Friday, April 22, 2011
Who loves "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"?
Those who are fans of the show, yes they do make the "dick towel" and its pretty awesome. They even came up with a witty website named... www.dicktowel.com.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The Thumb
First
Ok so its been over a year I have neglected my blog. There is a lot that has gone on, but given I do not have the desire to write it all now. I will give a very brief synopsis and a story. Basically since my last posting I have moved, gone back to jail, met a girl, lost the girl (there were a few) but found another girl. Had a few brilliant ideas, and had some really stupid ones. i also quit my job, and I am currently searching for a new one.
The Thumb
I hated my previous job, more accurately I despised the company. Every Monday I dreaded going in for another week of dealing with their disorganization, and their general treatment or the employees. I awoke one Monday morning in late February with this same feeling of contempt. I started getting dressed for the 15 mile bike ride in when I started debating the merits of calling in sick. Though my sanity is important, I decided to go to work, I work my 8 hours and leave.
As many know I ride a track bike, and I had recently changed to one sided clipless pedals, and the bike had bullhorn handlebars at the time. This all brilliantly played into a visit to the ER. I am stopped at a red light about 3 miles from home, its a warm afternoon, and the light turns green. I start across the intersection clip in and begin to accelerate, when my foot slides off the pedal, I drop down catching my thigh on the cross bar, and before I can recover the handlebars turn, and I go up and over the handlebars. I am sitting in the intersection feeling like an ass, sort of laughing as I get up, and walk to the corner to access the damage. My left hand is bleeding, bike is fine, only my ego is really hurt.
I continue my ride home inspecting my thumb which is mashed, but don’t think too much of it, until a mile later when I notice my left leg is covered in blood. At this point I realize this is pretty bad, and the second I stop pedaling it was going to start throbbing. I get home, and call my girlfriend asking her to pick up some “large band aids” and if I could take one of her pain killers (she has prescription due to screws in her leg) I get off the phone take a pill, a shot of whiskey, a beer, and start looking at the damage. I dress the wound with gauze hoping after a few minutes I will et a better look at the wound after it dries out.
After 15 minutes I remove the gauze, to find a piece of gravel in the cut (very common side effect of road rash) I proceed to clean it out with a Q-Tip. Being a keen observer I noticed it is extraordinarily painful to touch the gravel, mental note: that is bone. I rewrap the wound and start thinking I should see a doctor. Ten minutes later the door opens, and my girlfriend is home after leaving work early thinking I might be in worse shape than I let on. We go to emergency care, who take some x-rays, wrap the wound and send us to the ER. 5 hours and 15 stitches later I am home, with a prescription for antibiotics, and pain killers.
When I fell my thumb was on the end of the bull horn of the handlebars, so though I was going 3-4 MPH all my weight came down on my left thumb. As it hit the ground, the tip of my thumb stopped but the rest of my body kept moving a little further. I basically peeled the tip of my thumb back like peeling and orange. I fractured it in 2 places between the knuckle ad the tip. All this force landed on my thumb nail, causing it to pop off, and beneath the nail is where it was cut. So, long story short I had stitches going across my nail bed and down one side of my thumb. A few days later I went to the hand surgeon, who added a few more stitches, and stitched on an acrylic nail which would keep a gap for the new nail to come through.
It is now 6 or so weeks later, and my thumb is fine, the nail is growing back in, which right now looks as though it will be forever a deformed thumb nail but time will tell.
Ok so its been over a year I have neglected my blog. There is a lot that has gone on, but given I do not have the desire to write it all now. I will give a very brief synopsis and a story. Basically since my last posting I have moved, gone back to jail, met a girl, lost the girl (there were a few) but found another girl. Had a few brilliant ideas, and had some really stupid ones. i also quit my job, and I am currently searching for a new one.
The Thumb
I hated my previous job, more accurately I despised the company. Every Monday I dreaded going in for another week of dealing with their disorganization, and their general treatment or the employees. I awoke one Monday morning in late February with this same feeling of contempt. I started getting dressed for the 15 mile bike ride in when I started debating the merits of calling in sick. Though my sanity is important, I decided to go to work, I work my 8 hours and leave.
