Random thoughts

28 November 2009

Denver
It has been a year since I moved to Denver (the 25th actually). Overall it has been good, aside from all the stuff i have been working through, which I would of had to work through regardless of where I was living. It has been trying, but one of these days I will figure it all out, and then get hit by a bus.

PS3
I bought a Playstation 3, in an attempt to help stay sober, which it has helped. The issue was that my computer monitor/TV was too small I had to move the couch all the way up the the desk in order to play any games... enter the new HDTV. As a little plug I got a 28” HDTV/Computer monitor for $270, if you are looking for a new monitor let me know i will tell you all about it. Since I don’t watch enough TV to constitute owning one, having one that does both has always been great my previous one was a 19“. Not to mention playing with CAD on a 28” monitor that is 12“ in from of you is GLORIOUS.

Work
Its still there, it is going well, but slowing down. Feeling a touch sketch about if I will have a job after the new year. They did fire one person who had worked there for 20+ years, but that was due to negligence. He is a frail 65 year old man, who does not have a bank account. He is afraid to lose it with Y2K... yes it has been explained that nothing happened, and that the threat was 9 years ago. He was an odd man, always high... I mean ALWAYS. When he walked into the shop in the morning you would get a contact high by talking to him. his job for the last 8 or so years was to sand. 8 hours a day, 5 days a week 52 weeks a year he would sand. I think I would be high all the time if that was my job, but over the last 3 months he just completely gave up, smoking pot in the shop thinking no one would notice, did I mention he was a strange little man? It was sad to see him go, but no one was surprised, it was a matter of time.

On a different note it has been over a year I have been working here, and I am finally feeling comfortable around my co workers, that is messed up. i spend more time with them then anyone else and it took a year to get comfortable. It has actually gotten to the point where I might call a couple acquaintances. I would toy with the notion of asking them to hang out, but not quite there yet.

and down the rabbit hole
As touched upon earlier over the last year been struggling with my relationship with alcohol, the fact I am clueless what I am doing with my life, and more recently the Asperger information. Which the PS3 has not helped since it has helped keep me inside not interacting with the world. This combined with many other factors has really brought me to isolate my self even further.

Thanksgiving brought this even more to the forefront when I had no plans, I spent the day watching movies, playing video games. A few people called but I had my phone on silent (which I always do now a days) but even if I heard it ring I would not have answered. I only listened to the voice mails after having to click past the little reminder every time I went to the phone for anything else. I had no intention of calling any of them back, and still have not.

The only time I have ANY desire to socialize is when I take the Ritalin for my ADHD. On the weekends I generally forget, because I do not have a routine like during the week. Which when I take it I want to socialize, but then recognize I have no friends, making me withdraw, and in about two years buying a log cabin in Lincoln Montana.

The irony of technology
I recently got a new Blu-ray DVD player (PS3), and a high definition television. Yes I finally joined the main stream, strangely I still do not have cable or digital rabbit ears. I am watching a movie, astounded by the picture quality, and the DVD skips, sticks, and freezes, and basically annoys me to tears. I pop out the DVD wipe it down, and go through the FBI warning find the chapter FF halfway through to find the part, and resume. Everything is going fine until 10 mins later does the same thing.

It perplexes me all the time and effort put into getting this great picture quality but yet when it all goes down I want to throw it all out the window.. You would have thought that maybe they could put a touch more effort in making a less finicky DVD. Obviously the DVD is not damaged but something the naked eye can not see can upset the functioning so much is sort of weird. Apparently the dust I could not see or a finger print is the swine flu of the DVD experience.

Probation
Saying it is getting old is an understatement, the classes are nearing the end, but seriously they make me want to hang myself. If it wasn’t for the fact I only have 8 weeks left I think I would just stop going. My PO and I are at each others throats because I am sick of this, and want to get off monitoring etc. She does not like the fact I ask her to do something, not just take my money.

This is what KILLS me....
I was in class the other night, and someone is telling a story. “Joe” is on probation etc, no license, and on drug charges. His brother (“Mike”) has a warrant out for his arrest for something... So, Mike gets pulled over, and obviously can’t say who he is because of the warrant, tells the officer he is “Joe” and says i am on probation and I don’t have a license, yet he is driving. He tells the officer he is driving home his drunk girlfriend (also in car) because she was too drunk to drive. The officer lets him goes, and calls his probation officer..... wait for it.... to COMMEND him for doing a good dead by not letting his girlfriend drive drunk, even though he was driving without a license (which was revoked). His PO gave him a pat on the back, while saying don’t let me hear again you were driving.

This is just one of MANY stories I hear weekly, yet I have never had a hot UA or BA, and I have to stay on monitoring. People in the class and hear what I have to pay for fines, monitoring the 64 weeks of classes and they pity me. They are on 3rd count drug possession charges, or dealing charges, not weed which is basically legal here, but crack, meth, and cocaine. When they hear that while they have to pay $500 in fines I have to pay $9500 they laugh. They submit hot UA’s and get a “don’t do that again” from their PO.

I know I screwed up, but at this point the fines, classes etc are completely discounted in my mind from the crime. I do not associate all these headaches with drinking and driving, which is messed up. If I were to drink and drive again, and get arrested I would post bond, and run plain and simple not even a second thought. This is not how people should think this probably why there are so many people go to jail, and end up back inside after few months or years. This is not even touching the saying “3 hots, and a cot” because jumping through the hurdles, paying all the fines, etc is a lot tougher than sitting in jail. In all seriousness if I was down and out, facing homelessness I would totally want into a bank with a note “saying give me all of the money or I will shoot you”. I wouldn’t even have a gun because I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, or even get away with the robbery.

Last bit of the rant
A coworker spent time in prison, 3 years, and jumped the hoops, and is off parole and doing great. He was telling me how guys would be getting released and they wouldn’t say “good bye forever” they would say to the guards and inmates “see you in a few months.” They would get out, have no job, no prospects, and would visit family friends, party for a few months until they got busted for something new, or violation of parole. Even in Boulder County Jail everyone knew each other, a new guy would come in and half the people knew him and the would catch up... “oh how is Jim doing? He’s over in Medium security got 6 months“ with a reply of ”really, shit man my brother is other there for year“.

I have actually been toying with joining some sort of advocacy group because the system is just plain screwed up. I am not saying I should not have been punished, or that I know a better way, but I just know this does not work. It will scare 10% of the population straight people who have something to lose, a husband with children. the college kid who has family to support him etc but to people who don’t have anything to lose crime is an easy way out.

I apologize that went longer than expected.... needless to say I get worked up when I think about it.

Pictures
I am posting new pictures for the slideshow above so keep an eye out, there are some of stuff from work, my Lincoln logs for community service. Oh and of me, I went back to the loving arms of a mohawk.