another thought

25 October 2009 

For those of you late to the program start a few postings back, to have some sense of continuity.  

I was walking the dog, and going through one of my routes which I do not conscientiously decide, but sort of follow (routine) and something perplexed me.  I want to leave Denver because it feels like home.  The routine of work, and the apartment and my life here scares the shit out of me.  Though the routine of watching every episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is incredibly soothing.  The aggravation of having to blow everyday was soothing, it was part of my routine.  Now that I have to call in the morning to find out if I have to blow bothers me..  The days I do have to blow I feel out of sorts a bit, not because going to blow interferes with my life in the least, except I have to take a different route home.  I should be happy for the saved money, and not having to deal with it everyday but that routine was comforting.  

My father worked the same job for 30+ years lived in the same home for 37? years this frightens me!  Though spending the routine of leaving the house at 420 am and taking the same exact route to work is soothing for me.  When I get into work I have a little routine I go through, change, punch in blow my nose wash my hands, calculate my hours from the previous day, and subtract to figure out how many more hours I need to work, and figure out what time I want to punch out for that day, and then put certain things in certain places and start the day... this in some sense comforts me.  Yet I want to move away with some unexplainable urge because the overall routine is frightening.  

I can not understand this... I can recognize it, but not begin to understand.