As many know I ride a track bike, and I had recently changed to one sided clipless pedals, and the bike had bullhorn handlebars at the time. This all brilliantly played into a visit to the ER. I am stopped at a red light about 3 miles from home, its a warm afternoon, and the light turns green. I start across the intersection clip in and begin to accelerate, when my foot slides off the pedal, I drop down catching my thigh on the cross bar, and before I can recover the handlebars turn, and I go up and over the handlebars. I am sitting in the intersection feeling like an ass, sort of laughing as I get up, and walk to the corner to access the damage. My left hand is bleeding, bike is fine, only my ego is really hurt.
I continue my ride home inspecting my thumb which is mashed, but don’t think too much of it, until a mile later when I notice my left leg is covered in blood. At this point I realize this is pretty bad, and the second I stop pedaling it was going to start throbbing. I get home, and call my girlfriend asking her to pick up some “large band aids” and if I could take one of her pain killers (she has prescription due to screws in her leg) I get off the phone take a pill, a shot of whiskey, a beer, and start looking at the damage. I dress the wound with gauze hoping after a few minutes I will et a better look at the wound after it dries out.
After 15 minutes I remove the gauze, to find a piece of gravel in the cut (very common side effect of road rash) I proceed to clean it out with a Q-Tip. Being a keen observer I noticed it is extraordinarily painful to touch the gravel, mental note: that is bone. I rewrap the wound and start thinking I should see a doctor. Ten minutes later the door opens, and my girlfriend is home after leaving work early thinking I might be in worse shape than I let on. We go to emergency care, who take some x-rays, wrap the wound and send us to the ER. 5 hours and 15 stitches later I am home, with a prescription for antibiotics, and pain killers.
When I fell my thumb was on the end of the bull horn of the handlebars, so though I was going 3-4 MPH all my weight came down on my left thumb. As it hit the ground, the tip of my thumb stopped but the rest of my body kept moving a little further. I basically peeled the tip of my thumb back like peeling and orange. I fractured it in 2 places between the knuckle ad the tip. All this force landed on my thumb nail, causing it to pop off, and beneath the nail is where it was cut. So, long story short I had stitches going across my nail bed and down one side of my thumb. A few days later I went to the hand surgeon, who added a few more stitches, and stitched on an acrylic nail which would keep a gap for the new nail to come through.
It is now 6 or so weeks later, and my thumb is fine, the nail is growing back in, which right now looks as though it will be forever a deformed thumb nail but time will tell.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Random thoughts
28 November 2009
Denver
It has been a year since I moved to Denver (the 25th actually). Overall it has been good, aside from all the stuff i have been working through, which I would of had to work through regardless of where I was living. It has been trying, but one of these days I will figure it all out, and then get hit by a bus.
PS3
I bought a Playstation 3, in an attempt to help stay sober, which it has helped. The issue was that my computer monitor/TV was too small I had to move the couch all the way up the the desk in order to play any games... enter the new HDTV. As a little plug I got a 28” HDTV/Computer monitor for $270, if you are looking for a new monitor let me know i will tell you all about it. Since I don’t watch enough TV to constitute owning one, having one that does both has always been great my previous one was a 19“. Not to mention playing with CAD on a 28” monitor that is 12“ in from of you is GLORIOUS.
Work
Its still there, it is going well, but slowing down. Feeling a touch sketch about if I will have a job after the new year. They did fire one person who had worked there for 20+ years, but that was due to negligence. He is a frail 65 year old man, who does not have a bank account. He is afraid to lose it with Y2K... yes it has been explained that nothing happened, and that the threat was 9 years ago. He was an odd man, always high... I mean ALWAYS. When he walked into the shop in the morning you would get a contact high by talking to him. his job for the last 8 or so years was to sand. 8 hours a day, 5 days a week 52 weeks a year he would sand. I think I would be high all the time if that was my job, but over the last 3 months he just completely gave up, smoking pot in the shop thinking no one would notice, did I mention he was a strange little man? It was sad to see him go, but no one was surprised, it was a matter of time.
On a different note it has been over a year I have been working here, and I am finally feeling comfortable around my co workers, that is messed up. i spend more time with them then anyone else and it took a year to get comfortable. It has actually gotten to the point where I might call a couple acquaintances. I would toy with the notion of asking them to hang out, but not quite there yet.
and down the rabbit hole
As touched upon earlier over the last year been struggling with my relationship with alcohol, the fact I am clueless what I am doing with my life, and more recently the Asperger information. Which the PS3 has not helped since it has helped keep me inside not interacting with the world. This combined with many other factors has really brought me to isolate my self even further.
