looking at the sheet I filled out before, why are you filling out another

          copy?”

PO:  “To make sure you aren’t lying”

Me:  “Maybe it was 22; it was 8 years ago, what were you doing 8 years ago?”

 She looks as though she could use a time out at this point.  So, we go through the paperwork which I stare at now. I have 6 copies of the same exact piece of paper signed 6 different times showing my charges and court fees… WHY?  I suppose if I loose the first 5, and have an extra grand in my pocket, I can take the 6^th and be able to pay!  One if the copies has a huge “Defendants copy” stamped on it so it looks super cool.  She did say I “appeared to be telling the truth” bas I was finishing up.  I am glad I did tell the truth, I would be afraid to se what she would tag on if I had appeared to be lying.  I am amazed she did not put me to polygraph, hope she doesn’t read this, might get some more ideas.

 We go through the bit, and I get more things tagged on to my sentence.  24 hours of alcohol classes, at 2 hour sessions once a week.  The classes are fair, but at $30 bucks a class you also need the corresponding book at $20 to take the class. After my first 12 weeks (providing I don’t miss any) I can then begin “therapy” 68 hours at the same situation.  Yes, there is another $20 book, and every session is $30.  This is not real therapy mind you this is in a group, which from talking to other people it’s basically an AA meeting where they charge and take attendance.  I found out about the classes today while the guy tries to get me to do my daily breathalyzers there instead of where I am having them done. He forgets to mention their hours are worse, they are 2 blocks away from my current place, and charge $0.50 more each time.  50 cents what is the big deal right?  At 365 times doing this, that’s an additional $180 for doing the same exact procedure.  Don’t get me started on they charge $1.50 for a 25 second process start to finish.  He then mentions in an upbeat tone if I blow through this it only takes 11 ½ MONTHS to complete!   

 I also apparently have random UA’s (urine annalists) too which at $15 a go this is turning into an expense proposition, freedom has a steep price!  Luckily I love peeing in a cup, or else I would be depressed. Then there is another $200 in fees, and to start my community service costs $100.  I am going to start a tally on how much this is costing me, which I will post. 

 I then head downstairs to set up a payment plan to pay my court fees, which apparently the woman who does that works 2 days a week, so I went back today and set up paying of the $896 I owe in court fees.  I then go to the agency which I report to for probation confused? Me too!  My PO is no longer my PO instead I report to a non profit court service place for probation who have guess… just guess…. more paperwork!! I start going over the same FUCKING questions as before!!  Since they are not a state agency, they don’t get my previous answers!!  Now I completely understand the time out chair.  After, filling out the same questions rephrased a bit for the 6^th time, I get to set up an appointment to start my probation, I shit you not. 

 I implore Microsoft to come up with a program where you slide a card, and all this shit pops up for them, please!  We have phones which I more powerful than the best computers from 10 years ago, but for some reason there are a thousand pieces of paper necessary for the world to know about my DUI.  Seems like such a waste of everyone’s time, I have filled out “scars and tattoos” 4 times, in addition to verbally answering twice.  Damn I want a new tattoo, before my issue was the cost now I don’t want to have to fill out all the paperwork. 

 I then went to the leasing office and have to fill out a bunch of paperwork to move OUT of the apartment.  Luckily the new tires for my bike arrived and 3 cases of GU.  I was also informed I need to give 30 days notice to cancel my garage lease, so if anyone needs a garage for a month swing by put your crap in mine, all I have in there is a bike pump, and my second set of climbing shoes.

I have an itemized bill, but for some reason it will not post, to date I have paid $485.00 if fees etc.  This is paid out, not what I owe.  A cab ride seems pretty cheap now folks huh?