Thanksgiving brought this even more to the forefront when I had no plans, I spent the day watching movies, playing video games. A few people called but I had my phone on silent (which I always do now a days) but even if I heard it ring I would not have answered. I only listened to the voice mails after having to click past the little reminder every time I went to the phone for anything else. I had no intention of calling any of them back, and still have not.
The only time I have ANY desire to socialize is when I take the Ritalin for my ADHD. On the weekends I generally forget, because I do not have a routine like during the week. Which when I take it I want to socialize, but then recognize I have no friends, making me withdraw, and in about two years buying a log cabin in Lincoln Montana.
The irony of technology
I recently got a new Blu-ray DVD player (PS3), and a high definition television. Yes I finally joined the main stream, strangely I still do not have cable or digital rabbit ears. I am watching a movie, astounded by the picture quality, and the DVD skips, sticks, and freezes, and basically annoys me to tears. I pop out the DVD wipe it down, and go through the FBI warning find the chapter FF halfway through to find the part, and resume. Everything is going fine until 10 mins later does the same thing.
It perplexes me all the time and effort put into getting this great picture quality but yet when it all goes down I want to throw it all out the window.. You would have thought that maybe they could put a touch more effort in making a less finicky DVD. Obviously the DVD is not damaged but something the naked eye can not see can upset the functioning so much is sort of weird. Apparently the dust I could not see or a finger print is the swine flu of the DVD experience.
Probation
Saying it is getting old is an understatement, the classes are nearing the end, but seriously they make me want to hang myself. If it wasn’t for the fact I only have 8 weeks left I think I would just stop going. My PO and I are at each others throats because I am sick of this, and want to get off monitoring etc. She does not like the fact I ask her to do something, not just take my money.
This is what KILLS me....
I was in class the other night, and someone is telling a story. “Joe” is on probation etc, no license, and on drug charges. His brother (“Mike”) has a warrant out for his arrest for something... So, Mike gets pulled over, and obviously can’t say who he is because of the warrant, tells the officer he is “Joe” and says i am on probation and I don’t have a license, yet he is driving. He tells the officer he is driving home his drunk girlfriend (also in car) because she was too drunk to drive. The officer lets him goes, and calls his probation officer..... wait for it.... to COMMEND him for doing a good dead by not letting his girlfriend drive drunk, even though he was driving without a license (which was revoked). His PO gave him a pat on the back, while saying don’t let me hear again you were driving.
This is just one of MANY stories I hear weekly, yet I have never had a hot UA or BA, and I have to stay on monitoring. People in the class and hear what I have to pay for fines, monitoring the 64 weeks of classes and they pity me. They are on 3rd count drug possession charges, or dealing charges, not weed which is basically legal here, but crack, meth, and cocaine. When they hear that while they have to pay $500 in fines I have to pay $9500 they laugh. They submit hot UA’s and get a “don’t do that again” from their PO.
I know I screwed up, but at this point the fines, classes etc are completely discounted in my mind from the crime. I do not associate all these headaches with drinking and driving, which is messed up. If I were to drink and drive again, and get arrested I would post bond, and run plain and simple not even a second thought. This is not how people should think this probably why there are so many people go to jail, and end up back inside after few months or years. This is not even touching the saying “3 hots, and a cot” because jumping through the hurdles, paying all the fines, etc is a lot tougher than sitting in jail. In all seriousness if I was down and out, facing homelessness I would totally want into a bank with a note “saying give me all of the money or I will shoot you”. I wouldn’t even have a gun because I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, or even get away with the robbery.
Last bit of the rant
A coworker spent time in prison, 3 years, and jumped the hoops, and is off parole and doing great. He was telling me how guys would be getting released and they wouldn’t say “good bye forever” they would say to the guards and inmates “see you in a few months.” They would get out, have no job, no prospects, and would visit family friends, party for a few months until they got busted for something new, or violation of parole. Even in Boulder County Jail everyone knew each other, a new guy would come in and half the people knew him and the would catch up... “oh how is Jim doing? He’s over in Medium security got 6 months“ with a reply of ”really, shit man my brother is other there for year“.
I have actually been toying with joining some sort of advocacy group because the system is just plain screwed up. I am not saying I should not have been punished, or that I know a better way, but I just know this does not work. It will scare 10% of the population straight people who have something to lose, a husband with children. the college kid who has family to support him etc but to people who don’t have anything to lose crime is an easy way out.
I apologize that went longer than expected.... needless to say I get worked up when I think about it.
Pictures
I am posting new pictures for the slideshow above so keep an eye out, there are some of stuff from work, my Lincoln logs for community service. Oh and of me, I went back to the loving arms of a mohawk.
Denver
It has been a year since I moved to Denver (the 25th actually). Overall it has been good, aside from all the stuff i have been working through, which I would of had to work through regardless of where I was living. It has been trying, but one of these days I will figure it all out, and then get hit by a bus.
PS3
I bought a Playstation 3, in an attempt to help stay sober, which it has helped. The issue was that my computer monitor/TV was too small I had to move the couch all the way up the the desk in order to play any games... enter the new HDTV. As a little plug I got a 28” HDTV/Computer monitor for $270, if you are looking for a new monitor let me know i will tell you all about it. Since I don’t watch enough TV to constitute owning one, having one that does both has always been great my previous one was a 19“. Not to mention playing with CAD on a 28” monitor that is 12“ in from of you is GLORIOUS.
Work
Its still there, it is going well, but slowing down. Feeling a touch sketch about if I will have a job after the new year. They did fire one person who had worked there for 20+ years, but that was due to negligence. He is a frail 65 year old man, who does not have a bank account. He is afraid to lose it with Y2K... yes it has been explained that nothing happened, and that the threat was 9 years ago. He was an odd man, always high... I mean ALWAYS. When he walked into the shop in the morning you would get a contact high by talking to him. his job for the last 8 or so years was to sand. 8 hours a day, 5 days a week 52 weeks a year he would sand. I think I would be high all the time if that was my job, but over the last 3 months he just completely gave up, smoking pot in the shop thinking no one would notice, did I mention he was a strange little man? It was sad to see him go, but no one was surprised, it was a matter of time.
On a different note it has been over a year I have been working here, and I am finally feeling comfortable around my co workers, that is messed up. i spend more time with them then anyone else and it took a year to get comfortable. It has actually gotten to the point where I might call a couple acquaintances. I would toy with the notion of asking them to hang out, but not quite there yet.
and down the rabbit hole
As touched upon earlier over the last year been struggling with my relationship with alcohol, the fact I am clueless what I am doing with my life, and more recently the Asperger information. Which the PS3 has not helped since it has helped keep me inside not interacting with the world. This combined with many other factors has really brought me to isolate my self even further.
Thanksgiving brought this even more to the forefront when I had no plans, I spent the day watching movies, playing video games. A few people called but I had my phone on silent (which I always do now a days) but even if I heard it ring I would not have answered. I only listened to the voice mails after having to click past the little reminder every time I went to the phone for anything else. I had no intention of calling any of them back, and still have not.
The only time I have ANY desire to socialize is when I take the Ritalin for my ADHD. On the weekends I generally forget, because I do not have a routine like during the week. Which when I take it I want to socialize, but then recognize I have no friends, making me withdraw, and in about two years buying a log cabin in Lincoln Montana.
The irony of technology
I recently got a new Blu-ray DVD player (PS3), and a high definition television. Yes I finally joined the main stream, strangely I still do not have cable or digital rabbit ears. I am watching a movie, astounded by the picture quality, and the DVD skips, sticks, and freezes, and basically annoys me to tears. I pop out the DVD wipe it down, and go through the FBI warning find the chapter FF halfway through to find the part, and resume. Everything is going fine until 10 mins later does the same thing.
It perplexes me all the time and effort put into getting this great picture quality but yet when it all goes down I want to throw it all out the window.. You would have thought that maybe they could put a touch more effort in making a less finicky DVD. Obviously the DVD is not damaged but something the naked eye can not see can upset the functioning so much is sort of weird. Apparently the dust I could not see or a finger print is the swine flu of the DVD experience.
Probation
Saying it is getting old is an understatement, the classes are nearing the end, but seriously they make me want to hang myself. If it wasn’t for the fact I only have 8 weeks left I think I would just stop going. My PO and I are at each others throats because I am sick of this, and want to get off monitoring etc. She does not like the fact I ask her to do something, not just take my money.
This is what KILLS me....
I was in class the other night, and someone is telling a story. “Joe” is on probation etc, no license, and on drug charges. His brother (“Mike”) has a warrant out for his arrest for something... So, Mike gets pulled over, and obviously can’t say who he is because of the warrant, tells the officer he is “Joe” and says i am on probation and I don’t have a license, yet he is driving. He tells the officer he is driving home his drunk girlfriend (also in car) because she was too drunk to drive. The officer lets him goes, and calls his probation officer..... wait for it.... to COMMEND him for doing a good dead by not letting his girlfriend drive drunk, even though he was driving without a license (which was revoked). His PO gave him a pat on the back, while saying don’t let me hear again you were driving.
This is just one of MANY stories I hear weekly, yet I have never had a hot UA or BA, and I have to stay on monitoring. People in the class and hear what I have to pay for fines, monitoring the 64 weeks of classes and they pity me. They are on 3rd count drug possession charges, or dealing charges, not weed which is basically legal here, but crack, meth, and cocaine. When they hear that while they have to pay $500 in fines I have to pay $9500 they laugh. They submit hot UA’s and get a “don’t do that again” from their PO.
I know I screwed up, but at this point the fines, classes etc are completely discounted in my mind from the crime. I do not associate all these headaches with drinking and driving, which is messed up. If I were to drink and drive again, and get arrested I would post bond, and run plain and simple not even a second thought. This is not how people should think this probably why there are so many people go to jail, and end up back inside after few months or years. This is not even touching the saying “3 hots, and a cot” because jumping through the hurdles, paying all the fines, etc is a lot tougher than sitting in jail. In all seriousness if I was down and out, facing homelessness I would totally want into a bank with a note “saying give me all of the money or I will shoot you”. I wouldn’t even have a gun because I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, or even get away with the robbery.
Last bit of the rant
A coworker spent time in prison, 3 years, and jumped the hoops, and is off parole and doing great. He was telling me how guys would be getting released and they wouldn’t say “good bye forever” they would say to the guards and inmates “see you in a few months.” They would get out, have no job, no prospects, and would visit family friends, party for a few months until they got busted for something new, or violation of parole. Even in Boulder County Jail everyone knew each other, a new guy would come in and half the people knew him and the would catch up... “oh how is Jim doing? He’s over in Medium security got 6 months“ with a reply of ”really, shit man my brother is other there for year“.
I have actually been toying with joining some sort of advocacy group because the system is just plain screwed up. I am not saying I should not have been punished, or that I know a better way, but I just know this does not work. It will scare 10% of the population straight people who have something to lose, a husband with children. the college kid who has family to support him etc but to people who don’t have anything to lose crime is an easy way out.
I apologize that went longer than expected.... needless to say I get worked up when I think about it.
Pictures
I am posting new pictures for the slideshow above so keep an eye out, there are some of stuff from work, my Lincoln logs for community service. Oh and of me, I went back to the loving arms of a mohawk.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
another thought
25 October 2009
For those of you late to the program start a few postings back, to have some sense of continuity.
I was walking the dog, and going through one of my routes which I do not conscientiously decide, but sort of follow (routine) and something perplexed me. I want to leave Denver because it feels like home. The routine of work, and the apartment and my life here scares the shit out of me. Though the routine of watching every episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is incredibly soothing. The aggravation of having to blow everyday was soothing, it was part of my routine. Now that I have to call in the morning to find out if I have to blow bothers me.. The days I do have to blow I feel out of sorts a bit, not because going to blow interferes with my life in the least, except I have to take a different route home. I should be happy for the saved money, and not having to deal with it everyday but that routine was comforting.
My father worked the same job for 30+ years lived in the same home for 37? years this frightens me! Though spending the routine of leaving the house at 420 am and taking the same exact route to work is soothing for me. When I get into work I have a little routine I go through, change, punch in blow my nose wash my hands, calculate my hours from the previous day, and subtract to figure out how many more hours I need to work, and figure out what time I want to punch out for that day, and then put certain things in certain places and start the day... this in some sense comforts me. Yet I want to move away with some unexplainable urge because the overall routine is frightening.
I can not understand this... I can recognize it, but not begin to understand.
For those of you late to the program start a few postings back, to have some sense of continuity.
I was walking the dog, and going through one of my routes which I do not conscientiously decide, but sort of follow (routine) and something perplexed me. I want to leave Denver because it feels like home. The routine of work, and the apartment and my life here scares the shit out of me. Though the routine of watching every episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is incredibly soothing. The aggravation of having to blow everyday was soothing, it was part of my routine. Now that I have to call in the morning to find out if I have to blow bothers me.. The days I do have to blow I feel out of sorts a bit, not because going to blow interferes with my life in the least, except I have to take a different route home. I should be happy for the saved money, and not having to deal with it everyday but that routine was comforting.
My father worked the same job for 30+ years lived in the same home for 37? years this frightens me! Though spending the routine of leaving the house at 420 am and taking the same exact route to work is soothing for me. When I get into work I have a little routine I go through, change, punch in blow my nose wash my hands, calculate my hours from the previous day, and subtract to figure out how many more hours I need to work, and figure out what time I want to punch out for that day, and then put certain things in certain places and start the day... this in some sense comforts me. Yet I want to move away with some unexplainable urge because the overall routine is frightening.
I can not understand this... I can recognize it, but not begin to understand.
The great pond phase, and others
25 October 2009
Here is a link to the aforementioned article that Skippy’s mom has mentioned 11 months ago. I have read it a few times usually getting bored, for feeling like a retard with his references to things I do not know. I just re-read it yet again, this time suffering through his script to find many instances where he and I parallel.
To this date I can still remember the square root of 18,562 is 136.24243098 repeating. I do not now why I learned this I had a strange fascination with the number. Or how I loved chemistry and math, but biology bored me to tears. I recently read that people with Aspergers are drawn to technology, and every day I am amazed by our computers, and phones.
I found it very interesting his love for classical music because I myself listened to it for a number of yours as another phase of mine but Dvorack’s 9th “From the new world” still nearly brings me to tears. I do not know how or why but I connect to that piece of music more than I do with members of my family. I can still remember going to see the Boston Philharmonic for the first time to see it played. I remember many details, Benjamin Zander was the Conductor I would almost put money given a seating chart I could find my seat, but of my date I remember she was blonde (we dated for about 4 months, I think she had a kid too).
I also got enthralled in literature for a spell mostly the writings of the beatniks, Bourroughs being my favorite, also his sons books “Speed and Kentucky Ham”. I would stay up all night reading and writing while drinking “Slush Puppies” from the gas station on the NW corner of Old Post Road and route 1. I would buy two at a time keeping one in the fridge. Remembering these things is easy for me I could describe my room even now with pinpoint precision, but I could not tell you what my sisters were doing or details of their lives of the time. Even today I would have a tough time telling you their age, though I am pretty sure I know their birth dates, my mom’s I do not know except it is near Christmas.
I have lived in Colorado for nearly 3 years and still do not have a single friend. They come and go, but even at 31 my phone has but 20 phone numbers in it, mostly places to order take out from, or family. I lived in MA for 28 years, and would say have but maybe 3 friends. I think this is why alcohol has always been an issue for it was the only time I felt some what like a belonged, but it was a narrow window I quickly passed into a state of being too drunk. My only true friends I can count on a single hand and still have room, and one of them is a dog.
To this day 9/11 still has no real effect on me. I remember the day, but it just sort of seemed like an “oh that sucks” scenario. I would have cracked jokes except I could understand that it was too early. I remember the day of the Challenger explosion which was on my birthday, and the first thing I uttered was “maybe they put a missile on it instead of a rocket”. Which makes no sense but I think it shows my inability to show compassion. For years when I would be forced to go to a wake when going up to say your respects I would simply think “better you than me” . Much like Tim Paige I feel like my memoirs would be entitled “Sorry Everyone” .
Since reading more about the infliction I still do not know what to do with the information, in terms of how to change. I just want to buy a T-shirt with a disclaimer explaining I have no sense of social cues or norms. I to this day freak out in grocery stores, because I do not know when I should say “excuse me” and when I have been rude etc. This is why I buy everything online (amongst other reasons). I am a creature of routine, if I am not out the door at 3:55 am to walk Jazmine on a work day I get tense and feel as though I should just call in sick because the day is ruined. I can work any hours I want no one cares if I am there at 430 or 1030, but I feel rushed and well unable to cope to some degree if I miss my little routine times I have in my head.
The more I read about the condition the more hopeless I actually end up feeling though it does help explain things to me, it makes me feel even more out of sync with the world around me. Mostly because it is in fact incurable, and the only real treatment is therapy to help you recognize your issues and to work on them. I wish there was a pill that would simply make me “normal” because i feel all too comfortable sitting inside watching the same shows over and over, or designing great pieces of furniture in my head that I will never build.
Here is a link to the aforementioned article that Skippy’s mom has mentioned 11 months ago. I have read it a few times usually getting bored, for feeling like a retard with his references to things I do not know. I just re-read it yet again, this time suffering through his script to find many instances where he and I parallel.
To this date I can still remember the square root of 18,562 is 136.24243098 repeating. I do not now why I learned this I had a strange fascination with the number. Or how I loved chemistry and math, but biology bored me to tears. I recently read that people with Aspergers are drawn to technology, and every day I am amazed by our computers, and phones.
I found it very interesting his love for classical music because I myself listened to it for a number of yours as another phase of mine but Dvorack’s 9th “From the new world” still nearly brings me to tears. I do not know how or why but I connect to that piece of music more than I do with members of my family. I can still remember going to see the Boston Philharmonic for the first time to see it played. I remember many details, Benjamin Zander was the Conductor I would almost put money given a seating chart I could find my seat, but of my date I remember she was blonde (we dated for about 4 months, I think she had a kid too).
I also got enthralled in literature for a spell mostly the writings of the beatniks, Bourroughs being my favorite, also his sons books “Speed and Kentucky Ham”. I would stay up all night reading and writing while drinking “Slush Puppies” from the gas station on the NW corner of Old Post Road and route 1. I would buy two at a time keeping one in the fridge. Remembering these things is easy for me I could describe my room even now with pinpoint precision, but I could not tell you what my sisters were doing or details of their lives of the time. Even today I would have a tough time telling you their age, though I am pretty sure I know their birth dates, my mom’s I do not know except it is near Christmas.
I have lived in Colorado for nearly 3 years and still do not have a single friend. They come and go, but even at 31 my phone has but 20 phone numbers in it, mostly places to order take out from, or family. I lived in MA for 28 years, and would say have but maybe 3 friends. I think this is why alcohol has always been an issue for it was the only time I felt some what like a belonged, but it was a narrow window I quickly passed into a state of being too drunk. My only true friends I can count on a single hand and still have room, and one of them is a dog.
To this day 9/11 still has no real effect on me. I remember the day, but it just sort of seemed like an “oh that sucks” scenario. I would have cracked jokes except I could understand that it was too early. I remember the day of the Challenger explosion which was on my birthday, and the first thing I uttered was “maybe they put a missile on it instead of a rocket”. Which makes no sense but I think it shows my inability to show compassion. For years when I would be forced to go to a wake when going up to say your respects I would simply think “better you than me” . Much like Tim Paige I feel like my memoirs would be entitled “Sorry Everyone” .
Since reading more about the infliction I still do not know what to do with the information, in terms of how to change. I just want to buy a T-shirt with a disclaimer explaining I have no sense of social cues or norms. I to this day freak out in grocery stores, because I do not know when I should say “excuse me” and when I have been rude etc. This is why I buy everything online (amongst other reasons). I am a creature of routine, if I am not out the door at 3:55 am to walk Jazmine on a work day I get tense and feel as though I should just call in sick because the day is ruined. I can work any hours I want no one cares if I am there at 430 or 1030, but I feel rushed and well unable to cope to some degree if I miss my little routine times I have in my head.
The more I read about the condition the more hopeless I actually end up feeling though it does help explain things to me, it makes me feel even more out of sync with the world around me. Mostly because it is in fact incurable, and the only real treatment is therapy to help you recognize your issues and to work on them. I wish there was a pill that would simply make me “normal” because i feel all too comfortable sitting inside watching the same shows over and over, or designing great pieces of furniture in my head that I will never build.
One year since my release
25 October 2009
Aspergers
It has been mentioned before, and I have dismissed the notion for a number of reasons (much like my ADHD) but I am coming to the conclusion I just might have Aspergers Syndrome. A few people had mentioned this possibility earlier, and I read information, and sort of discounted the notion. Over the past few weeks I have come across quite a few articles (randomly in the paper not looking it up) and have come to the conclusion it does explain a number of things.
I remember my sister Anne always commenting on my “phases” where I would get sucked into one subject matter and immerse myself in it, and move on to another subject and delve in with the same manner. I think anyone who knows me can think of a few of such instances without much difficulty.
I have always joked that I am socially retarded, but I really am. This is why at age 31 I have a handful of friends, and not one to whom I truly feel connected. Also explains why I have such difficulty cultivating new friends, which there are a number of things which run through my head when I meet people but I have difficulty really clicking.
The past few months in DUI therapy we have been talking about family and relationships. During class we would talk abut whatever and our assignment would be to do whatever stupid thing, but every week would would have to explain a relationship, and whats good about t etc, and all mine were with my dog, ha ha. So a few weeks ago the instructor finally starts calling me out saying I must have other relationships etc, which I do but none I either wish to discuss or that would come to mind, so she asks everyone in the class if they think this is true etc. All of whom, who I have had class with for the past 6 months said “I don’t know him well enough to comment”. I thought this funny since a basic guess would be that we have sent 50 hours together over the last months, and all anyone knew of me was I love to ride my bike, I am an alcoholic and I have a dog, but not her name.
Through the years I have had trouble sticking to a job, or a line of work for that matter which is a symptom of Aspergers. This has actually been getting better, but only since I started Ritalin which I think has just made my time at work move faster in a manner which has made it more enjoyable. Which again is a sign of the syndrome.
Moving
I am seriously considering moving again, I have a PO meeting later in the week, which I can get the info on when I can plan on having the ability to move out of the state. I am not sure if this could be filed under the Aspergers conversation but I just feel that Denver has lost its... excitement, its just “home”. I just feel sort of bored, and with nothing keeping me here (family, friends, work) I figure I should explore the country bit more. As of now I am looking at the following cities in this order
- NYC
- Seattle
- Philly
- Portland, OR
- Chicago
The other mentionable benefit would be that I do have a friend in NYC, and I would be close enough to my
family where I could visit if I were so inclined. I still do have a few friends I keep in touch with in MA whom I
could see which would be nice.
Community Service
I have begun working off some of my community service hours, for the “Toys for Tots” program. I am making
sets of “Lincoln Logs” to donate. Though the last few weeks have been tough to get time in on them due to illness, and trying to make up some of the missed time I am hoping to get my hours in and done within the next month.
could see which would be nice.
Community Service
I have begun working off some of my community service hours, for the “Toys for Tots” program. I am making
sets of “Lincoln Logs” to donate. Though the last few weeks have been tough to get time in on them due to illness, and trying to make up some of the missed time I am hoping to get my hours in and done within the next month.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I am still alive
17 October 2009
The Flu
Yes I am still alive, which is a matter of myself not writing in quite a while, and after getting over a week long bought of the flu. The last 4 days I have been sleeping 18+ hours, between naps and actual nightly sleep. The last couple of days I have finally been feeling like a human being once again.
Community Service
I started working on my community service for Toys for Tots, I am making lincoln logs the classic all American toy. I have been working my extra hours at work on them, well not this past week since I missed 4 days.
Probation
I have a meeting with my officer this Friday, which will be just about a year since getting out of jail, which logic and paperwork says I can be off monitoring, but my PO works on neither, but on money so I will still be in he same position as I am now.
Broads
There are none... yeah.
Jazmine
She is doing wonderful, she has been a champ this past week. I had no energy so a block walk to Walgreens twice a day for juice, and NyQuil was a struggle. She is the best pup ever.
The Flu
Yes I am still alive, which is a matter of myself not writing in quite a while, and after getting over a week long bought of the flu. The last 4 days I have been sleeping 18+ hours, between naps and actual nightly sleep. The last couple of days I have finally been feeling like a human being once again.
Community Service
I started working on my community service for Toys for Tots, I am making lincoln logs the classic all American toy. I have been working my extra hours at work on them, well not this past week since I missed 4 days.
Probation
I have a meeting with my officer this Friday, which will be just about a year since getting out of jail, which logic and paperwork says I can be off monitoring, but my PO works on neither, but on money so I will still be in he same position as I am now.
Broads
There are none... yeah.
Jazmine
She is doing wonderful, she has been a champ this past week. I had no energy so a block walk to Walgreens twice a day for juice, and NyQuil was a struggle. She is the best pup ever.
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